q: do you know what the three best things about teaching are?
a: june, july, and august…
🙂
[author – unknown]
tradecraft…your voice (part VII)
“if at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.” ― steven wright
i love the above quote from steven wright…it is something that we can all relate to because no one likes to talk about failure or have their failures known…including me…but, that’s what this post is about…a time when i messed it up…
here’s the story…
a few weeks ago, a kid came into class–we’ll call him ‘jacob’–running his mouth, like he was known to do…this time, jacob was ‘going off’ about how he hated the school resource officer and how the ‘school cop’ was always on his case…his tone set me on edge from the get go…and it went downhill from there…
every year, there is one kid who can push your buttons like no other, really get under your skin, you know…it can get to the point that every time you hear the sound of their voice (regardless of the words) it feels like someone’s pulled out a tattoo needle and started digging in, started working over your nerves like nobody’s business…imagine that kind of thing happening nearly every day for nine months…then you’ll have an idea of what it’s been like, this year, with jacob…
and it’s the kind of thing that can drive even the most seasoned teacher to the brink…could also be one of the reasons why nearly half (46%) of all new teachers in america leave after the first five years (dr. david walsh (lecture), 2014; ‘american teacher’ documentary, 2011; national education association publication, 2008)…that fact alone should be enough to raise alarm bells across the country and is probably an issue worth returning to in a later post [note to self]…
anyways…
class was moving along and we working on an interactive observation activity…students were moving around the room and working with other students to complete their tasks…jacob wasn’t working, in fact, he was standing near some other boys and they began arguing over which branch of service was the best, and it was getting heated…i told them to ‘take it easy’ and focus on their tasks (it was the second or third time that i had to redirect these gentlemen during this block), but it didn’t slow down or stop their debate…they continued on and it got more personal…to the point where other students were beginning to be affected by what they were saying…
it was disrespectful, they way they were talking to each other…and disruptive…especially, the remarks that jacob was making…
and, i was done…
so, i launched out of my desk chair and came around my desk with a full head of steam and shouted:
enough! that’s enough! jacob, just sit down and shut up!
immediately, i realized what i had said…it was like i could see the words floating over the desks in the classroom…like a bubble hovering over a cartoon character in the sunday comics…in that instant, i wished i hadn’t said those two words… “shut up”…
but, i couldn’t take it back…it was too late…
in that moment, the room went completely quiet…but, not the good kind of quiet…if you work around people (as a profession) you know exactly what i’m talking about…it was a quiet that resulted from a slap in the face, a cheap shot…
we finished off the class and i finished off the rest of my day, then headed home for the weekend…
the next day, my wife, kids, and i went out to breakfast with our friend joy…
during breakfast, i shared the story i just shared with you…after i was done…joy said, these things can happen, you know?
there was a bit of a pause in the conversation…
[you should know that joy’s a teacher…she’s been doing it a long time (longer than my wife and i) & she’s really good at it]
the next thing joy asked was…
joy: when did it happen?
me: on friday…
there was another pause…then, joy looked at me and said…
joy: it’s not too late, you can still apologize…
i guess it was my turn to get slapped in the face…because that’s exactly what it felt like when she said that to me…at the time, i said something like, yeah, ok…but, deep down i was pissed…thinking…
the hell you say, joy?! apologize?! you’ve got some nerve saying that to me, this kid needed ‘a talking to’!
[you can see that i was continuing the same mature attitude and mindset that i had demonstrated the day before…heh, heh]
anyways, i thought a lot about what she had said…and it went around in my head for about 48 hours…i thought about what i had said and done, i thought about my actions in the classroom that day…akin to looking into a good mirror…a kind of mirror that can show you the truth…reflect back the good, bad, and ugly things about yourself..and in this case, it was a painful process…
i thought about it right up until the time that jacob and his class were to arrive for monday’s lessons…
so, they came in and we went through a regular class…it was all routine–no issues or problems…at the end of class, i dismissed everyone…everyone but jacob…who i called up to my desk…
here’s what happened…
me: hey, i wanted to talk to you about friday and what went on…
jacob: o.k….
[i breathed in]
me: i wanted to apologize for what i said, for how i acted…
jacob: hey, d., it’s no problem, it’s all good, man…
me: no, it’s not o.k….it wasn’t o.k. for me to talk to you like that, it was disrespectful…telling you to ‘shut up’…you know, it’s not something i usually say, i broke one of my own rules there…and, i’m sorry…
jacob: no worries, d., we’re good…but, i really appreciate you saying that anyways…
then, he left the room…
in the silence of the room, i knew that joy had been right…that i needed to do something that i didn’t want to…even though it was the right thing to do, even though i knew i was the one who made the mistake–in how i responded to him, in how i used my voice…because despite that saying we all learned long ago: sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me…we found out, pretty early on in life, that that saying is bullshit…words can hurt, words can cut deep…and saying the words ‘shut-up’, like i did, may not seem like an offense to some…but, i knew it was just that–it was a violation of a rule i have for myself, as a professional educator–a rule i have for myself as one who ‘herds cats’ professionally (especially since a good portion of the kids we work with are ‘talked to’ like that at home)…and like i told jacob, i broke it…and because of that, i knew i had to apologize…
so, with that…how have you used your voice? how will you use your voice in the future?
important questions to ask, because in this line of work–herding cats…your voice can be a force for good or for ill…
[interestingly, the next day, when jacob and his class returned again…the air was a lot lighter…the edges had been softened…and jacob regarded me a bit better than he had in the past, more positively, i could feel the difference…]
“success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” ― winston churchill
tradecraft…your voice (part VI)
i spent three years working in youth ministry (christian setting)…
well, what does that mean?
it means that you work in a youth program at a local church…planning and organizing activities, events, community service projects and opportunities for spiritual growth and development–for elementary, middle school, and high school youth–basically, you try to connect to children and youth in a church setting…
it can be a great job because of the relationships that can develop with youth and families in the church community…you can connect with individuals and families at a level that is just not possible in some settings and that is an amazing thing…but it can also be a challenging job…because most parents and families have really high expectations about what they think you should be doing for their kids (this is especially true in churches with large youth programs)…and it’s been my experience that, while a parent might be hesitant to approach a pastor with a complaint or criticism, they don’t have the same restraint when it comes to you (the youth director) and they’re very likely to let you know what they think of you and your work (sometimes, in some of the most un-christian ways you can imagine–where is the love?!)…i’ve worked in prisons and in churches and the same ‘rule of thumb’ applies to both settings — watch your back...i am certain that there is a sociological dissertation waiting to be written on “life behind the scenes at a local church”…
anyways, we’re movin’ on…
one summer, we (the senior high youth director and i–i was the junior high leader) took a group of 40 high school students and 12 adults to new york city for a week (our church was based in omaha, nebraska)…the week was primarily focused on community service projects…there were also some recreational activities mixed-in during the afternoons and evenings…for fun, we went to central park, times square, the today show, battery park, chinatown, and the statue of liberty…and we also went to ground zero (not for fun, but just to see it…the location where one of the 9/11 attacks happened–it was the kind of thing that knocks you on your ass when you see it, i’ll never forget it)…anyways, our service-partner organization in new york city was called ysop (ysop = youth service opportunities project)…so, while we were in new york city, we stayed at a hostel and each day ysop would send us out in small groups (by way of mass transit) to a different work project in a different borough (the bronx, queens, brooklyn, etc) in new york [their main focus is to send out volunteers to work with the homeless and the hungry–which is what we did!]
quick note: i’ve participated in a lot of service experiences in my life…and this one was, by far, one of the best mission trips i’ve ever been on…ysop runs a highly organized, efficient, and ‘legit’ operation…i would recommend their organization to anyone wanting to bring young people to serve in new york city while fully experiencing the realities of the boroughs…check ysop out at: http://www.ysop.org/
[i know…there’s a lot of background to this story…but, we’re getting there...to ‘the voice’ part, i promise…hang tough;)]
so, it was wednesday…mid-week in our experience…we had been working hard and playing hard (seeing a lot of sites), and it had been an especially hot and humid week in the city…it was the moment, during these kind of trips, when little ‘flare ups’ start to occur between ‘kids and kids’, ‘kids and adults’, & ‘adults and adults’–it is bound to happen…in this particular case, we were all en route to public transportation (making our way from the hostel to the ysop office) and one of the kids (named aron) in the youth group asked the senior high youth director if she would alter the plan slightly for the evening so we could stay out later in the city…walking en masse, like this, we were quite the sight (moments like these made me feel bad for nyc:) …anyways, aron and the senior high youth director were at the back of the pack and i was at the middle, with some other kids and adults up in front of the herd…as aron and my colleague were talking, the conversation became more and more ‘heated’ (i heard most everything that was said; i think this is due to my bionic ears…but seriously, the tubes i got when i was a kid did something spectacular…could it be that my military doctor who implanted the tubes in my ears was a part of a covert government program to engineer super soldiers?! we can rebuild you…🙂
basically, aron was asking to alter the plan for the group and my partner said, “no–not happening”…it came out very sharp and i cringed a bit when i heard the tone of her response…in her defense, she was as hot, tired and impatient as everyone else in the group…aron was agitated, too (at his limit)…normally, a great kid–positive, smart and not easily disgruntled…but, in this case, he wouldn’t let it go and huffed up towards the middle of the pack…mumbling his distaste about the decision to some of his peers…
after a few minutes…he must have caught sight of me walking nearby because he was suddenly at my side…and i could see a little bit of fire in his eyes…it was something i had seen before…it was the kind of look you see in a kid when they’re going to openly challenge you, to push your limits…
then, he spoke…
aron: can i ask you something?
me: sure.
aron: what would you do if we all took off running in different directions right now?
[at that moment, i stopped walking…then, he stopped walking…and there was a “pause”…warning bells went off in my head…and then, the little voice in my head said, it’s a trap…don’t take the bait…]
me: well…i’d probably head down to times square and enjoy my free time…
[i held my serious face for as long as i could…which wasn’t long…then, i busted out laughing…he did too…]
after a minute, he spoke again…
aron: that’s probably the best thing i’ve heard this morning…awesome…
then, he sped up to some friends near the front of the pack…
he didn’t take off, neither did any of the other kids…but, it wasn’t really about ‘making a run for it’…he was just testing me… he was looking for a fight, he was looking for a confrontation (with me, the only other ‘official staff member’ on the trip)…in this case, he was looking for a fast ball and i threw him a curve…it helped that i had heard the earlier exchange and some of his grumblings–so, i had a bit of a head start on how to respond to him…what to say and how to say it…to defuse and disarm him...how to use my voice in that way...
it’s something you can learn to do, too… it’s a skill you can develop…
in time…
mother’s day…part II
when we were growing up, one of the things that i always loved about my mom was how welcoming she was…to my friends (and my sister’s, too)…my mom had (and still has)…
the gift of hospitality…
she says she’s 1/2 croatian, 1/2 ukrainian (white russian version)…but, i believe, to this day…that she’s got some mexican blood in her…there is something innate, something at her core…that rises to the top, when she’s in her element at home…something that reveals itself as the mi casa, su casa way of life…
this was evident throughout our childhood when friends would come over and hang out and have a meal…
there were countless times when my college roommates [magne (& kristine), einar (& kjersti), and tom…besides kristine, all of these friends are native norwegians–born and bred, baby! they lived and studied in the u.s. for their college careers and we had some great times together] would stop by on a weekend or holiday back from college…and she would make up an amazing meal (more food than you could imagine) …stuffed, we would lounge around, talk, play games and laugh together (except einar, who could always be found sleeping in the recliner)…
another time that sticks out in my mind is when we had a surprise night visitor…it happened on one particular christmas eve…
well, it was well past midnight and we were all asleep…when there was a knock at the door…it was phuoc (we called him ‘foo’)…[he was a friend from high school, but since then, we had both been to college and were now living in the same town of olympia, washington]…my mom and my sister found him some bedding and a place to sleep…and i greeted him in the morning…and we ‘just had christmas together’…it wasn’t planned, it wasn’t announced, it wasn’t even on an invitation–but, my mom took him in…
thinking back, i know he didn’t have anywhere else to go…so, he came to our house…he knew he would be welcome there…
hospitality was/is her love language...no doubt…this was especially important for us since we were a military family and moved around a lot…it was a really crucial thing for us to have growing up…because back then, we knew that wherever we went…our friends would always be welcome at our house…
so, thank you, mom…for that loving and welcoming spirit! it is something that we hope to cultivate in our own home…as our children grow up…
happy mother’s day!
love. dave.
mother’s day…part I
this post goes out to my wife–the mother of my children…
the fact of the matter is…that some women are born to be moms (regardless of their status/standing in the world, marital status, or biological factors and realities)…it is a trait they possess…it is something innate…it is something that you know ‘when you see it’…
my wife is one of those women…
one of the things that i love to watch…other than the mummy’s day celebration on amc (‘mummy movies’ marathon)...is…the way that she loves our children…jack and grace…it’s not half-way, three-quarters, or even 99.9%…it is a complete and total immersion…100%!!! this is not just ‘every other day’, or when ‘she feels like it’…but, she is there, she is present…every day…and they know it!!! this is significant because she also works full-time, as a middle school teacher (7th grade science)…try doing that, then coming home and lovin’ your kids like she does, people!
amazing…
so, here’s to you, babe! i love you, i admire you (bigtime)…and i wouldn’t want to herd (our own) cats with anyone else!
happy mother’s day!!!
love, me
school prayer
as an american public high school teacher, i pray a lot…
i pray that i will be patient, i pray that i will be kind — to every student (and yes, i have to pray this prayer!), i pray that my students will hear me and understand what i’m talking about, i pray that my students will ‘make it’ and ‘survive their situations’…and occasionally, i pray that my day will end — sometimes, it goes like this…
dear Lord,
please let it stop…please, oh please, let this day end–right fuckin’ now!
amen.
i prayed this prayer regularly last semester (out of earshot of the students), often times when i was in the process of crumbling to the floor in the fetal position…no lie (see ‘hard lessons’ post:)
days, like these…when i’ve uttered prayers out of sheer desparation…are usually followed by multiple traffic violations …as i speed, like a bat out of hell, towards the nearest bottle of jack daniel’s…and then, i pray again…but, this time, it’s one of joy, thanksgiving and praise…
dear Lord,
thank you, for this bottle of jack d…
here’s to you…
amen.
[Jesus and jack daniel’s always get me through…heh, heh]
anyways, i digress…
despite all this, i don’t believe in public, ‘out loud’, demonstrative prayer in our public schools…and it’s not because i believe that students couldn’t benefit from some kind of spiritual time during their day, they could–no doubt…
but, my questions fall along ecumenical lines…
what prayers shall we pray in school? what meditations shall we do? shall we do the christian ones? i mean, i am a christian — so, i pray that way…well, what does that way even mean for a christian? there are a thousand different types of christians out there and a thousand different types of christian prayers–there are even some christian prayers that might get you in some ‘hot water’ from other christians…i can hear their voices now…hey, that’s not the right kind of prayer to be praying in school, because it’s really not ‘christian-enough’, you know?
and hey, look, we haven’t even got to all the other great religions and faiths of the world…
at the end of the day, i guess i’m really glad that there are private schools out there, all kinds of ’em, that give people the option, the choice — to pray — if praying, intentionally & ‘out loud’, is something that they believe they should do in school…
peace be with you…
hot pursuit
i grew up in a lutheran family…we were church regulars (every sunday)…it was important for us, growing up…we would pray before dinner and at night before bed; we would talk about religion and faith (in addition to politics) at the dinner table…and my sister and i actively participated in “youth group” (monthly meetings for kids at church where we would do a variety of activities–some faith related and some not)…
but for me, when i was thirteen, the main reason why i got up and ready for church every sunday wasn’t for the love of Jesus–and it wasn’t to deepen my faith…
it was because i thought the pastor’s daughter was ‘hot’…
she was two years older than me and i had the biggest crush on her…so, every sunday…i really, really wanted to go to church–crazy, right?! i wanted to, though, because…i hoped to catch a glimpse of her…a glimpse of beth is all i wanted…and sometimes i did see her there…when i did, my heart would start to beat a little faster and i would see (and hear) blue birds flying around and chirping (the cartoon version)…everywhere…zippity do da day…
and, i tried to get close to her and talk to her–i wasn’t subtle…
i was thirteen…
my motivations, my intentions had to be blatantly clear to everyone… including beth…in fact, anyone who saw my face on those sunday mornings knew what i was feeling, knew that i was love struck…
to give you an idea of my mindset…let me take you to a prayer we used to recite at church (nearly) every sunday…the Apostle’s Creed…the opening line went like this…
I believe in God, the Father Almighty, Creator of Heaven and earth;
my version went like this…
I believe in God, the Father Almighty, Creator of Heaven and beth;
🙂
well, time went by…and beth and i became friends…nothing more, nothing less…it was an infatuation that came and went…though it took up a lot of my ‘mind time’ and focus at that point in my life…especially, on sundays…
years later, i realized that while i had been going to church…i really hadn’t ‘been there’ (fully)–at all…i had spent a lot of that time focused on the wrong things…not that relationships and romance aren’t great…they are…i am a hopeless romantic, after all…but, my heart and mind were always preoccupied…caught up in the ‘shiny object of a teenage crush’…
at the same time, i realized that as intensely as i was seeking out and pursuing beth…God was intensely seeking out and pursuing me…i was just too foolish to realize it then…still, God (through the Holy Spirit) was laying the foundation, working on me, whispering to me…and it stuck…a lot longer than what i had hoped for with beth…
but, it is a greater love, after all…
when i think back to that time, i think of an onion…and realize that, back then…when i was at church or contemplating my faith…i was just living on the surface…enamored with the ‘surface things’ of life; the superficial and material world around me…over time, i began to see the layers, see what i was missing out on…
and, go deeper…
and, eventually, turn to and embrace the God that had been pursuing me for years…
that doesn’t mean that my gaze hasn’t faltered or my faith hasn’t wavered since that realization…it has happened, periodically, througout my life course…when it has, i find myself on surface again…apart from what’s really important…distracted by other shiny objects that come along (whether it is something from within, like my anxiety and fears…or something outside of myself, like my career, household projects, sports, media and entertainment, or other material pleasures and possessions)…
thankfully, God’s gaze does not falter, God’s faith does not waver…
God does not give up the chase, He continues the pursuit…the desire to know and love me…and the world…
i know this because it’s in these moments when He calls me ‘to go deeper’, to come back home (sometimes with a whisper, sometimes with a shout) and return to His loving embrace…
and, somehow, some way…i make my way back…
[and now, as parents, becks and i are passing on our faith to our kids…slow and steady like…because we know what that relationship means to us; how important it is in our lives…how it has and continues to transform and change the way we see and love people…and we want that for jack and grace…so maybe, just maybe…as they get older…they’ll see what’s below the surface, see the layers, see what they might be missing out on…and, go deeper…into the loving arms of God…who is relentlessly pursuing them (and has been doing so, since the day they were born)…]
in the name of love…
ryan
so, ryan asked me…
hey, mr. d….would it be o.k. if i asked melanie (his girlfriend) to prom during your last hour?
i agreed…saying…
sure, what do you have in mind?
what he “had in mind” was this…
ryan showed up to my last class of the day…and i introduced him as a guest speaker that would be presenting on adolescents and alcohol…it fit with what we were doing…and right away, when he came in the door–melanie looked up, surprised…the look on her face said…what is he doing in class?! (i think it was the most attentive i’ve seen her all year;)
he went through his presentation (he had made up a power point that i ‘previewed’ earlier)…he talked about ‘the dangers of alcohol use for teenagers’ and ‘how we see increases in use around the time of prom’… then, he said…
given all these dangers…there’s just one question i have…melanie, will go to prom with me?
she got up, said “yes” and gave him a hug…the class erupted in applause… and, after what seemed like an eternity…i said, you can stop hugging now…
[thought i might have to call a code purple…’unauthorized public display of affection’ ;)]
i share this story not because of how it relates to prom…because depending on your perspective and/or your child’s high school experience, prom may or may not be a positive social ritual/tradition for your teenager…
but, i share this story for another reason…i share this story because of what ryan did, because of how he treated his girlfriend…because of his boldness (it takes courage to do that kind of thing in front of a group of students you don’t know)…
he put in work...he took the time to come up with a creative way to ask her to prom; he took the time to think about her…and, i think it was even more significant because she was his girlfriend…the look on her face was priceless, i could tell (at that moment) that he had succeeded in making her feel special…because of the love and respect he demonstrated…
i congratulated him later and said, ‘good work, young man’…
it’s important to hold up these stories, to celebrate these moments…
because there are a lot of guys out there who wouldn’t even think of doing something like that; there are a lot of guys out there who just expect things from girls…like they’re entitled to it…
but, they’re not…they need to put in work…show love and respect…like ryan did…
stick it…
instead of giving boys ‘joy sticks’ and other hand held controls to play video games with; we should give boys the opportunity to pick up and play with real sticks…
(it's like) herding cats... 