Tag Archives: boundaries

tradecraft: boundaries (part VI)

November 17, 2014 By in herding (my own) cats, thank you notes, tradecraft Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

boundaries at home: the wisdom of…parenting with love and logic…

reading books is a luxury that disappears once you have children…when someone asks me, what’s the last book you read, d.???…my response often sounds something like this…uh, let me think about that now…hmmmmm…the first ‘harry potter’ book…no, not quite that far back–maybe the first ‘hunger games’ book…the movies may be fresh right now (don’t see those right away either), but the books have been around for a while and i’m not on top of what’s new, you know…these twins have me on the ropes;)

but, the good news is–there is light at the end of the tunnel…and as they get older, it starts to come back…little by little…

i started to see that happening this past summer, when i had the chance to pick up the book ‘parenting with love and logic’ by foster cline and jim fay (and several opportunities to actually read it or at least parts of it, unbelievable!)…it was a book that was recommended to my wife and i by our friends nate and emily youngblood…and i’m glad that they made the recommendation, because it is a really great book for parents (both the ‘newly minted moms and dads’ and seasoned veterans of ‘the parenting wars’)…

for me, one of the greatest take-aways from the book so far...is the importance of choice in everyday life…and that, even if your kids are as young as 2 years old you can give them choices, options in the midst of a resistant or contrary behavior…choices that will help them and you reach the desired outcome of a situation–without a power struggle, no less…now, i’m a teacher, so this stuff isn’t completely new to me–i’ve written about choices/options as it relates to navigating expectations and boundaries and consequences with the kids i’ve worked with before…kids who are teenagers, mostly…but, working with toddlers is different…and working with my own toddlers has its own pitfalls–in other words, when certain challenges have come up, i haven’t always known what course to take…it’s like starting from scratch…

importantly, when i talk about choices or options that you can give your kids…i’m not talking about letting them call the shots…they’re 2 years old, people…but, what i am talking about and what i have learned from this book is the fact that even a simple, little choice can give them some power in a situation; it allows them the opportunity to think or to start thinking about things, what they are doing and what choices they are making…it is an opportunity to start working on those life skills…

let me give you an example of the distinction between your children making choices vs. your children calling the shots — and one of the many reasons for why i love this book…

one of the key phrases i picked up from ‘parenting with love and logic’ is: would you like to go by air or by feet?

it’s funny, i read this section of the book right when our toddlers, jack and grace, were first showing signs of serious resistance to our requests to go somewhere…telling us ‘no’ or ‘i don’t wanna’…and staying put, right where they were–immovable human objects…

common times for resistance in our family were/are:

  1. getting in the car
  2. going to the dinner table
  3. going to get changed
  4. going to their rooms for bedtime

here’s a case in point: jack was becoming more and more resistant about getting into the car when we had somewhere to go…so, one day, not too long after i had read the ‘by air or by feet’ part, he was up to his old tricks…not wanting to go to the car, refusing our directives and being non-compliant…and, of course, we were going somewhere fun…like the zoo–so, go figure (this is the kind of behavior that drives parents absolutely nuts)…anyways, the family was dressed and ready to head out the door when jack said…

i’m not going.

so, i asked him,

you don’t want to go to the zoo?

and he said,

no, i don’t.

[an impasse–if we continued to go back and forth like this, the situation would’ve turned into a power struggle–and nobody wins a power struggle; at the same time, if we had let him stay back and have his way when this is what the family was doing–we’d have lost this battle and it could’ve easily set us up for problems in the future–where we might find ourselves handing over our authority to our children again and again–or what i like to call: letting them call the shots]…

so, i paused for a moment and said…

jack this what we’re doing today…you can either go to the car by air or by feet…you can either walk there on your own or be carried (i explained it completely because it was our first go round with this technique)…

i’m not going, he said again.

so, i said…

so, by air, then?! (and picked him up and carried him to the car)

it didn’t take him long after that to realize that he had some say in how he could get from ‘here to there’…that he had a choice in the matter (a little life matter)…and since that first time, he’s often chosen the ‘by feet’ option…

importantly, and this is oh so important–in cases like this, you (the parents) are still getting the results you want…just like we did…in our case, what wasn’t up for debate or argument was the fact that he was going to the car and all of us were going to the zoo together…those were non-negotiables…how he was going to get there was up to him and allowable by “us parents” 🙂

despite the fact that this is something that won’t work with/be appropriate with older/bigger kids, it’s been such an effective response in our home that i’ve often daydreamed about using the same technique on my high school students:  what?! don’t want to go on the field trip–well, you can either go ‘by air or by feet’…what?! don’t want to go to ISS–well, you can either go ‘by air or by feet’…

i can only imagine the puzzled looks on their faces at being presented with those options…

🙂

honestly, ‘by air or by feet’ has saved us from countless knock down, drag-out battles…

so, thank you so very much…parenting with love and logic authors, you rule!

 

tradecraft…boundaries (part V)

August 31, 2014 By in tradecraft Tags: , , , , , , , , 4 Comments

fun with boundaries (in structured settings) exhibit B

nobody likes to have their authority tested and challenged…but, it can and will happen in this line of work…and sometimes, we can get bogged down in the muck of the job of setting boundaries for kids…let’s be honest–it can be challenging, upsetting, and downright exhausting…in fact, if you’re a loyal follower of this blog (thank you!:), i’m sure you can recall several stories that highlight those trials…however, like we saw in the last post…sometimes, when the the stars align just right and you sense a chance to do something beyond the routine…setting boundaries can be fun, too…

here’s another example of what i’m talking about from my classroom case files:

one day, a student (who we’ll call ‘bobby’) raised his hand and asked me a question…

bobby: can i step outside–to the hall–and call my work, it’s really important?

[i look at him for a moment, then nod my head…thinking, there’s only a couple of weeks left of school, what’s the harm?]

me: yep, make it quick

[so, bobby gets up and goes out into the hall…i continue on with the lesson for the day…]

…

10 minutes later, i walk out into the hall to call bobby back to class…i look one direction, then the other…i don’t see him anywhere…i think to myself, did he ‘dip out’ (skip out on class and leave school premises) or is he somewhere else in the building?!

so, i go back into my classroom and scan the crowd–looking for the most trustworthy male student in class…unfortunately, i don’t see him, so i settle on the next best thing…the most trustworthy male student runner-up…

me: can you go down to the bathroom and see if bobby’s there?

[he gives me ‘a nod’ and heads out of the room…]

after a few minutes, ‘runner-up’ comes back to the room and shakes his head–the message is clear–no, he’s not there…

i frown, thinking to myself…damn, i just ‘got played’ (like a fiddle)…press play on the charlie daniel’s band devil went down to georgia…

another student remarks that there was some kind of ‘end of year celebration’ going on at a class back at his home school and that he might’ve been on the way to that…

[we teach kids from surrounding district schools, they self-select (mostly) our courses as electives, get bussed to our location (a few kids drive themselves), then go back to their home schools for the rest of the day…i say “mostly self select” because, in some cases, counselors and administrators from the students’ home school have “highly encouraged” them to come take classes with us…often enough, they’ve “highly encouraged” the kids who are “a handful” at their schools and they want the troublemakers out-of-the-way for a couple of hours (sad but true)…in a few specific cases, i’ve imagined these same administrators and counselors sitting at their desks, laughing–muhahaha, muhahaha…as they look at the names of some of the “select few” they’ve dealt me]…

so, i tuck that piece of information away and finish off the last 15 minutes of class…

at this point, i’m paying really close attention to the time on the clock–and trying to reconstruct the ‘timing of things’..what time did i go out and check on him? what time did he leave my room? how much class time did he miss?

i calculate that he missed 25 minutes of class…in other words, he owes me 25 minutes for dippin’ out…

but there’s something else…he lied to my face—when i was trying to help him out, no less?!

i mean, i’m pretty much like any other teacher around–i can’t stand it when kids lie to me…so, i’m thinking that he owes me “something more” than the 25 minutes because “lying” is an aggravating factor (making the boundary violation/offense more serious)…what “more” looks like at this point…i’m not sure…

i need to think…

as i reflect on the event, i remember that tomorrow is the day when we host our own “end of year bbq”–for the kids at our school–to show them how much we appreciate them…so, right away, i know he’s going to miss out on 25 minutes of that end of year fun–that thought makes me happy 🙂

we’re getting there…the ledger is just about balanced…

but, i’m still feeling like i want to tack on a little “something special”…

as i go through my day, his case continues taking up space in the back of my mind…should i do this? should i do that?  then, i remember something about bobby…the memory leads me to my answer…for the entire semester, bobby has been talking up his post-secondary career…almost every day, for more than four months, he’s made mention of it to his classmates and i…for four months and counting, bobby hasn’t stopped talking about the navy and his plans to enlist…

it’s right at that moment, at the inception of that thought…that i know exactly what the “something special” is going to be…

and it makes me smile 🙂

…

[the next day]

the students file in and take their seats…

one student remarks that he heard bobby saying, mr. d.’s gonna be pissed at me for taking off like that…

i smile slightly and wait…

i see bobby come in and head towards his seat…wasting no time, i call him up to my desk…

[he walks up sheepishly]

me: so, yesterday…wanted some free time, eh?

bobby: yeah, i’m sorry…

me: so,  you owe me some time in the clas program–25 minutes–the time you skipped out on…then, you can join us in the courtyard for the barbecue…

bobby: ok

immediately, he turns and steps toward the door…

me: hold on…there’s one more thing…

[he stops and faces me again]

me: i was helping you out, letting you call your work in the hall…but you lied to me and took off…not o.k….i want you to copy down this page and return it to me at the end of your 25 minutes in the clas program…got it?!

he takes the sheet without looking at it and says…

ok, will do [and leaves the room]

…

[25 minutes later]

bobby comes up to me with the sheet in hand, complete…i smile and process the incident with him briefly–i.e. what are you gonna do next time talk? after 2 minutes, i tell him…

we’re good…now, why don’t you grab a hotdog and a bag of chips…

as he walks away, i look down at the assignment i gave him and smile to myself…

it reads:

Navy Code of Ethics
10 November 2005

DEPARTMENT OF THE NAVY CODE OF ETHICS

Key References: Title 5–Administrative Personnel Chapter XVI–Office Of Government Ethics Part 2635–Standards Of Ethical Conduct For Employees Of The Executive Branch–Table of Contents Subpart A–General Provisions Sec. 2635.101; Employees’ Responsibilities under Executive Order 12674 (as amended).

DO
Place loyalty to the Constitution, the laws, and ethical principles above private gain.

Act impartially to all groups, persons, and organizations.

Give an honest effort in the performance of your duties.

Protect and conserve Federal property.

Disclose fraud, waste, and abuse, and corruption to appropriate authorities.

Fulfill in good faith your obligations as citizens, and pay your Federal, State, and local taxes.

Comply with all laws providing equal opportunity to all persons, regardless of their race, color, religion, sex, national origin, age, or handicap.

DO NOT
Use nonpublic information to benefit yourself or anyone else.

Solicit or accept gifts from persons or parties that do business with or seek official action from DOD (unless permitted by an exception).

Make unauthorized commitments or promises that bind the government.

Use Federal property for unauthorized purposes.

Take jobs or hold financial interests that conflict with your government responsibilities.

Take actions that give the appearance that they are illegal or unethical.

[for the last week-and-a-half, he was like, ‘yes, sir…no, sir’]

footnote: the topic of boundaries is one we’ll come back to again…at a later time…because there’s more–much more to say…

 

 

tradecraft…boundaries (part IV)

August 14, 2014 By in tradecraft Tags: , , , Leave a comment

fun with boundaries (in structured settings) exhibit A

o.k., so we’ve covered a lot of ground…and more recently, we’ve covered a lot of the serious stuff surrounding boundaries (in structured settings)–but at the end of the day, one of the best things you can do is give yourself some grace with this kind of thing…holding kids accountable; setting and enforcing boundaries is not easy…but, you can get better at it–with time and practice (lots and lots of practice)…

while you know how important boundaries can be for an individual, group and/or community…it’s also really important to note that boundaries and boundary setting can be a lot of fun, too!!!

to illustrate that point, here’s a story from my classroom case files:

one day i was giving a presentation to my class (fyi-it was the last hour of the day, with two weeks left before summer vacation) when another group of students from our school (cosmetology class) came out into the courtyard near my room (my classroom has a row of windows that runs down one wall…it’s the wall that faces the courtyard)…

things were going along fine, when suddenly, a student started ‘making a racket’ right outside one of my windows (we, of course, had the classroom windows open–it was almost summer-time, after all!)…the student got ‘loud and obnoxious’…

so, i glanced outside (and so did my students)…to see what all the fuss was about…i stood there for a minute, watching and listening, as this one girl carried on about some boy…i had seen this kind of frenetic behavior before, it’s what i call: the typical cosmetology drama…think: 90210 on speed…

i watched, thinking–God bless the teachers in that program…mercy!

anyways…i looked around the courtyard and didn’t see her teachers anywhere…must be on the way….but, she was still carrying on…she continued to distract and disrupt my students…so, i went over to an open window (near the front of the class) and called her over…as she walked to the window, i glanced back at my students…and at that moment, i saw them… simultaneously and as a whole…lean forward in their chairs…like they had practiced that synchronized move all year-long…

so, i turned back to the window and talked to the girl (library-quiet style) who was making mischief…she on one side of the open window (screen-less), me on the other…

me: hey, nice day, isn’t it?!  hey, i can understand why you’d be so pumped up to be outside, but would you mind toning it down a little…we’ve got class going on in here?

student: sure, no problem

me: thanks

after our exchange, i turned away from the window and faced my class…and immediately, my students made their next collective move…

in unison, they were up and out of their chairs, pointing and shouting:

mr. d!!!, mr. d!!! she just gave you ‘the finger’!!!

i looked at my class as if to say, “really?!”…they continued shouting and pointing towards the windows…

so, i glanced outside and saw the girl i had just visited with…she was talking and laughing with her friend on the other side of the courtyard (the other 20 girls in the group continued working on their assignments–they seemed to be unaware of what was going on)…

i still didn’t see the cosmetology instructors…

i turned back to my students…and calmed them all down…then, i zeroed in on one particular student (the most honest one in the class) and asked her quietly:

did she really do that?! (just to confirm what had ‘gone down’)

she nodded back to me and said:

yes

momentarily, i drifted off to dreamland and imagined myself running back and forth along the bank of windows with my arms outstretched, my fists clenched–save for my middle fingers (which i’d locked in the upright position)–pumping my hands up and down like pistols…all the while, shouting p-pow, pow–p-pow, pow–p-pow, pow…what’s up now?!  (press play on bon jovi’s, ‘blaze of glory’)…

but, eventually, i “came to”, snapped out of it, and shook off the daydream…

now, normally…99.9% of the time, i would’ve just talked about the behavior with one of her instructors (after school) and left it to them to ‘consequence her’…and they would’ve (most certainly) clamped down on her the next day (we’ve ‘got each other’s backs’ when it comes to student discipline, no doubt–which is awesome!)…and i would’ve been done with it…

but, this time, i decided to handle it myself (for the fun of it)…

so, i went over to my desk and spent a little time at work…my class was stone silent, of course…waiting, wondering…what’s going to happen next?!

after a moment, i got up, walked to the window, and called the girl over (once again)…behind me, i heard movement…and i knew my class was, once again, ‘leaning in’…

she came over and we started talking…

me (library-quiet once more): so, you know…you owe me something

student: what do you mean?!

me: you know, for your hand gesture…for the ‘disrespect’

student: really, ‘the finger’?!  that was nothing! (admission)

me: hmmmm…

[i handed her a sheet of paper…at the top, it read: 20 things you could’ve done–instead of flippin’ a teacher off*…]

[she looked at it, was quiet for a beat, then looked up at me…and stared me down]

student: no way, not doing it

me: ok, you can do “20” for me today, or “40” for your teachers tomorrow

[she thought about it for a moment, frowned, and slowly walked toward the other side of the courtyard…then, she sat down at a bench, took out a pen, and started writing…i smiled to myself 🙂 ]

at this point, trying to teach anything was completely futile…so, i told my class about the consequence i gave her…and waited…perched on the edge of my desk…

after a little while, i saw one of her teachers come out to the courtyard and talk to some of the students about an assignment…then quickly, she headed back into the school (before i got a chance to ‘wave her over’)…

anyways, not long after that, the girl got up and came toward the window again…

at the window, she handed me her list of “20 things”…

it read:

  1. smiled
  2. waved
  3. walk away
  4. thumbs up
  5. yelled
  6. talked about it
  7. stayed calm
  8. wait until you weren’t there
  9. laughed
  10. ignore it
  11. screamed
  12. gone back inside
  13. listened
  14. been upset to myself
  15. wrote a note
  16. flicked off someone else say hi
  17. punched my hand
  18. not gone outside
  19. stayed at home
  20. ran away

as i read it over, i thought it was spectacular (and funny, too)…and in our exchange, i had her change #16 (for obvious reasons)…when she did, i thanked her politely and we went our separate ways…

at that point, i turned back to the class, held up the list, and said (with a smile):

“20 things”–no one messes with criminal justice, peeps!

[they clapped and cheered as i pinned it to my bulletin board…then, we moved on with what was left of the day]

later, i talked to my friends (the cosmetology teachers) about what ‘had gone down’ in the courtyard…they were ‘cool with my response’ for their student and appreciated me holding her accountable…

proposition: boundary setting is no ‘piece of cake’…but, sometimes, it sure can be fun! cheers!

*the “20 things” is something i got from my wife, who happens to be a stellar middle-school teacher!!!

note: the consequence(s) imposed should be reasonable-meaning, it should fit the offense…getting ‘the finger’ is a really minor offense in my world (then again, i’ve been punched, kicked, spit at, grabbed, pushed, slapped, poked, (vehemently) ‘swore at’ and had objects thrown at me over the course of my career…so, my perspective is skewed off of that…heh, heh)…so, giving/recommending the ‘clas program’ or an ‘in-school suspension (ISS)’ for this particular offense would’ve been over-the-top, in my opinion…but, again, my response was based on my specific work situation/experience/prior history with the ‘youth in question’–and ultimately, my discretion…your situation/setting and (to some degree) your perspective will dictate your boundaries and how you respond to certain behaviors…

tradecraft…boundaries (part III)

August 11, 2014 By in tradecraft Tags: , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

boundaries in structured settings — an example (for professional youth workers):

in settings like schools, juvenile rehabilitation centers, faith-based organizations, summer camps, etc…professionals have the luxury of being guided by state laws and organizational policies in boundary setting…at the same time, depending on the individual group plan within a structured system, the boundaries may look very different:

different programs = different expectations & consequences

student/teacher classroom scenario:

expectation: no talking in class (when the instructor is presenting–unless we’re in a discussion, of course)

consequence: if you disrupt the class by constant talking you can a) be moved to another seat; b) be moved to the clas program; c) be given ISS

note: the clas program is an option at our school; it is a ‘intermediate removal action’ — where the student is removed from the classroom and sent to the clas program room (near the front office)…typically, for only an hour or two – it’s the step we use before ISS (ISS stands for ‘in-school suspension’ which is an entire day stay) –“b” and “c” can be implemented if “consequence a” doesn’t make a dent in the behavior…and the student continues to exhibit disruptive behavior that interferes with the learning process…

here’s a pattern/pathway i’ve followed before…

john commits a boundary violation: john talks loudly about the great time he had at a party over the weekend and disrupts a lesson; his talking distracts other students and pulls them into his story… 

me (response = a choice is offered):  john, would you rather stop talking and continue to sit by your friends or continue talking and move to this seat (near the front of the class)???*

john: stop talking, i guess…

me: ok, let’s move on then…

[a few minutes later…]

john repeats the same boundary violation: talks in class and disrupts a lesson

me (response/action = consequence): i say, “john, your talking is interrupting my teaching–please move to this seat”**

note: i didn’t say, “who do you think you are? you never learn, do you, john?! i can’t stand you–move over here”

*importantly…offering choices can be an extremely valuable thing to do within the “expectation-consequence” scheme…doing so, puts the ball back in their court, where they have some power over ‘the outcome’ & can decide on a course of action–though, all choices/options are ones that you are alright with (as the authority figure) — in other words, the only options on the table are the ones that can get what you want, what you expect…as far as boundaries go…offering choices also keeps things from “getting heated” or “escalating” — nobody likes a tyrant 🙂

**the response that i gave here was the right one…because it focuses on the behavior–what the student did, not who the student is …the response that “i didn’t say”, on the other hand, would’ve been wrong…because it makes the issue personal, confrontational, and (often) an “instant battle”…in fact, taking that tact may very well escalate the situation…by making it about who john is as a person and not about john’s behavior-his talking in class…not what we want to be doing as professionals…

anyways, let’s say that…john ‘behaves’ for the rest of the class period…

the next day i might allow him to go back to his original seat (i might even give him “a carrot” in the middle of a consequence …or thereafter…and let him know that he may be able to return to his original seat tomorrow if he can handle his new location for the rest of the day)~

note: in this scenario, i didn’t keep giving the student choices and choices and choices and choices and choices or keep doing the ask, ask, ask, ask, ask thing–which, honestly–doesn’t do a damn bit of good–but, some people go that route in these situations…usually, they are new and inexperienced…and often…they are unsure, afraid or lacking confidence in their authority (or, they want to be seen as ‘cool’ or they want to be ‘friends’ with the kids–one of my least favorite incarnations of a ‘professional youth worker’)…so, if you give an expectation for behavior…it’s really important to follow through (consistently) with the known/stated consequence–pull the trigger, people!–in doing so, you will gain the respect of the kids in your charge and there will be no limits on what you can accomplish together; if you, on the other hand, give an expectation for behavior and don’t follow through with a known/stated consequence–then, not only will you lose the respect of the kids…but, it will become increasingly difficult to manage their behaviors…therefore, making anything you try to accomplish with them much more difficult, if not impossible–

consistent follow through is key in ‘boundaries work’ in structured settings–it shows them (the kid who is ‘acting out’ and the rest of the group) that you’re “not playin'” and “mean business”… 

tradecraft…boundaries (part II)

August 10, 2014 By in tradecraft Tags: , , , , , , , , , , 2 Comments

definition, purpose & implementation

  • what do we mean we talk about “boundaries”???

“boundaries” is a euphemism for rules…so, a good working definition is: boundaries = rules for appropriate behavior

  • why do we set boundaries???

to keep an individual and others safe; to teach and instill character and pro-social skills…

  • how do “boundaries” work??? how do we implement them???

in the most basic sense, boundaries work best when you give kids expectations (what you expect from them, what their behavior should look like according to the rules of  a specific setting or situation) and consequences (disciplinary actions for violating a boundary or don’t meet an expectation)…this approach works best in structured settings when you are working with kids and you want to be “clear and upfront with them from the get-go” (about what you expect) and provide consistent follow through with consequences when it doesn’t happen…

it can be a bit different ‘at home’ or in parenting…where boundaries may be (especially in early childhood) more nuanced, organic, on the spot, in the moment, etc–that’s not to say they are any less important in this setting…in fact, i would argue that boundary setting at home is one of the most important things parents can do for their children…anyways…when we move from early childhood to elementary-age to teenage years…imposing specific ‘expectation-consequence ground rules’–with regard to certain behaviors–will need to happen more often…

  • what are some examples of boundaries (from real-life)???

this blog is loaded with examples of boundaries, boundary violations/challenging behaviors, appropriate responses and consequences…in the next few posts, we’ll take a look at some more examples of boundaries–from both the “work-job” and the “home front”…

but, before we do…it’s important to note that, like the other posts on tradecraft, setting and enforcing boundaries is a skill…you don’t just wake up one day and know how to navigate this kind of thing…along with that, this is not something that should be done in a ‘fly by night’ kind of manner–good boundary setting (and enforcing) is something that requires thought, practice, reflection and adaptation…additionally, this skill is one that is very much connected to the tradecraft we’ve covered already…in fact, it is closely tied to the skills voice and non-verbals–which included, ‘how to talk to kids’, ‘deflectors’, tone, word choice, volume, body language, body positioning, gestures and facial experessions…all of these things matter–big time–when we’re giving expectations and (especially) when we’re giving consequences to kids…what kind of verbal and non-verbal messages are we transmitting?! are we saying what we want to say?!

the big question is: when we are setting boundaries…are we doing so with basic human dignity and respect?!

like the other skills we’ve acquired for herding cats, boundary setting skills can develop and sharpen over time…with practice…luckily, there’s no shortage of opportunities to fine-tune these skills 🙂

 

 

tradecraft…boundaries (part I)

August 1, 2014 By in tradecraft Tags: , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

boundaries: preface

one of the best things that an adult…who is working with kids (and especially, an adult who is raising kids)…can do–to bring up responsible young people–is to give their toddlers, children, and teens boundaries…even their ‘tweens’ in a lot cases–especially, when you consider that the pre-frontal cortex isn’t fully developed until people are on their way past ‘legal adulthood’ as defined by state laws…you know the part of the brain i’m talking about…the part that controls impulsive behavior and the ability to make good decisions 🙂

in my opinon, all kids need boundaries…expecting a kid to function positively and responsibly in the world without good boundaries is like expecting a house to stand without a solid foundation…it’s just not gonna happen, folks…

one of my favorite gems on this topic comes from child and family expert, dr. david walsh:

“it’s a kid’s job to test limits, it’s our job (responsible parents and other adults) to set limits–in saying ‘no’ to our kids…we are (hopefully) teaching them to say ‘no’ to themselves (some day)” (walsh, 2014)…

importantly, one of the single most important ‘trade skills’ in working effectively with young people is establishing good and reasonable boundaries for kids to know and follow…i mean, how can any teacher, counselor, para, social worker, coach, youth leader, juvenile justice worker, or parent instruct a young person if that young person is doing what they want to do when they want to do it…with no regard for anyone else around them?!

this is a part of instructing our youth that we need to return to wholeheartedly and fearlessly in our society, in america…i would argue that there’s never been a more important time for us to get back to the ‘world of boundaries’ than right now…because it’s something we’ve strayed away from…and we can see the results reflected in how young people see themselves and act in the world today…it’s not a pretty sight…

so, with that…we begin a new series on boundaries…

stay tuned…

[i would like give a special ‘shout out’ to family friend and proud parent of two, rachel s.–who called for some special attention to this subject back when i wrote the post titled, ‘know your role’–so, while it’s a bit late in coming…this series is for you, sister! cheers!]

digital demeanor…

February 22, 2014 By in observations Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

with the regular and on-going controversies of adolescents involved in inappropriate on-line communications continuing to surface (the most recent one involving a “tweet” from a student attending a high school in minnesota)…

the issue of digital demeanor…is worth mentioning…

so to are the harms that can result from “behaving badly in electronic spaces”…spaces that “seem private” or “distant from the real world”…but are, in fact–real in their consequences…

since we don’t know enough about “the recent minnesota high school case” to judge it appropriately, let me give you  an example about what i mean by digital demeanor...from an experience in my classroom…to illustrate how things can go horribly wrong…

[note: while digital demeanor can include words and images transmitted by way of desk-top and lap-top computers, phones and other digital devicies…this blog post primarily focuses on “cell-phone issues and demeanor” because the use of cell-phones is prevalent among my students]

classroom case files: nearly eight years ago, in my first year of teaching…one male student sent another male student a text message that included images of brokeback mountain…with harassing statements that included the sender calling the other student “gay” and a “f**” and other inappropriate comments that the sender thought “were funny”…the incident came to light (in-class) because of a verbal altercation that happened as a result of that message…the sender, of course, received consequences for his actions–from me and the school administration…in this case, the consequences were only “school-based”…but, had it gone differently…it could’ve easily reached the level where criminal charges were filed by the victim…

stuff like this is serious and far from funny…and unfortunately…stuff like this still happens regularly…

specifically, these virtual spaces allow people to post words or images that may harm or harass another person…or come back on the person who posted the word or image, if they did so impulsively, without thinking, or without “the proper training”…it should come as no surprise then, that a lot of these cases involve teenagers who text, tweet, or post something in a public/on-line venue of some kind–in other words, they involve cases of people whose brains are not fully developed…

these posts and images, as you know, are sent out into the world by way of mobile digital devices (most often, by way of cell-phones)…devices that have been provided to adolescents by adults (parents) in their lives…because, ultimately, it is socially acceptable to do so…

so, let’s review…

we give teenagers…people whose brains are still developing (specifically, the impulse control and decision-making parts) a tool of unbelievable and unprecedented power when we give them a hand-held digital device…a tool that allows them the unsupervised and unrestricted ability (often times)–to transmit/receive unformed, uninformed, irrational, immature, reckless and impulsive messages between them and the world at large…

so, should we be surprised when a teen makes a mistake here?!  it is like handing them the keys to a 2014 ford mustang sports car…a la ‘fast and furious’…(without driver’s education, a permit, and a license) and saying, ‘have fun!’…

let me be clear…i am not making excuses for teens here…absolutely not–digital demeanor is, clearly, a major social problem–especially for adolescents…

at the same time, it is not just a concern for adolescents but for adults as well…i mean, i’ve had to exercise self-discipline in my own use of this kind of power…at times, i’ve made mistakes…and hit “send” on an email or a text that was reactive or aggressive–the kind of messages i wish i could have back, you know…

so, i guess, what i’m asking is…where is the line?  are we setting the boundaries that we need to set for our young people?  are we holding them accountable when they violate those boundaries? are we teaching them to make good choices?  are we teaching them to be responsible with this kind of power?  importantly, while a significant amount of parents need to “tighten-up” their house rules and monitoring of their teen’s digital use…this is not a rant against parents or a “blame the parents” blog post…believe me, i can feel for parents who have done the right thing, who have set limits and boundaries for their kids–and to their horror, their kids “still messed it up”–teens make their own choices, after all…and have to accept responsiblity for those choices…but, what can we do?  how can we do the “digital thing” better?  how can we improve our digital demeanor?

finding answers to these questions may be difficult, but a good starting point is with nationally known, parent/child educator, dr. david walsh…

dr. walsh travels around the country and talks about ‘the teenage brain’, boundaries, and digital responsibility (the lessons he shares are extremely valuable and can be taken from both his books and his “face-to-face” presentations)…from his research, he has identified three pillars of digital health (walsh, 2014):

  1. Digital participation: Young people who participate meaningfully in their digital lives learn that technology isn’t just for entertainment; it is also a tool for learning, networking and engagement.
  2. Digital citizenship: We like to think of digital citizenship as the habit of mind that guides the way we treat one another online.
  3. Digital discipline: Digital discipline is the set of skills, behaviors and practices that enable us to power down and unplug when we need to.

of these, digital demeanor falls most certainly in the category of digital citizenship…or, what i would call the ‘moral category’…the right way and wrong way to behave and treat one another online…the guidelines and boundaries that parents, teachers, and other meaningful adults can set for young people in our society…

a good general rule that applies to this situation is one that we all learned in kindergarten–if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all…

because just like kids who inappropriately over-share and blurt (verbally) in homes, schools and other settings all over the world…they also, inappropriately over-share and blurt online–and i believe we can curtail that type of behavior–i believe we can herd dem cats on the digital frontier, as well…

personally, given the fact that these digital devices are such “life and learning disruptors” for adolescents…especially, phones (i see it regularly as a high school teacher)…i cringe at the thought of my children having and using cell-phones some day…so, here are some things that i promise to do as a father (if phones and phone usage are still a major social issue at the time my children start asking for one)…to establish ‘phone guidelines’ in our house (this is what my top 10 would look like)…

  1. i will make it known in our family that it is privilege to have your own cell-phone (not a right…and point out, that a cell-phone is a luxury item)
  2. i will make it known in our family that we will make decisions about phones together (who gets one, when they get it and what kind they get)
  3. i will delay getting our children cell-phones for as long as possible (i will be stubborn about it, regardless about what “their friends are doing”)
  4. for their first phone…i will get them one in “the ugly, un-cool, flip-phone” category with limited features–an 80’s cell-phone would be ideal (no internet access, no camera, etc…just the ‘bare bones’)
  5. once they demonstrate the ability to use the phone in #4 responsibly (for at least two years)…they may earn a phone with more power/features
  6. with each level of “increased power and features” i will give them “increased guidelines” (about how to use those tools responsibly)
  7. i will let them know that they will pay for their own phone and phone plans…whether by chores or own employment
  8. i will establish house rules for “shut-off” times…where they can’t be on their phones and/or have their phones in their rooms after certain times at night (see dr. walsh’s digital discipline)
  9. i will limit my own usage of technology around my wife and family (especially at the dinner table)
  10. i will pray that this plan works and that they use their phones like they’ve been taught:)

bonus: i will add any additional rules headquarters (my wife) tells me to;)

i’ll let you know (in 12+ years) if this works for us…

recommended readings: dr. dave’s cyberhood: making media choices that create a healthy electronic environment for your kids, dr. david walsh (2001); why do they act that way?: a survival guide to the adolescent brain for you and your teen , dr. david walsh (2004); no-why kids (of all ages) need to hear it and ways parents can say it, dr. david walsh (2007); girls on the edge: the four factors driving the new crisis for girls–sexual identity, the cyberbubble, obsessions, environmental toxins, dr. leonard sax (2010)

tradecraft…know your role

January 9, 2014 By in tradecraft Tags: , , , Leave a comment

whether a teacher, youth director, juvenile justice worker–or, a parent…it is important to reflect and think about how you are interacting with the children you work with or the children you have…

and to know your role…

one day in class a student asked me:

hey, mr. d., you’re my friend, right?!

i replied:

no, i’m not…i’m your teacher

on a different day, another student from another class  ‘doubled down’ on that comment and asked:

hey, mr. d., do you want to come a house party i’m throwin’ this saturday?

while images of me pulling a high-school version of ‘frank the tank’ filled my head…i replied:

no, i’m good

for the past decade, one of my biggest pet peeves with parents (and occasionally with certain youth leaders) is their wanting their kids to like them and/or being ‘friends’ with their kids (this wasn’t something i saw a lot of in my work with kids in the ’90s) 

let’s pause and think about this for a minute–parents have to realize what they are giving kids when they do things in this way…they are giving them the parental power and authority…and, this kind of power is, quite honestly, too big for young people–remember, we’re talking about kids–children and teenagers, people whose brains are not fully developed…people who, have brain damage 🙂

and to give them…the keys to the kingdom…unbelievable?!

i recently heard a phenomenal lecture by dr. leonard sax (as recommended to me by my friend, katie sanders), where he addressed this very issue…it is a lecture that should be “required listening” for all parents and youth leaders–in his presentation there are two brilliant insights that rise above a lot of good material–they are:

the first prerequisite of being a good parent is that you cannot be concerned with whether your child likes you or not…

&

parents need to be confident of their authority…parents have stepped away from their authority in this country…

(lecture on faith and boys and girls–the great disappointment, 10/10/13  http://www.faith-and-life.org/media )

the unwillingness to be the authority, to be the parent…leads to kids who think they can do whatever they want whenever they want to…they believe they are entitled to it..they believe they should be calling the shots…disrespecting every other adult they encounter along the way (including their parents)…

ultimately, it provides kids with a false sense of how the real world works…how will they handle rejection, suffering, and struggle? what are we preparing them for? what are we setting them up for?

unfortunately, i see this kind of thing play out in my classroom every single day…

luckily, there is a remedy, a fix–though far from easy–we can change how we do things…we can actually herd dem cats, instead of letting ’em run wild…

 

%d bloggers like this: