love hurts

November 13, 2014 By in herding (my own) cats Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

‘love hurts’ (by the band nazareth) was one of my very good friends, one of my brothers–einar monstad of bergen, norway–favorite tunes back in the day, back when we went to college together (in the early 90’s)…einar loved and stills loves music…back then, he even achieved legendary status on campus for singing and bangin’ a drum at the crack of dawn throughout the dorms to celebrate norwegian independence day…he was/is a great and unstoppable force of nature…

anyways, i was reminded of the song this past summer when my kids (jack and grace) were playing together in the backyard…they were running around chasing each other as my wife and i sat nearby talking quietly (it was a warm summer day–far from the arctic smackdown we’re getting this week–winter in minnesota hurts, too)…

as they were playing, i looked up to see jack push grace to the ground…grace wasn’t happy about it and started to cry…

i said, “jack, that’s not o.k., help your sister up, please”…

he paused for a moment and then tried to help her up…but, what he did next wasn’t the most helpful thing in the world…

he really tried to help her, truly….he really tried to help her up off the ground…but, not by the hand…and not by the arm…

but, by the throat–he grabbed her right around the neck, with both hands (like you would do if you wanted to choke the life out of someone) and tried to pull her up that way…

what the what?!

so, my wife and i bolted out of chairs shouting “no, no, no…” and separated him from his sister (while we tried, at the same time, to keep ourselves from laughing…because it was pretty hilarious)…

though not evident by his actions–we could tell that it wasn’t intentional and that ‘what he really wanted to do’…was to help her up…

chances are, you’ve been there…maybe with your own kids, maybe with your family at home or on vacation, or maybe with your colleagues at work …sometimes, you try to help someone and it doesn’t turn out that way, it doesn’t end well…sometimes, someone tries to help you and the situation goes from bad to worse…

it’s in these moments, when you realize that…

sometimes…

love hurts.

(go out–again) where the wild things are…

November 1, 2014 By in herding (my own) cats Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , 2 Comments
Level 3 - Camp Eggs!

Level 3 – Camp Eggs at Lebanon Hills Campground

 

we did it!

this past summer…

we went out, where the wild things are (again)…we went out, to an actual campsite (for the first time)…

this experience is what we now refer to as our level 3 camping adventure…or, how we survived camping with the kids…🙂

[levels 1 & 2 were: camping in the backyard (1) and on the lot near an uncle’s cabin (2)…]

think doing everything you do with/for your kids every day, but without the comforts of home (sounds fun, right?)…then, you’ll be close to what we experienced…sure, we only stayed one night…and the campsite we went to was just 20 minutes from our house and just 5 minutes from where our relatives live and tucked neatly into an outer-rim suburb of the twin cities…but, it was roughin’ it, man…

[note: we stayed at a campsite in eagan, mn…at the lebanon hills campground; one of the best outdoor spaces in the twin cities area–no doubt!]

and, it didn’t matter that our kids nearly got trampled by wild things (their older cousins) or lost in the woods (yes, there’s woods in this suburb) or crisp-ed by the campfire…

they loved it!

99.9% of the time they carried the day…meaning that, since they had never done any of this kind of thing before…everything we did was the most exciting thing in the world…which made the experience an “all-around good time” for the family…honestly, it was a lot of work (for the parents) though–even if you’ve got some experience with camping (which we do)…i mean, i felt like taz-daddy…spinning around the campsite like a whirling dervish…my wife was spinning her own circles, too…ocassionally, we would bounce off each other and onto the next task…but, there’s not too much 2 year-olds can do to set up and help out at a campsite…

regardless, their wide-eyed perspectives made it something special…

even when there was a chance for it all to come crashing down, like at breakfast in the morning…the kids recovered in style…

here’s what happened…

my wife and i were getting the kids up, changed, dressed, hydrated, etc (while preparing breakfast)…and, we had thought it all out–the meal plan was ready for the morning…we had picked/packed some of their favorite foods for the trip…eggs, fruit, yogurt, milk, cheerios, and pouches–of course…good to go…

until we served them their eggs…which were a little ‘well done’ due to the camp stove having only one cook setting…hell-hot …right after setting their plates in front of them, the kids were like, ‘i don’t want these eggs’ and ‘these ones have something on them’ – mind you, these kids love eggs–which is why we packed them…and now this?!  i had a few choice responses to their whining that flashed through my head, but i didn’t say them ‘out loud’…instead, my wife and i looked at each other in exasperation thinking, ‘what now?!’ and ‘this is all we’ve got’…

so, after a brief pause, i went over to jack’s plate, plucked a piece of scrambled egg off his plate and swallowed it down…he looked up at me in amazement and disbelief, like he was checking to see if i would survive…i looked backed and said, ‘yummy, camp eggs!’…immediately, he got to work on his eggs and after a few bites he shouted, ‘camp eggs, yay!’ (and grace did the same)…

the night before ‘the camp eggs breakfast’ (which we still laugh about to this day), my wife and i got a few minutes by the campfire before turning in…we had put the kids down in the tent–grace had fallen asleep instantly (like she always does–a nuclear bomb couldn’t wake her), while jack was still awake (he usually takes a little time settling down, even at home, and this was a new experience)…while we sat by the fire, talking quietly and sipping on adult beverages, jack would pipe up (every so often), ‘daddy, are you there?’ and i would answer, ‘i’m here, jack’ (until he eventually fell asleep)…

and i’m glad i was…

teaching is doing

October 11, 2014 By in teaching and coaching Tags: , , , , , 1 Comment

“those who can, do; those who can’t, teach” –

the above quote, one that has been attributed to both george  bernard shaw and h.l. mencken, is one of my least favorite sayings in the world…and, not just because i am a teacher, but because i have benefitted from the lessons i’ve learned from the teachers in my life…so, this post goes out to all the critics…

those who can’t do…

get up at the ‘crack of dawn’ every day for 9 months to get ready for each new day

those who can’t do…

go to bed by 9pm (if not earlier) every night for 9 months because they get up at the ‘crack of dawn’ to get ready for each new day

those who can’t do…

work more than a monday through friday, 9-5 work week

those who can’t do…

teach your kids math, science, history, reading, writing, and scores of other subjects each day

those who can’t do…

coach, engage, motivate, push/pull, redirect, entertain, lead, counsel, discipline, praise, encourage and love your kids…while they teach them math, science, reading, writing, and scores of other subjects each day

those who can’t do…

bring their work home with them (at night and on weekends)–grading, planning, and creating lessons; sending emails and making phone calls to interested or concerned parents, administrators, colleagues and other involved adults

those who can’t do…

bring their ‘mental work’ home with them every night…the successes and (most often) the failures of their days efforts–the kind of things that take up a lot of head space–like…how come i can’t get through to alexis? i wish bobby would listen when i talk to him.?! how come john never shows up to class? i hope jen makes it through life! how can i reach them?!

those who can’t do…

teach all other ‘doers’…’how to do things’…

pediatricians, auto mechanics, lawyers, cosmetologists, pilots, nurses, carpenters, bar tenders, police officers, computer programmers, graphic artists, corporate executives, sportscasters, architects, secretaries, crime scene investigators, activists, dentists, musicians, cooks, janitors, counselors, photographers, plumbers, surgeons, journalists, day care providers, truck drivers, artists, senators, bus drivers, firefighters, religious leaders, waiters, soldiers, accountants, filmmakers, mail men/women, engineers, social workers, athletes, teachers and more

those who can’t do…

don’t teach…

because teaching is doing…

[and doing, and doing…]

sponge blob

October 10, 2014 By in teaching and coaching, tradecraft Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

“when you can take the pebble from my hand, it will be time for you to leave” – master kan, kung fu

one of the worst things for a new teacher to do is to surround themselves with only other new teachers…and in doing so, thinking that it’s gonna make them the best teacher in the world…it’s kind of like teenagers who expect to become mature, amazing grown-up people by surrounding themselves with only other teenagers…

the last time i checked, it takes about 3-6 years to go from an apprentice to a journeyman in the trades…

teaching is a trade, people…one of the toughest trades in the world…so, it’s gonna take some time to get it down, it’s gonna take some time to become skilled at it…

sure, there are old-timers who are “phoning it in” until retirement…to those types, to those guys and gals…i’ll say, time to clock out, buddy–get to steppin’, chica! but, what job doesn’t have people like that?!  all in all, those ‘hanger-on’s’ make up a small percentage of the larger teacher blob…

anyways, what new teachers need to do is to…spend time–lots of time–around seasoned instructors…ones who are tried and true...ones who are still creating, dreaming, and working hard…ones who are still committed and passionate about what they’re doing…

the last time i checked, it takes about 10 years to go from a padowan to a jedi knight…

i mean, any rookie can be fired up about this kind of work–for a minute…yeah, they’re good out of the gate…but, the best of the best do it year in and year out…so, my advice would be to…get next to those people, ask a lot of questions, learn from them–soak up as much as you can–be the sponge…embrace the teacher blob, for you and for your students!!! 🙂

[one of the current issues and challenges in teaching in america today is that…the average time that a new teacher spends in the profession of teaching, before leaving, is five years (walsh, 2014)…in my opinion, it takes about just that long, 4-5 years, to figure how to do the job well and get to a place where you’re on top of your work as an educator…so, if people are leaving at that moment in time…they are leaving just when some of the rewards can be reaped (i.e. when the hard work starts to pay off)–for them and for their students–and they are leaving just when they’ve become a skilled and valued member of the trade…if this trend continues, it does not bode well for the future of education in the u.s.]

“experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it” – steven wright

domestic violence awareness month

October 1, 2014 By in observations Tags: , , , , , , 1 Comment

i would like to dedicate the poem below to the victims of domestic violence…

[i don’t often write poetry, but when i do…it comes out in a style that best resembles ‘spoken word’ or ‘slam poetry’…not sure how it happens…i mean, in my dreams i’ve fancied writing like whitman, lawrence, or kerouac–what student of poetry wouldn’t want to write like those guys? but, in truth, i could never write like that, not even close…it’s all kind of amusing because i rarely listen to spoken word/slam poetry or even hip hop music, for that matter–it’s nothing personal, i’ve got nothing against hip hop or rap…i was just raised on the radio (in the 80s)–and my music tastes are still trapped there–in the long, spray-matted tangles of the hair bands…anyways, i originally wrote this poem for an exhibition called ‘blind date’ that my friend craig joseph created and organized in ohio…i think it’s worth another look on this occasion]

The Heart of Abigail Lowe

I

Abigail Lowe clutched
the totem
in her hand
she held it
tight
white knuckles
bright
she raised it
to her brow
and began to pray

Lady Trinity,
come with your power
deliver me

II

She looked at the
picture
of her wedding day
spinning on
the dance floor,
full of life
back when she was young
and beautiful-a prize
back then she had
a great vision and wonder
as she looked up
to the moon and stars and skies
about her life
and all the good times
that would surely arrive
at her
doorstep
but years came,
and years went by
her time spent
brutally chastised-
didn’t take
too long to
realize
that all those pretty
day dreams
well, they just
up and
died

now
when she looks
in the mirror
the faced framed
before her
is not alight or alive,
instead it
holds the portrait
of one darkened and
deprived
with her only two
mementos
of this life-
a pair of
black eyes

III

He had boarded up
her heart
and drove nails through
her soul
stripped her bare
so far from whole
left her hollow
like a
black hole

now
a space exists
where a
dark star sits
where no glow
emits

where her human light
used to jump and glimmer
like fireflies
on a warm
summer night
but tonight,
looking at her
insides
is like
looking
at a jar
filled
with lies

IV

The police came
a few times
and took him to jail
but he was back
the next day

then later
she ran to shelter
far away

but it didn’t last

people whispered
behind her back
couldn’t understand
why she always
went back
but like most things
it was so simple
to say those words
from a safe distance
hard to see
that she was trapped
like a magnet
to the dark
force
that always
pulled
her back

V

A friend came by
the other day
said she knew what
could fill the blank
inside

she had a Bible in her hand
and told her ‘bout
a man
that would save her
right where
she stands

but she politely declined,
and said,
‘It’s nothing personal-
but, I ain’t running
to no man
of any kind-
to rescue me
from this
dead-end life’

VI

So, she went
upstairs
above the kitchen
to the bedroom

packed her
suitcase
with all her favorite things
clothes and
an old coat
pictures, shoes and
faded notes

sat on top
and clicked it
shut
lay down
naked
then looked
up

and she prayed

Lady Trinity,
today, I’m
leaving
the bad place-
can’t wait
to look
upon
your smiling face
know you’ll
pull me close
let me feel
warm and safe-
and hold me there
forever
in your
eternal embrace

Lady Trinity,
I am coming, I am coming.

teacher blob

September 26, 2014 By in observations, teaching and coaching Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , 3 Comments

i love the movie freedom writers…it is one of the most inspiring movies about teaching that i’ve ever seen…

there’s one part (see below) that gets me every single time–can’t help it…

 

at the same time, one of the things that “smells funny” about the story freedom writers is that…

you get the idea that there’s no student erin gruwell can’t connect to, can’t reach, or can’t teach…

maybe that was true–in her case (if so, it makes the whole thing all the more remarkable)…but, in my experience…working with kids for 16+ years…i’ve never known it to be so–for myself…or for any other teacher/youth worker i’ve had the privilege to know and work with…

[importantly, this isn’t me taking shots at that movie, that story, erin gruwell or anyone connected to that amazing tale…their story is one that we should celebrate after all]

but, what has been true for me and others is…the reality that no one can make it on their own–in this line of work–no one can do it all for all kids…that’s the plain truth…

simply put–and as much as i hate to admit it–i cannot reach all kids, though i try…i cannot teach all kids, though i try…i cannot impact all kids, though i try…

[day in and day out]…

but, there’s a good chance one of my colleagues can…

and that’s good news…

we’re not alone, we’re not on our own…

there have always been (and always will be) students that my colleagues relate to and teach better than i do…and, i’m glad that they can do that…i’m glad that they’re there…for many reasons…but, especially for the fact that they can reach those kids…

truth be told, i didn’t always feel that way…in my early days, i thought i should be able to reach all kids, no matter what…i was overly optimistic to say the least…but then, i was young and naive, too…now, i’m older (much older) and wiser…and i know what lies at the heart of the matter…

ultimately, i know now that…despite the fact that i can’t reach all students…the story doesn’t end there…some things are yet to be written…on their hearts and minds…and those students (most of ’em)–can run, but they can’t hide (heh, heh)…

from the great, unstoppable, inescapable…

teacher blob…

somehow, somewhere, sometime…

we’ll get you 🙂

 

note: the term “teacher blob” was coined by my wife, who also happens to be a teacher

back in black…

September 25, 2014 By in teaching and coaching Tags: , Leave a comment

i never quite feel like i’m really back until we hit the month mark…

that time has come…so, to all you teachers out there – i salute you…

it’s a marathon…not a sprint…so, keep on keepin’ on!!!

tradecraft…boundaries (part V)

August 31, 2014 By in tradecraft Tags: , , , , , , , , 4 Comments

fun with boundaries (in structured settings) exhibit B

nobody likes to have their authority tested and challenged…but, it can and will happen in this line of work…and sometimes, we can get bogged down in the muck of the job of setting boundaries for kids…let’s be honest–it can be challenging, upsetting, and downright exhausting…in fact, if you’re a loyal follower of this blog (thank you!:), i’m sure you can recall several stories that highlight those trials…however, like we saw in the last post…sometimes, when the the stars align just right and you sense a chance to do something beyond the routine…setting boundaries can be fun, too…

here’s another example of what i’m talking about from my classroom case files:

one day, a student (who we’ll call ‘bobby’) raised his hand and asked me a question…

bobby: can i step outside–to the hall–and call my work, it’s really important?

[i look at him for a moment, then nod my head…thinking, there’s only a couple of weeks left of school, what’s the harm?]

me: yep, make it quick

[so, bobby gets up and goes out into the hall…i continue on with the lesson for the day…]

…

10 minutes later, i walk out into the hall to call bobby back to class…i look one direction, then the other…i don’t see him anywhere…i think to myself, did he ‘dip out’ (skip out on class and leave school premises) or is he somewhere else in the building?!

so, i go back into my classroom and scan the crowd–looking for the most trustworthy male student in class…unfortunately, i don’t see him, so i settle on the next best thing…the most trustworthy male student runner-up…

me: can you go down to the bathroom and see if bobby’s there?

[he gives me ‘a nod’ and heads out of the room…]

after a few minutes, ‘runner-up’ comes back to the room and shakes his head–the message is clear–no, he’s not there…

i frown, thinking to myself…damn, i just ‘got played’ (like a fiddle)…press play on the charlie daniel’s band devil went down to georgia…

another student remarks that there was some kind of ‘end of year celebration’ going on at a class back at his home school and that he might’ve been on the way to that…

[we teach kids from surrounding district schools, they self-select (mostly) our courses as electives, get bussed to our location (a few kids drive themselves), then go back to their home schools for the rest of the day…i say “mostly self select” because, in some cases, counselors and administrators from the students’ home school have “highly encouraged” them to come take classes with us…often enough, they’ve “highly encouraged” the kids who are “a handful” at their schools and they want the troublemakers out-of-the-way for a couple of hours (sad but true)…in a few specific cases, i’ve imagined these same administrators and counselors sitting at their desks, laughing–muhahaha, muhahaha…as they look at the names of some of the “select few” they’ve dealt me]…

so, i tuck that piece of information away and finish off the last 15 minutes of class…

at this point, i’m paying really close attention to the time on the clock–and trying to reconstruct the ‘timing of things’..what time did i go out and check on him? what time did he leave my room? how much class time did he miss?

i calculate that he missed 25 minutes of class…in other words, he owes me 25 minutes for dippin’ out…

but there’s something else…he lied to my face—when i was trying to help him out, no less?!

i mean, i’m pretty much like any other teacher around–i can’t stand it when kids lie to me…so, i’m thinking that he owes me “something more” than the 25 minutes because “lying” is an aggravating factor (making the boundary violation/offense more serious)…what “more” looks like at this point…i’m not sure…

i need to think…

as i reflect on the event, i remember that tomorrow is the day when we host our own “end of year bbq”–for the kids at our school–to show them how much we appreciate them…so, right away, i know he’s going to miss out on 25 minutes of that end of year fun–that thought makes me happy 🙂

we’re getting there…the ledger is just about balanced…

but, i’m still feeling like i want to tack on a little “something special”…

as i go through my day, his case continues taking up space in the back of my mind…should i do this? should i do that?  then, i remember something about bobby…the memory leads me to my answer…for the entire semester, bobby has been talking up his post-secondary career…almost every day, for more than four months, he’s made mention of it to his classmates and i…for four months and counting, bobby hasn’t stopped talking about the navy and his plans to enlist…

it’s right at that moment, at the inception of that thought…that i know exactly what the “something special” is going to be…

and it makes me smile 🙂

…

[the next day]

the students file in and take their seats…

one student remarks that he heard bobby saying, mr. d.’s gonna be pissed at me for taking off like that…

i smile slightly and wait…

i see bobby come in and head towards his seat…wasting no time, i call him up to my desk…

[he walks up sheepishly]

me: so, yesterday…wanted some free time, eh?

bobby: yeah, i’m sorry…

me: so,  you owe me some time in the clas program–25 minutes–the time you skipped out on…then, you can join us in the courtyard for the barbecue…

bobby: ok

immediately, he turns and steps toward the door…

me: hold on…there’s one more thing…

[he stops and faces me again]

me: i was helping you out, letting you call your work in the hall…but you lied to me and took off…not o.k….i want you to copy down this page and return it to me at the end of your 25 minutes in the clas program…got it?!

he takes the sheet without looking at it and says…

ok, will do [and leaves the room]

…

[25 minutes later]

bobby comes up to me with the sheet in hand, complete…i smile and process the incident with him briefly–i.e. what are you gonna do next time talk? after 2 minutes, i tell him…

we’re good…now, why don’t you grab a hotdog and a bag of chips…

as he walks away, i look down at the assignment i gave him and smile to myself…

it reads:

Navy Code of Ethics
10 November 2005

DEPARTMENT OF THE NAVY CODE OF ETHICS

Key References: Title 5–Administrative Personnel Chapter XVI–Office Of Government Ethics Part 2635–Standards Of Ethical Conduct For Employees Of The Executive Branch–Table of Contents Subpart A–General Provisions Sec. 2635.101; Employees’ Responsibilities under Executive Order 12674 (as amended).

DO
Place loyalty to the Constitution, the laws, and ethical principles above private gain.

Act impartially to all groups, persons, and organizations.

Give an honest effort in the performance of your duties.

Protect and conserve Federal property.

Disclose fraud, waste, and abuse, and corruption to appropriate authorities.

Fulfill in good faith your obligations as citizens, and pay your Federal, State, and local taxes.

Comply with all laws providing equal opportunity to all persons, regardless of their race, color, religion, sex, national origin, age, or handicap.

DO NOT
Use nonpublic information to benefit yourself or anyone else.

Solicit or accept gifts from persons or parties that do business with or seek official action from DOD (unless permitted by an exception).

Make unauthorized commitments or promises that bind the government.

Use Federal property for unauthorized purposes.

Take jobs or hold financial interests that conflict with your government responsibilities.

Take actions that give the appearance that they are illegal or unethical.

[for the last week-and-a-half, he was like, ‘yes, sir…no, sir’]

footnote: the topic of boundaries is one we’ll come back to again…at a later time…because there’s more–much more to say…

 

 

tradecraft…boundaries (part IV)

August 14, 2014 By in tradecraft Tags: , , , Leave a comment

fun with boundaries (in structured settings) exhibit A

o.k., so we’ve covered a lot of ground…and more recently, we’ve covered a lot of the serious stuff surrounding boundaries (in structured settings)–but at the end of the day, one of the best things you can do is give yourself some grace with this kind of thing…holding kids accountable; setting and enforcing boundaries is not easy…but, you can get better at it–with time and practice (lots and lots of practice)…

while you know how important boundaries can be for an individual, group and/or community…it’s also really important to note that boundaries and boundary setting can be a lot of fun, too!!!

to illustrate that point, here’s a story from my classroom case files:

one day i was giving a presentation to my class (fyi-it was the last hour of the day, with two weeks left before summer vacation) when another group of students from our school (cosmetology class) came out into the courtyard near my room (my classroom has a row of windows that runs down one wall…it’s the wall that faces the courtyard)…

things were going along fine, when suddenly, a student started ‘making a racket’ right outside one of my windows (we, of course, had the classroom windows open–it was almost summer-time, after all!)…the student got ‘loud and obnoxious’…

so, i glanced outside (and so did my students)…to see what all the fuss was about…i stood there for a minute, watching and listening, as this one girl carried on about some boy…i had seen this kind of frenetic behavior before, it’s what i call: the typical cosmetology drama…think: 90210 on speed…

i watched, thinking–God bless the teachers in that program…mercy!

anyways…i looked around the courtyard and didn’t see her teachers anywhere…must be on the way….but, she was still carrying on…she continued to distract and disrupt my students…so, i went over to an open window (near the front of the class) and called her over…as she walked to the window, i glanced back at my students…and at that moment, i saw them… simultaneously and as a whole…lean forward in their chairs…like they had practiced that synchronized move all year-long…

so, i turned back to the window and talked to the girl (library-quiet style) who was making mischief…she on one side of the open window (screen-less), me on the other…

me: hey, nice day, isn’t it?!  hey, i can understand why you’d be so pumped up to be outside, but would you mind toning it down a little…we’ve got class going on in here?

student: sure, no problem

me: thanks

after our exchange, i turned away from the window and faced my class…and immediately, my students made their next collective move…

in unison, they were up and out of their chairs, pointing and shouting:

mr. d!!!, mr. d!!! she just gave you ‘the finger’!!!

i looked at my class as if to say, “really?!”…they continued shouting and pointing towards the windows…

so, i glanced outside and saw the girl i had just visited with…she was talking and laughing with her friend on the other side of the courtyard (the other 20 girls in the group continued working on their assignments–they seemed to be unaware of what was going on)…

i still didn’t see the cosmetology instructors…

i turned back to my students…and calmed them all down…then, i zeroed in on one particular student (the most honest one in the class) and asked her quietly:

did she really do that?! (just to confirm what had ‘gone down’)

she nodded back to me and said:

yes

momentarily, i drifted off to dreamland and imagined myself running back and forth along the bank of windows with my arms outstretched, my fists clenched–save for my middle fingers (which i’d locked in the upright position)–pumping my hands up and down like pistols…all the while, shouting p-pow, pow–p-pow, pow–p-pow, pow…what’s up now?!  (press play on bon jovi’s, ‘blaze of glory’)…

but, eventually, i “came to”, snapped out of it, and shook off the daydream…

now, normally…99.9% of the time, i would’ve just talked about the behavior with one of her instructors (after school) and left it to them to ‘consequence her’…and they would’ve (most certainly) clamped down on her the next day (we’ve ‘got each other’s backs’ when it comes to student discipline, no doubt–which is awesome!)…and i would’ve been done with it…

but, this time, i decided to handle it myself (for the fun of it)…

so, i went over to my desk and spent a little time at work…my class was stone silent, of course…waiting, wondering…what’s going to happen next?!

after a moment, i got up, walked to the window, and called the girl over (once again)…behind me, i heard movement…and i knew my class was, once again, ‘leaning in’…

she came over and we started talking…

me (library-quiet once more): so, you know…you owe me something

student: what do you mean?!

me: you know, for your hand gesture…for the ‘disrespect’

student: really, ‘the finger’?!  that was nothing! (admission)

me: hmmmm…

[i handed her a sheet of paper…at the top, it read: 20 things you could’ve done–instead of flippin’ a teacher off*…]

[she looked at it, was quiet for a beat, then looked up at me…and stared me down]

student: no way, not doing it

me: ok, you can do “20” for me today, or “40” for your teachers tomorrow

[she thought about it for a moment, frowned, and slowly walked toward the other side of the courtyard…then, she sat down at a bench, took out a pen, and started writing…i smiled to myself 🙂 ]

at this point, trying to teach anything was completely futile…so, i told my class about the consequence i gave her…and waited…perched on the edge of my desk…

after a little while, i saw one of her teachers come out to the courtyard and talk to some of the students about an assignment…then quickly, she headed back into the school (before i got a chance to ‘wave her over’)…

anyways, not long after that, the girl got up and came toward the window again…

at the window, she handed me her list of “20 things”…

it read:

  1. smiled
  2. waved
  3. walk away
  4. thumbs up
  5. yelled
  6. talked about it
  7. stayed calm
  8. wait until you weren’t there
  9. laughed
  10. ignore it
  11. screamed
  12. gone back inside
  13. listened
  14. been upset to myself
  15. wrote a note
  16. flicked off someone else say hi
  17. punched my hand
  18. not gone outside
  19. stayed at home
  20. ran away

as i read it over, i thought it was spectacular (and funny, too)…and in our exchange, i had her change #16 (for obvious reasons)…when she did, i thanked her politely and we went our separate ways…

at that point, i turned back to the class, held up the list, and said (with a smile):

“20 things”–no one messes with criminal justice, peeps!

[they clapped and cheered as i pinned it to my bulletin board…then, we moved on with what was left of the day]

later, i talked to my friends (the cosmetology teachers) about what ‘had gone down’ in the courtyard…they were ‘cool with my response’ for their student and appreciated me holding her accountable…

proposition: boundary setting is no ‘piece of cake’…but, sometimes, it sure can be fun! cheers!

*the “20 things” is something i got from my wife, who happens to be a stellar middle-school teacher!!!

note: the consequence(s) imposed should be reasonable-meaning, it should fit the offense…getting ‘the finger’ is a really minor offense in my world (then again, i’ve been punched, kicked, spit at, grabbed, pushed, slapped, poked, (vehemently) ‘swore at’ and had objects thrown at me over the course of my career…so, my perspective is skewed off of that…heh, heh)…so, giving/recommending the ‘clas program’ or an ‘in-school suspension (ISS)’ for this particular offense would’ve been over-the-top, in my opinion…but, again, my response was based on my specific work situation/experience/prior history with the ‘youth in question’–and ultimately, my discretion…your situation/setting and (to some degree) your perspective will dictate your boundaries and how you respond to certain behaviors…

tradecraft…boundaries (part III)

August 11, 2014 By in tradecraft Tags: , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

boundaries in structured settings — an example (for professional youth workers):

in settings like schools, juvenile rehabilitation centers, faith-based organizations, summer camps, etc…professionals have the luxury of being guided by state laws and organizational policies in boundary setting…at the same time, depending on the individual group plan within a structured system, the boundaries may look very different:

different programs = different expectations & consequences

student/teacher classroom scenario:

expectation: no talking in class (when the instructor is presenting–unless we’re in a discussion, of course)

consequence: if you disrupt the class by constant talking you can a) be moved to another seat; b) be moved to the clas program; c) be given ISS

note: the clas program is an option at our school; it is a ‘intermediate removal action’ — where the student is removed from the classroom and sent to the clas program room (near the front office)…typically, for only an hour or two – it’s the step we use before ISS (ISS stands for ‘in-school suspension’ which is an entire day stay) –“b” and “c” can be implemented if “consequence a” doesn’t make a dent in the behavior…and the student continues to exhibit disruptive behavior that interferes with the learning process…

here’s a pattern/pathway i’ve followed before…

john commits a boundary violation: john talks loudly about the great time he had at a party over the weekend and disrupts a lesson; his talking distracts other students and pulls them into his story… 

me (response = a choice is offered):  john, would you rather stop talking and continue to sit by your friends or continue talking and move to this seat (near the front of the class)???*

john: stop talking, i guess…

me: ok, let’s move on then…

[a few minutes later…]

john repeats the same boundary violation: talks in class and disrupts a lesson

me (response/action = consequence): i say, “john, your talking is interrupting my teaching–please move to this seat”**

note: i didn’t say, “who do you think you are? you never learn, do you, john?! i can’t stand you–move over here”

*importantly…offering choices can be an extremely valuable thing to do within the “expectation-consequence” scheme…doing so, puts the ball back in their court, where they have some power over ‘the outcome’ & can decide on a course of action–though, all choices/options are ones that you are alright with (as the authority figure) — in other words, the only options on the table are the ones that can get what you want, what you expect…as far as boundaries go…offering choices also keeps things from “getting heated” or “escalating” — nobody likes a tyrant 🙂

**the response that i gave here was the right one…because it focuses on the behavior–what the student did, not who the student is …the response that “i didn’t say”, on the other hand, would’ve been wrong…because it makes the issue personal, confrontational, and (often) an “instant battle”…in fact, taking that tact may very well escalate the situation…by making it about who john is as a person and not about john’s behavior-his talking in class…not what we want to be doing as professionals…

anyways, let’s say that…john ‘behaves’ for the rest of the class period…

the next day i might allow him to go back to his original seat (i might even give him “a carrot” in the middle of a consequence …or thereafter…and let him know that he may be able to return to his original seat tomorrow if he can handle his new location for the rest of the day)~

note: in this scenario, i didn’t keep giving the student choices and choices and choices and choices and choices or keep doing the ask, ask, ask, ask, ask thing–which, honestly–doesn’t do a damn bit of good–but, some people go that route in these situations…usually, they are new and inexperienced…and often…they are unsure, afraid or lacking confidence in their authority (or, they want to be seen as ‘cool’ or they want to be ‘friends’ with the kids–one of my least favorite incarnations of a ‘professional youth worker’)…so, if you give an expectation for behavior…it’s really important to follow through (consistently) with the known/stated consequence–pull the trigger, people!–in doing so, you will gain the respect of the kids in your charge and there will be no limits on what you can accomplish together; if you, on the other hand, give an expectation for behavior and don’t follow through with a known/stated consequence–then, not only will you lose the respect of the kids…but, it will become increasingly difficult to manage their behaviors…therefore, making anything you try to accomplish with them much more difficult, if not impossible–

consistent follow through is key in ‘boundaries work’ in structured settings–it shows them (the kid who is ‘acting out’ and the rest of the group) that you’re “not playin'” and “mean business”…