what we’re up against

July 21, 2014 By in observations Tags: , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

i love stories, storytellers and storytelling…

it’s no surprise then, that this blog came about…eventually…it was created, after all, to share stories…with my children, family, friends and the world at large…

the stories recounted here are about the up’s and downs of working with kids…what i refer to as herding cats…

and often times, the stories i share deal with the challenges of this kind of work…

in reading these (non-fiction) tales, you can begin to understand this kind of work from the perspective of someone who has done it for nearly 20 years…from someone who still enjoys it, despite the demands inherent in the job…

but, reading about these challenges is quite different from…seeing them, experiencing them, or navigating them–in the moment…for yourself…like a youth worker, teacher, counselor, or parent has to do every day…

in truth, the best thing for a person to do if they really wanted to see what we do–in real life–would be to follow us around for a while…shadow us in our work, if you will–however, that’s not always an option, that’s not always possible…

so, to help in the understanding…i would like to share a movie clip with you…from one of my all-time favorite flicks…good will hunting…

[the entire film is ‘quality’ and still holds up to this day–check it out]

and despite the fact that the movie itself is fictional, matt damon’s ‘troubled young man’ is the absolute closest portrayal, the most accurate rendering of what we’re up against…when we encounter a young person who has come up through some hard knocks in life–a young person who wants to challenge us, be defiant, put up a fight, push our buttons, test us, or make mischief…just because they can…

take a look at this scene where will meets his counselor (played by robin williams) for the first time…

q: is this scene a bit dramatic?!

a: sure

q: i mean, can we strangle or ‘choke out’ the kids in our charge…who push our buttons?!

a: no–well, maybe at some of the schools in ‘the south’ 🙂

q: have there been times when we-professionals-have imagined strangling someone–in those moments when we’re pushed to the edge?!

a: absolutely! (if you’ve been a loyal reader/follower of the blog…then, you already know the answer, my friends!)

in my experience (especially, from what i’ve seen in schools and juvenile prisons)…this is exactly the type of behavior and attitude you can expect to be up against…with a difficult young person…it is very true to life…

so much so, that what you didn’t see…in the next scene (and i’m really glad they included it, because it also rings true)…was will’s counselor…who, while he was at home (with a stiff drink in hand), stayed up until all hours of the night…thinking about will…because of what went down in those few moments in his office…

and that’s a really important thing to realize–the stuff you see, the stuff you have to deal with, the stuff that’s said to you…can be some of the most brutal stuff you’ll ever encounter in your life…it sticks with you…it sticks to you…it’s not something you just shake off or leave at the office…not at all…

not only that, but the whole idea (that’s casually passed around) of having thick skin…and ‘how you’ve got to have thick skin’ in this line of work–that’s bullshit, people (as my friend, kip, would say)…it’s a lie people tell themselves…and that’s not to say that youth workers, counselors, teachers, coaches, paras, and parents aren’t tough…they are…the good ones, the ones who stay in the fight–the ones who still work, strive, hope, pray and care for their kids…day in and day out…have some serious stones…

but, make no mistake…we also take with us…the scars from the battles we’ve won and (most often) lost…

from what we’ve been up against…

beyond tradecraft

July 18, 2014 By in faith stories, tradecraft Tags: , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

“you do not need to know precisely what is happening, or exactly where it is all going…what you need is to recognize the possibilities and challenges offered by the present moment, and to embrace them with courage, faith and hope.”
― thomas merton

one of the toughest kids i ever worked with (he’s on my top 25 list of all-time toughies-coming in at #25) was a high school student i encountered at summer camp…the place was the outdoor lutheran camp called luther heights bible camp (mentioned in several previous posts) and the summer was 1995…

note: just because you’re working at a bible camp doesn’t mean all the kids you meet are angels 🙂

anyways, up until this point, my experiences working with kids included working one-on-one with an at-risk, elementary school student in an after school mentoring program (for two semesters in college) and coaching soccer at sports camps (for four summers)…i had not yet delved into the world of juvenile justice, church youth work, or teaching…

i was an apprentice…

at herding cats

and he was a master…

at defiance 

and he was in my cabin group for the week…meaning, i was his counselor for the week…so, i was responsible for leading him and about 12 other high school boys through each day at camp (at the same time, there were about seven or eight other on-site cabins filled with the same number of high school students and a counselor)…the days would include games, challenge activities, morning/evening worship (a super-scaled down version of what you might encounter at an elca lutheran church on a sunday morning–to this day, i still prefer it to the formal sunday church stuff;), hikes, an overnight, special interest activities, talent show, bible study, etc…

usually, high school week is one of the best weeks of the summer…i mean, you’ve got kids who you can reason with and have relatively serious conversations with…ones who get your jokes…and often, ones who are really engaging and give you hope for the future of the world at large;) …but, this week was a tough one for me…because of carl (his name has been changed for this story)…

and no one could predict or foresee what was to transpire…at the end of our week together (and beyond)…it was unimaginable…it was unbelievable…or, so i thought…

anyways…

right away, when he got to camp, he had a major attitude–especially with anyone in authority–which revealed itself in an edgy tone and (sometimes) harsh language…i got the feeling that he had come through some hard knocks…given this, carl took up most of my time and energy that week…it began on sunday afternoon (that’s when the kids arrived–the typical week went from sunday – friday)…and each day his demeanor seemed to get progressively worse…no matter what we were doing–he opposed it, was non-compliant…and worse, tried to get the other guys in the cabin to follow his lead and join his rebellion against me…interestingly, he was quite charismatic and had a bit of charm–(his face reminded me of a young leonardo dicaprio–i didn’t care for the young dicaprio much either;)…so, he had some influence among the other guys…which doubled-down on the challenges for the week…

funny thing–this was summer camp…about as far as you can get from the responsibilities of work or school or home…so much of what we did every day was really fun…and it was that fact that made the whole week together so much more exhausting…in retrospect, carl’s behavior was a lot like that of my 2 year-old son…who says ‘no’ to just about everything i tell him to do…even if it’s the most fun thing in the world…that’s exactly what carl said to me…’no, no, no, no, no’…for 16 waking hours a day for an entire week…

by mid-week, the rest of the staff knew what i was up against…there were a couple of instances when the program director (kt) met with him and he received consequences for his behaviors…but, he was undeterred…he kept coming…

and all i could think about was friday…when the week would be over…for me, it couldn’t come soon enough…

over the course of the week, my fellow counselors supported me the best they could and i tried to keep a positive attitude…and hang in there with him…but my resolve was fading…

he seemed unreachable…

then, thursday night arrived…

we came to the final evening worship of the week…the one that usually carries a little more weight, because it’s the last one of the week and the kids will leave the next morning…and go back home…

honestly, i don’t remember worship being anything special that night…that doesn’t necessarily mean that it was lacking in any major way–more likely, it was because i was lacking…i was fried-stick a fork in me, i’m done! 

so, worship came and went…and we were dismissed to our cabins…

as i was herding my group towards the trail that led to our cabin, i realized that carl was not with us…so, i looked back to the fire ring where we had been seated for worship…and i could see him in the firelight, sitting there, like a statue…my first thoughts were, what now?! are you serious?!  so, you’re gonna take it to the limit?!

quickly, i caught the attention of one of my fellow counselors (one who was on support staff and didn’t have a cabin that week–all of the counseling staff had to serve a rotation on support staff…where they would help with cleaning dishes, maintenance, meals, leading random games and activities, preparing campfires, etc) and asked him to take my guys back to our cabin…

i watched my guys head back up the trail for a moment, then i turned back to the fire ring…i took a deep breath and walked back to where carl was sitting…and sat down right next to him…

i asked him…

so, what’s going on?

there was a moment of silence…then, i heard him…

carl started crying…it was the full-on, shoulder-shaking kind…

so, i sat there…waiting…

after a while, he said…

i’m so sorry, i’m so sorry for the way i’ve been acting–for the way i treated you…all week…

[i couldn’t believe what i was hearing, i was floored]

after a moment, i said…

it’s alright, don’t worry about it…

we talked for a little while longer…and he gathered himself together…after a while, we headed back to the cabin…the next day, it was like he was a whole new kid…no attitude…we were good…except for the fact that i was in complete and total shock at what had happened…

later that morning…his ride came, we said ‘our goodbyes’ and he headed home…

i thought that was the end of the story…but, it wasn’t…

…

one year later…

i was walking through camp (i went back again, in the summer of 1996, for tour #2) when i heard someone call out my name…

hey, dett!

[since there was another dave working at camp they called me ‘dett’–short for my last name: dettmann]

in response, i turned around and was surprised to see a face i would never forget–it was carl…so, i spoke up in earnest…

hey, carl, how’s it going?!

we talked for several minutes, he was enthusiastic and positive…then, he said…

good to see you, dett…hey, i’ve got to go…got to get back to my campers…

i was confused by what he said, so i asked…

campers?! 

he responded with a smile and said…

yeah, i’m one of the counselors for my church group that’s up here this weekend…look, i gotta get back (some churches utilized the camp for their own programs at times during the summer-usually when we were running a smaller camp on-site–as was the case this weekend)…

immediately, he took off after his campers…and i stood there in the middle of the trail, dumbstruck…

to this day, i am still struck by what happened all those years ago…by the realization that while we can do great things in the world…sometimes, what happens is beyond anything we can do ourselves…or, beyond any special talent or skill we might have…sometimes, what happens is truly extraordinary…

so, in closing, i would like to share this poem with you…forwarded to me by my friend/pastor katie sanders…i think it comes the closest to capturing what this experience means to me…

a future not our own

[by ken untener]

it helps now and then to step back and take a long view.
the Kingdom is not only beyond our efforts,
it is beyond our vision.

we accomplish in our lifetime only a fraction
of the magnificent enterprise that is God’s work.
nothing we do is complete, which is another way of
saying that the Kingdom always lies beyond us.
no statement says all that could be said.
no prayer fully expresses our faith. no confession
brings perfection, no pastoral visit brings wholeness.
no program accomplishes the church’s mission.
no set of goals and objectives include everything.

this is what we are about. we plant the seeds that one
day will grow. we water the seeds already planted
knowing that they hold future promise.
we lay foundations that will need further development.
we provide yeast that produces effects
far beyond our capabilities.

we cannot do everything, and there is a sense of
liberation in realizing this.
this enables us to do something, and to do it very well.
it may be incomplete, but it is a beginning,
a step along the way, an opportunity for the Lord’s
grace to enter and do the rest.
we may never see the end results, but that is the
difference between the master builder and the worker.

we are workers, not master builders, ministers, not
messiahs.

we are prophets of a future not our own.

kt

July 10, 2014 By in observations Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

i’ve had the opportunity to work with a lot of different kinds of people throughout my career herding cats…some good and some bad–but, my good friend, kt, was…hands down…one of the best youth workers i ever worked with…kt is short for katie (christensen)…

we connected at luther heights bible camp in the summer of 1995 and worked closely together for four summers there…at the time, she was the camp program director (the position directly under the camp pastor–who you all know now as big e)…some of my best memories from camp surround the times when big e, kt and i worked together during those days…especially so, in the springs/summers of 1997 and 1998 when kt and i had the chance to work closely with big e in 1) preparing/planning for the upcoming summer programs and 2) sharing responsibility for some key parts of staff training (during this time new/returning staff members would participate in a 2-week training…where they were schooled in the fine art of camp counseling…

reflecting back, i think that the time was so special was because we were all on the same page–we all had similar passions, work styles/ethics, faith perspectives…and importantly…we all had the same philosophy and approach about working with kids…what it meant for us…and ultimately, what it could mean for campers for the summer and beyond…

one year, before staff training began, we actually wrote down our philosophy about working with kids–it was something that we also passed on to the counseling staff during training and something we tried to live out during the summers…it’s even something that i think about in my work with kids today…

here’s what we put down on paper:

camp counselor philosophy and focus

1 – put the KIDS first

  • keep it safe (physically, emotionally, and spiritually) , keep it fun (kids will be bored sometimes and that’s o.k.–but, do what you can to keep a positive attitude–for you and for the kids you work with), and don’t forget God (there’s something more going on here than just what you’re doing)

[safe, fun, and God were dubbed the big three]

2 – be a POSITIVE role model

  • lead by example–children/youth remember more of what you do and less of what you say
  • play the ‘put up game’ vs. the put down game (westering, 1990)–affirm, appreciate, compliment and encourage their legitimate achievements and victories…do not give empty praise…

i know that kt still uses this philosophy and focus in her work with youth and families as a congregational minister today–more importantly, it is something that emanates from her…if you’re around her, you can’t help but feel it–her enthusiasm, her commitment, her faith, her love for youth and families…it is unstoppable and contagious…because it’s the real thing…let me put it this way, she has been doing this kind of work in churches for nearly 20 years–and she’s still fired-up about it–that’s not something you see every day!

so, if you’re a parent or teenager or child…and you’re looking for a high quality church youth and family program…and you happen to live up near Alexandria, MN…you should check out the church she just started working at (calvary lutheran) as the director of congregational ministry for youth and families…introduce yourself and have your kids meet her…you’ll see what i’m talking about…furthermore, if you’re a wannabe youth worker…it would do you well to intern with her there, to walk alongside her for a while…she will school you…and you’ll be better for it…

because when it comes to church youth workers…she’s the best of the best…

cheers, my friend!

(go out) where the wild things are

July 8, 2014 By in herding (my own) cats Tags: , , , , , , Leave a comment

my wife and i have a lot of love for the outdoors–let me give you an idea about the scope of this love…my wife is the adventurous sort and spent a significant amount of time hiking, camping, canoeing–and even tracking wolves (true story) in the wilderness…she is a tough one…and i spent TEN summers (count ’em) working at outdoor summer camps…both of us camped with our families in our youth…given this, it’s not surprising that we hoped to pass on ‘the love’ to our two little ones when the time was right…well, that ‘right time’ happened this past fourth of july weekend…when we decided to bring our 2-1/2 year-old twins ‘camping’ with us (for the first time)…

i realize that some of you might ask the questions, why, on God’s green earth would you do that?! are you completely nuts?!  we had the same thoughts, believe me, as we prepared for this adventure…anyways, camping is in quotes above because we drove up to my wife’s uncle’s cabin and set up our tent outside…we deemed this…Level 2…Level 1 was the time (a few days before the overnight experience) when we set up the tent in the backyard and had the kids play around in it (as we talked about the upcoming trip)…see photos from both levels below…

Level 1- Backyard

Level 1 – in the backyard

Level 2 - Jack and Daddy (near family cabin)

Level 2 – tenting near the family cabin

 

though we had my wife’s family and a few other comforts nearby, it was still a sufficient new challenge for our family…with the new family sized tent and other gear (much more than we were used to when we camped as ‘singles’ or ‘married’s without children’–the stuff that accumulates when you have kids, in general, is out of control–every new parent has asked themselves, how did this happen to me?!…camping is no different)…while it was some work, it was a helluva-lot of fun, too (and it was just one night, we’re not trying to be heroes here;)…all in all, it was really great to see how excited the kids were about playing in the lake, hiking, picking up sticks, reading books, playing games, hanging out by the campfire & cooking up some s’mores, and sleeping outside in the tent (notice i didn’t mention anything about tv, movies, or hand-held digital devices–they were excited about nature, people!!!)…it was like doing it for the first time (again)!

since this first trip was so promising…we planned another overnight at a local campsite (on our own)…what we’re calling Level 3…later this summer…i’ll let you know how it goes and if we continue to go out—where the wild things are…

proposition: take your kids camping with you…seeing your love for nature will inspire theirs…

i realize that not all parents like camping…that’s o.k….if i relied completely on myself to teach jack and grace everything they needed to know about life–they would be SOL…heh, heh…and the longer i work with the kids the more i realize that it does, in fact, take a village to bring them up well in our world today…the good thing is…like us, most people have a core group of amazing ‘stand-in’ or ‘shadow’ or ‘mirror’ or ‘mimic’ parents in their lives; known entities who they can rely on in all kinds of situations (the folks at boys town in omaha, nebraska call these people ‘assistant family teachers’–and i like that)…and there’s probably a few of these people who like to camp…they might be grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and/or family friends (adults who are positive, responsible, and trustworthy)–so, try to connect your children with them…see if they might be willing to bring your children camping with them the next time they go…if that’s not an option, there are 100’s of quality camps to send kids to across the country (many of these camps have scholarships for kids, if financing is an issue)…

footnote: camping can be a “really affordable good time” for your family…sure, like anything, you can spend huge amounts of cash on the provisions–there are countless specialized stores and outfitters who would love for you to do so;)…but, you can also do it “on the cheap”…by either borrowing equipment from friends and family…or, laying down an initial expense for some key/quality items–a tent, sleeping bags/mats and cooking gear, etc–after that, you’re good to go, but for some minor up-grades/additions throughout your life course–it’s an investment worth making, i think…and the sites at state and national parks are very reasonable (compared to the costs of resorts or amusement parks)…

 

 

call of the wild

July 6, 2014 By in observations Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

“direct experience in nature is the most important aspect of the camp experience.”-richard louv (author who coined the term nature-deficit disorder)

one of the greatest rewards of working at summer camps is the amount of time you spend outside…while this is especially true for the summer camp staff, it is also true for the young people in our society, too–the ones we call campers…who spend just a week there…

whether the focus is sports, music, art, horses, academics, service, or faith…summer outdoor camps can be so very important for our young people…young people who are most often plugged-in to some kind of device, like one of the characters from the matrix, for the majority of their days and nights [the matrix – a computer-generated dream world built to keep us under control in order to change a human being into a battery]…so plugged-in that they sometimes forget or lose touch with what is real…so plugged-in that their world has been reduced to an alternate-reality-bubble of snap-chats, instant messages, texts, emails, posts, tweets, sound-bytes, and video-games…being plugged-in to nature raises the bar on any kind of synthetic or contrived distraction, attraction, or entertaining feature of the digital world…it is a healthy, stimulating, unpredictable, and important alternative to the tech-stuff our youth are so closely attached to today…

“the postmodern notion that reality is only a construct–that we are what we program–suggests limitless human possibilities; but as the young spend less and less of their lives in natural surroundings, their senses narrow, physiologically and psychologically, and this reduces the richness of human experience…reducing that deficit–healing the broken bond between our young and nature–is in our self-interest, not only because aesthetics or justice demands it, but also because our mental, physical, and spiritual health depends upon it” (louv, 2008)…

proposition: when you hear the call of the wild…listen to it and herd dem cats—outside–you might like it, too;)

recommended reading: last child in the woods: saving our children from nature-deficit disorder, richard louv, 2008.

tradecraft…the “ten attitude” part II

July 2, 2014 By in tradecraft Tags: , , , , , , , Leave a comment

in the weeks before summer comes, i get that old feeling again…

wouldn’t it be great to work at camp again?!

it’s a thought that bursts into my head every single time, as i drive out to work, during the ‘pre-summer days’…because the road i take to work goes west and west is where camp is…in the sawtooth wilderness of idaho (one of the most beautiful outdoor areas in the united states)…and when i’m ‘aimed in that direction’ i think, i could just drive a little further, a few more miles–out to camp…then, i remember that i have a wife and twins…

🙂

the camp i’m talking about is luther heights bible camp…and i worked there for six summers (to the chagrin of my parents:)…i remember my thoughts going into my first summer there…i’ll just work here for one summer–yeah, right…

in my summers there, i worked as a counselor, travel staff director (for day camps), and finally as an assistant program director…and–in addition to working at skyhawk’s sports academy (summer soccer camps), my time at luther heights was instrumental for me…in developing my skills and abilities herding cats…

this was especially true when we had kids attend our on-site programs…where we would be with them for 24 hours a day/six days a week…during these intense on-site weeks, it was impossible not to learn a lot about talking to, relating to, and engaging with kids (from the elementary level to high school kids)…

the days would include a morning/evening worship, games, crafts, bible study, nature activities, singing, skits, campfires, storytelling, hikes, challenge course activities, etc…

during these summers, i had the pleasure of working with such amazing and fun people…living and working in community together…kt, adam, chris & chris, e.j., beth, kari, kate h., hilary, nathan, matt, mary, debbie, nat, megan, holly, aaron, mark, jp, eric, jeff, jordan, brian, steve, heather, jon, maren, chelsea, laura, carol, and–of course–big e [see post titled, big e]

working at luther heights doubled-down on the importance of the ten attitude…i realized pretty quickly that my attitude could make or break the week, it was a counselor’s most important tool–especially, during those weeks when the kids didn’t go home at the end of the day…

because…

why should the kids care about what we’re doing, if we don’t?!

this father’s day…verse 2

June 21, 2014 By in herding (my own) cats Tags: , , , , , Leave a comment

i was thinking that…

despite being a teacher and making a lengthy career out of herding kids…i often wondered if i was cut out for the job of being a dad…when i looked around i saw great dads all over…my brother-in-law, todd, was/is one of those guys–born for it, you know…but, that wasn’t me…i mean, i used to seriously detest and dislike babies, infants and toddlers…friends would bring them around and i would think to myself what’s with the baby – again?! —can’t you just leave that critter behind?! (please accept my late apologies on these feelings, dear friends;)…or we’d be talking and their infant would sound off with a shriek, a verbal-burst, or a crying fit…and i would secretly get annoyed with the little one and think, come on, can’t you see your mom and i are trying talk here?!…peeing, pooping, & crying…what’s all the hype about??? …but, having my own children (our twins) has changed things, and the way i think about babies and other little critters…it’s as if an inner well has been discovered within me and a secret human switch has been tripped deep inside my core…allowing me to release love and care and crazy baby-talk sounds – that make me sound like i’m on ‘some really potent stimulants’– to fully engage with them…

and while i am often run-ragged and worked over–completely–by these two little ones…i’ve also realized how blessed i am to have them in my life! cheers!

[though i originally posted this reflection on another site (nearly 2 years ago), i thought it warranted a ‘re-posting’ here]

this father’s day…verse 1

June 16, 2014 By in measure of a man, observations, thank you notes Tags: , , Leave a comment

i was thinking that…

fathers and sons don’t say i love you all that often…

i can count on one hand the number of times i’ve told my dad i love him…i’m 42 years-old, people…that should give you an idea about the scope of this kind of thing…

but, just because we don’t say it all that often…or as often as women and mothers do…it doesn’t mean that we don’t have that kind of love for each other…

when i was growing up, my dad was the provider and protector for our family–in the traditional sense–with my mom at home with us most of the time, taking the lead in the child rearing…my dad was there for us (my sister and i)…but just in a different way…

among men…love is most certainly revealed in the act of doing something together…and so it was with me and my dad…whether we were kicking a soccer ball, going to a movie, watching a sporting event, completing a household project, taking a road trip, or having a catch…or even, just sitting side by side—saying nothing…

it was in those little every day interactions and activities together that i knew my dad loved me…

so, thank you, dad…for being there, for doing stuff with me (and chris)…

and though it’s understood, though it’s known…let me tell you, let me say it ‘out loud’ (nearly)…

i love you, i always have…

 

 

a joke…for the last day of school

June 5, 2014 By in teaching and coaching Tags: , , Leave a comment

q: do you know what the three best things about teaching are?

a: june, july, and august…

🙂

[author – unknown]

tradecraft…your voice (part VII)

June 2, 2014 By in teaching and coaching, tradecraft Tags: , , , , 1 Comment

“if at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.” ― steven wright

i love the above quote from steven wright…it is something that we can all relate to because no one likes to talk about failure or have their failures known…including me…but, that’s what this post is about…a time when i messed it up…

here’s the story…

a few weeks ago, a kid came into class–we’ll call him ‘jacob’–running his mouth, like he was known to do…this time, jacob was ‘going off’ about how he hated the school resource officer and how the ‘school cop’ was always on his case…his tone set me on edge from the get go…and it went downhill from there…

every year, there is one kid who can push your buttons like no other, really get under your skin, you know…it can get to the point that every time you hear the sound of their voice (regardless of the words) it feels like someone’s pulled out a tattoo needle and started digging in, started working over your nerves like nobody’s business…imagine that kind of thing happening nearly every day for nine months…then you’ll have an idea of what it’s been like, this year, with jacob…

and it’s the kind of thing that can drive even the most seasoned teacher to the brink…could also be one of the reasons why nearly half (46%) of all new teachers in america leave after the first five years (dr. david walsh (lecture), 2014; ‘american teacher’ documentary, 2011; national education association publication, 2008)…that fact alone should be enough to raise alarm bells across the country and is probably an issue worth returning to in a later post [note to self]…

anyways…

class was moving along and we working on an interactive observation activity…students were moving around the room and working with other students to complete their tasks…jacob wasn’t working, in fact, he was standing near some other boys and they began arguing over which branch of service was the best, and it was getting heated…i told them to ‘take it easy’ and focus on their tasks (it was the second or third time that i had to redirect these gentlemen during this block), but it didn’t slow down or stop their debate…they continued on and it got more personal…to the point where other students were beginning to be affected by what they were saying…

it was disrespectful, they way they were talking to each other…and disruptive…especially, the remarks that jacob was making…

and, i was done…

so, i launched out of my desk chair and came around my desk with a full head of steam and shouted:

enough! that’s enough!  jacob, just sit down and shut up!

immediately, i realized what i had said…it was like i could see the words floating over the desks in the classroom…like a bubble hovering over a cartoon character in the sunday comics…in that instant, i wished i hadn’t said those two words… “shut up”…

but, i couldn’t take it back…it was too late…

in that moment, the room went completely quiet…but, not the good kind of quiet…if you work around people (as a profession) you know exactly what i’m talking about…it was a quiet that resulted from a slap in the face, a cheap shot…

we finished off the class and i finished off the rest of my day, then headed home for the weekend…

the next day, my wife, kids, and i went out to breakfast with our friend joy…

during breakfast, i shared the story i just shared with you…after i was done…joy said, these things can happen, you know?

there was a bit of a pause in the conversation…

[you should know that joy’s a teacher…she’s been doing it a long time (longer than my wife and i) & she’s really good at it]

the next thing joy asked was…

joy: when did it happen?

me: on friday…

there was another pause…then, joy looked at me and said…

joy: it’s not too late, you can still apologize…

i guess it was my turn to get slapped in the face…because that’s exactly what it felt like when she said that to me…at the time, i said something like, yeah, ok…but, deep down i was pissed…thinking…

the hell you say, joy?! apologize?! you’ve got some nerve saying that to me, this kid needed ‘a talking to’!

[you can see that i was continuing the same mature attitude and mindset that i had demonstrated the day before…heh, heh]

anyways, i thought a lot about what she had said…and it went around in my head for about 48 hours…i thought about what i had said and done, i thought about my actions in the classroom that day…akin to looking into a good mirror…a kind of mirror that can show you the truth…reflect back the good, bad, and ugly things about yourself..and in this case, it was a painful process…

i thought about it right up until the time that jacob and his class were to arrive for monday’s lessons…

so, they came in and we went through a regular class…it was all routine–no issues or problems…at the end of class, i dismissed everyone…everyone but jacob…who i called up to my desk…

here’s what happened…

me: hey, i wanted to talk to you about friday and what went on…

jacob: o.k….

[i breathed in]

me: i wanted to apologize for what i said, for how i acted…

jacob: hey, d., it’s no problem, it’s all good, man…

me: no, it’s not o.k….it wasn’t o.k. for me to talk to you like that, it was disrespectful…telling you to ‘shut up’…you know, it’s not something i usually say, i broke one of my own rules there…and, i’m sorry… 

jacob: no worries, d., we’re good…but, i really appreciate you saying that anyways…

then, he left the room…

in the silence of the room, i knew that joy had been right…that i needed to do something that i didn’t want to…even though it was the right thing to do, even though i knew i was the one who made the mistake–in how i responded to him, in how i used my voice…because despite that saying we all learned long ago: sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me…we found out, pretty early on in life, that that saying is bullshit…words can hurt, words can cut deep…and saying the words ‘shut-up’, like i did, may not seem like an offense to some…but, i knew it was just that–it was a violation of a rule i have for myself, as a professional educator–a rule i have for myself as one who ‘herds cats’ professionally (especially since a good portion of the kids we work with are ‘talked to’ like that at home)…and like i told jacob, i broke it…and because of that, i knew i had to apologize…

so, with that…how have you used your voice?  how will you use your voice in the future?

important questions to ask, because in this line of work–herding cats…your voice can be a force for good or for ill…

[interestingly, the next day, when jacob and his class returned again…the air was a lot lighter…the edges had been softened…and jacob regarded me a bit better than he had in the past, more positively, i could feel the difference…]

“success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”                                                                                       ― winston churchill