our twins recently turned two…and their behavior turned, too…
honestly, we’ve seen a lot of new, amazing, positive things happen in the months preceding the terrible two’s (which hit us at about 18 months–a time that dr. david walsh has identified as a specific and significant point in child development)…we witnessed them start to become more self-aware, use tools (like a fork and spoon), walk and run, put their boots on, learn how to be funny, play independently (sometimes), become more socially interactive, tell us when they pooped, and to speak and use a variety of new words…
of all the new words that they’ve learned…the ones that hold the title spot for my least favorite are:
“i don’t wanna” and “no”
these words can show up when they (legitimately) don’t wanna do something or say “no” to something they “don’t want”…but, they also show up often and in-between legitimatemoments…when they speak these words just because they can...like the following exchange, which happens about 100 times a day…
me: you’re telling me you don’t wanna cookie–come on?!
my son: no, i don’t!
me: you’re telling me you don’t want the best tasting, yummiest thing we’ve got in the house right now?!
my son: no, i don’t!
me: what the fuck?! (not ‘out loud’)
you can see why parents need on-going and quality therapy (and potentially, on-going and quality prescription drugs)…this kind of thing, dealing with these people (children)…can make you crazy!
i am starting to see that…they are saying these words because they’ve begun to develop an awareness of their unique self in the world…differentiated from my wife and i…and so, they are resisting and rebelling against what we are trying to get them to do…
these are the first moments our kids have intentionally and deliberately tried to ‘push limits’ and ‘test us’…to see where the boundaries are…to see if we’re up to the job…and while it’s not the-most-super-fun-time we’ve experienced, we’re doing our best to ‘stand strong’–be firm, be fair, and love them along the way…
the only people who love snow days more than students are teachers…
you feel like a kid yourself, when the call comes–school closed…giddy as can be, having the chance to be (legitimately) gone from work…but, this is getting ridiculous…by this i mean the state of things in minnesota, where we are now on our fourth “school closed day” of the year–due to the temperature being too cold…
during a normal winter in minnesota it can get so cold on some days that you feel as if you’ve been sucker punched in the gut (repeatedly) by old man winter…this winter, is a whole ‘nother level…
what makes this winter different? (you might ask)
well, if you can recall the ice planet of hoth from the empire strikes back, life during the reign of the white witch in narnia, or life north of the wall, a la game of thrones (the others included)…then, you’re getting close…
it is scary cold…
and no amount of turkish delight can remedy the situation…
so, i think i’ll saddle up a tauntaun and load up the family–in search of warmer climes…
i wasn’t formally trained as a high school teacher…
many of my friends and family were–and they have the degrees and licenses to back it up…i got my training from the school of life…working as a soccer coach, camp counselor, juvenile justice worker, church youth director, and community college instructor…my educational background is in sociology and criminal justice…
at the school where i’m a criminal justice instructor, i’m allowed to teach under a ‘community expert’ license…meaning, i can teach in a career and technical setting because i have work experience and education that is directly related to my subject area(and because there isn’t a minnesota state license for those who teach criminal justice at the high school level)
all of my past experiences working with kids come to bear in my current teaching role…my history impacts everything i do in the classroom–from my philosophy to my methods…
i approach every class like a chef might before making a great meal…you have to have just the right ingredients…this is a bit more challenging because we have students who want to misbehave and we have an insane daily schedule–as an example, block 1 may include three separate arrival times for students + two separate departure times…so, you have to be a bit creative, to say the least (see my schedule in the above menu bar for the full breakdown)
one of the things that i use to spice-it-up, or to change-up the classroom vibe is something i call a quiz song…basically, what happens is…i say something to the class like, this quiz is as hard as this song…so, to intimidate you…i will introduce you to this quiz without smiling or laughing, because you know me to be the most serious person you’ve ever met…then, i ‘press play’ and hold up the quizzes to the group (and try not to smile or laugh)…but, i always do…then, they laugh too…
this is the kind of thing that a colleague and i call edu-tainment…ridiculous? absolutely! does it keep kids engaged? absolutely!
sometimes when you’re getting schooled by a group of students and they’vegot you on the ropes, so to speak…you tend to get away from what makes you the teacher you are–you pull back and lose that spark…it’s during those moments…when you’re stuck, when hard times come…that you need to get your mind right, pressreset…go to thewell…and, find a way back, find a way to laugh…
so, press play…
quiz song catalog (jean jacket included): eye of the tiger (survivor), live wire, kickstart my heart, and dr. feelgood (motley crue), whiskey in the jar and enter sandman (metallica), you’ve got another thing comin’ (judas priest), crazy train (ozzy osbourne), in my dreams (dokken), thunder struck, money talks, and who made who (ac/dc), we’re not gonna take it (twisted sister), round and round (ratt), and symphony of destruction (megadeth)
when you are in the middle of a moment that is a bit tougher than what you expected (like the one i described in the post titled hard lessons) you tend to reflect, contemplate, and ponder…
now, how did i end up here? why did i decide to pursue this job?
it’s only natural…
for years…my sister (who’s a teacher as well) had been telling me, you should be a teacher…
so, after working with kids in a variety of settings (for years), i finally went to a career counselor (about 8 years ago)…the end result of the conversations and questionnaires was–you should be a teacher–it was my highest scoring category…i remember voicing aloud, if i could just teach criminal justice to high school students–i would like that…
about six months later, there was an ad in the paper...criminal justice instructor, career and technical high school program…so, i applied and interviewed…
and then, the call came…
they offered me the position! i still remember when/where that happened…i was driving (and yes, i took the call) and en route to my job as a youth work supervisor at a screen-printing shop (during one of the hottest summers in minnesota, ever!)…after a couple of minutes, i pulled to a parking lot alongside highway 100 and talked with the principal…i was excited…to do the job i wanted to do–they were going to pay me $40,000+ and provide health insurance!!! i thought i had hit the jackpot…heh, heh…that should tell you something about what i was getting paid in those other youth positions:)
since my past jobs often required day, swing, overnight, weekend and holiday shifts, i knew there was one more significant benefit–a good amount of time off to spend with the wife (who’s also a teacher–junior high!!!) and twins (now)…the chance to live a more balanced life! work hard, yet play hard with the family! the quality of life factor was/is a big deal!
i was 35 when i became a teacher…it took me a while to find my career (it was a great and strange journey…my friends and family can vouch for that) …sometimes it takes a while to find your place in the world and while i don’t think i’ll be here forever…i do think i finally found my place in the world, the big time (for me, at least)…maybe, a better way to put it would be to say, i finally foundmy best right place–where i’m at the point of convergence for my vocation…where everything i’ve done (truly) comes into play, where it “all comes toghther”…
and, i’m here…for as long this wild ride lasts…
it should be noted that…while this job holds its share of struggles, there are a lot of rewards that come with it–meeting and influencing young people…being influenced by them–it’s a great gig (most of the time)…so, maybe this kind of work could be your right place, too…
if you’re looking for your best hard time…we can always use a few more good teachers…
it’s been great to hear the response regarding the last blog post…thank you!
as a postscript to that:
it’s funny, right in the middle of making the decisions i mentioned in the last blog post–to permanently remove 2 students–i had some former students show up to class and visit…students who really took to the class and are continuing their education at the next level…
it’s always good to see students again and hear (as we often do) that they are enjoying the ‘next steps’ in life…whether in college/university, community college, the military, another job, you name it…the ones who ‘were rowdier’ when they were in class are always a bit sheepish when they cross the threshold…but, they still come back and that’s good to see…
because there’s always that part of you that thinks…i wonder what happened to that kid???
one of the hardest things to admit about working with kids is the fact–the reality–thatyou can’t reach all kids–which is one really good reason why we need a lot of good and different teachers, youth workers, counselors, etc–because someone probably can reach them, even if you can’t…
this past semester has been one of the most difficult semester’s i’ve experienced since becoming a high school teacher…there are a handful of kids who are really causing problems in class, and ultimately, interfering and blocking other students’ ability to learn…
you might think that because i teach elective courses…that all of the students in my classes would want to be there and want to learn–not true…and it is hard to believe, i mean, i teach criminal justice…the subject matter is interesting and fun to learn about, right?! i would’ve loved to have had the chance to take a class like that in high school…but, some kids still don’t want to be there or participate…it blows my mind?! and, in addition to the quiet non-compliant ones, you get kids who ‘want to be bad’ or ‘take an attitude’–and take as many other kids down with them as they can…which has been more often the case this semester…
this kind of thing is exhausting and it’s what a lot of teachers are up against each and every day…most people don’t have the faintest idea about what kind of energy it takes to do this kind of work (the worst detractors have called our occupation ‘part-time employment’–such a statement tells you more about the person making that kind of comment than the realities of teaching in american public schools)…i worked construction for a couple of years and the only occupation that is as tiringas that–is teaching…and it’s the student behaviors that take their toll–i spend more than half of my time each day motivating, persuading, re-directing, confronting, reminding, pushing/pulling, disciplining, and herding students re: appropriate classroom behaviors–then, once i’ve got ’em where i want ’em–wham, i teach ’em!!!🙂 granted, i work in an alternative environment…but, not all my kids have been ‘in trouble’ or ‘at risk’…
anyways, this is all to say that…because of the state of things this semester i’ve had to have 2 kids permanently removed (and not to be back next semester), with another group “on deck” for the same treatment…this is a big deal…to permanently kick a kid out of class–and it is something that is not done lightly…because if it happens enough, a kid can end up being permenantly kicked out of school–and for the kid, for society–we want to keep kids in school until they graduate, as much as we can (don’t believe me, spend a few hours looking over the research on juvenile delinquency in the u.s.–there is a strong correlation between not having a high school diploma and criminality)…
a lot of time, energy, and behavioral strategies have gone into the last four months (including a few sleepless nights)–incidents, consequences, ‘encouragements’, one-on-one conversations, and home contacts have all led up to this moment (at the same time, i haven’t been giving my time, energy and attention to the students who are doing what they’re supposed to be doing–which, of course, is the majority of my kids)…so, as much as i hate to admit it…i have to acknowledge that i just can’t reach these few troubled ones–i’m not getting through, didn’t even make a dent…
whether a teacher, youth director, juvenile justice worker–or, a parent…it is important to reflect and think about how you are interacting with the children you work with or the children you have…
and to know your role…
one day in class a student asked me:
hey, mr. d., you’re my friend, right?!
i replied:
no, i’m not…i’m your teacher
on a different day, another student from another class ‘doubled down’ on that comment and asked:
hey, mr. d., do you want to come a house party i’m throwin’ this saturday?
while images of me pulling a high-school version of ‘frank the tank’ filled my head…i replied:
no, i’m good
for the past decade, one of my biggest pet peeves with parents (and occasionally with certain youth leaders) is their wanting their kids to like them and/or being ‘friends’ with their kids (this wasn’t something i saw a lot of in my work with kids in the ’90s)
let’s pause and think about this for a minute–parents have to realize what they are giving kids when they do things in this way…they are giving them the parental power and authority…and, this kind of power is, quite honestly, too big for young people–remember, we’re talking about kids–children and teenagers, people whose brains are not fully developed…people who, have brain damage 🙂
and to give them…the keys to the kingdom…unbelievable?!
i recently heard a phenomenal lecture by dr. leonard sax (as recommended to me by my friend, katie sanders), where he addressed this very issue…it is a lecture that should be “required listening” for all parents and youth leaders–in his presentation there are two brilliant insights that rise above a lot of good material–they are:
the first prerequisite of being a good parent is that you cannot be concerned with whether your child likes you or not…
&
parents need to be confident of their authority…parents have stepped away from their authority in this country…
the unwillingness to be the authority, to be the parent…leads to kids who think they can do whatever they want whenever they want to…they believe they are entitled to it..they believe they should be calling the shots…disrespecting every other adult they encounter along the way (including their parents)…
ultimately, it provides kids with a false sense of how the real world works…how will they handle rejection, suffering, and struggle? what are we preparing them for? what are we setting them up for?
unfortunately, i see this kind of thing play out in my classroom every single day…
luckily, there is a remedy, a fix–though far from easy–we can change how we do things…we can actually herd dem cats, instead of letting ’em run wild…
it is that time of year…where we turn the page, reflect on the past and look towards the future…think about what’s gone on…what we’ve seen and experienced…by our own choice, by another’s, or by accident…
and depending on what you’ve come through…you may regard this time of year in a completely different way than someone else–what you’ve seen is unique to you, after all…like how you might regard your own image in a good mirror (not the fun house one)…because of what a good mirror can show you, what it can reflect back to you…looking into a good mirror might be pleasant or it might be painful–or both…because above all else, a good mirror tells the truth…a good mirror may be the object you pass by in a blur, or the thing you pause at for ‘a quick glance’, then move on–because staying there too long is just too uncomfortable …or, it may be that…you remain there, in front of it, and take in all that you see…
sometimes with what’s gone on…you think, i can’t believe that just happened…i wish i could have that back…whether a hard time, mis-spoken word, careless action, or an embarrassing moment…you know, the things you’d rather not see or be reminded of…
sometimes, especially when you experience something that falls into the last category–embarrassing moments–the only thing you can do is look back and laugh…
which brings me to this next story…i hope it brings you some new year’s cheer…
one of the most embarrassing moments of my life (and definitely in my work with kids) happened at the idaho youth ranch–herding cats never seemed so appropriate, yee-haw! the idaho youth ranch is a minimum-secure juvenile facility for troubled and at-risk juveniles, located in central idaho…pretty much inthe middle of nowhere (which is a deterrent for kids “to run” from the facility–though some still do:)…
the facility is made up of different cottages (kids are grouped in cottages according to age levels)…when i worked there, we would guide and manage the kids throughout their daily routines–wake-up, breakfast, morning chores, school hours, after school chores and activities, etc…
occasionally, on the weekends, we’d have a special off-site activity…
one saturday, my coworker and i were tasked with just that–an off-site activity–taking a group of ‘our boys’ on an extended bike ride across the dusty, lowland farming country that surrounded the ranch (there are some phenomenal highlands in idaho…like the sawtooth wilderness and the white clouds (lessor known than the rockies or appalachians, but no less spectacular)–but those outdoor treasures come into other stories)…the ranch had a set of mountain bikes that the kids could use, most of the counselors rode their own bikes…
well, i didn’t have a bike…so, in advance of our activity, another staff member said he’d loan me his mountain bike…i was grateful (at the time)…
when he gave me his bike, he also gave me his “bike shoes” (we wore the same size shoe)…by “bike shoes”, i mean the ones you wear as a part of a ‘clipless system’…let me take a moment to clarify clipless…clipless shoes are the ones that have cleat on the sole and clip-in (solidly) to the mechanism on specialized bike pedals (as opposed to the ‘clipped ones’–the ones that are known as the toe-clip or cage style–i know, it makes no sense)…
so, i had a bike and bike shoes…come saturday, i was ready to ride!!!
i remember, getting up and getting ready–i “geared up”, hopped on the bike, and headed out to the road where we were meeting up…it was a warm, sunny day in early may…there wasn’t a cloud in the sky (idaho skies can blow your mind, believe me)…and…i was feeling good, like i could bike for miles, tackle any challenge…
i found the group and stayed on my bike…the kids were antsy and itching to go (on the road just inside the ranch’s southern entrance)…so, i just circled…they greeted me and i bid the kids and my coworker a “good morning”…a few words were exchanged and then we headed out, my coworker took the lead, then came the kids, then came me…the road was typical of the backcountry roads in idaho–dusty, brown, and covered with small loose gravel–the kind of road that the ford f-150 was made for…
so, we biked on for a couple of miles, the bike was riding well and i was feeling like i was one with the bike…probably because my feet were locked in place…it felt good…and we were moving along at a good pace…no other cars or people to be seen…we had the open road to ourselves…
and, after about 30 minutes of riding, one of the kids said that they needed to stop…so, i biked up to the front, chatted with my partner, and we agreed that we’d stop at a good spot down the road…after that, i circled back…and we continued on for a couple of minutes…then, the group began slowing down…a few kids braked and dismounted their bikes, pulled out their water bottles and sat down in the dirt…i told my partner that i’d bike up to the next rise and get the lay of the land and come back, he nodded and i took off…
in a couple of minutes i was on my way back and approaching the group…i was ready for a break, too…as i was pulling up, ready to un-clip and swing my leg over the seat, and glide to a stop…it happened…i tried to lift my right foot off the pedal, to un-snap/un-clip my foot…but, it wasn’t working, it wouldn’t budge…so, i tried the left foot…same result–no dice…by now, panic set in and i looked to the crowd…to the juveniles and my partner who all stared at me with rapt attention…in anticipation of the dismount…
it never happened, because i had slowed to the point of a stop…teetered upright for what seemed like forever, then went down…hard…in the dirt and gravel…i looked up at the group, no one said anything…and then i looked to my feet…they were now “un-clipped”, of course…i looked back at the group and laughed, they did too…as if waiting for permission to do so…
it was sooooo embarrassing…especially, since i consider myself to be a decent athlete… ugh!
not long after that, we were all on the road again and they rest of the day went well…to their credit the kids never brought it up again (to me at least)…my coworker was merciless, however…and whenever we talked about it after that–he made sure i never lived it down…
sometimes when we look back at what’s gone on…we want to cringe, cry, or forget it all together…but to deny such experiences would be to deny ourselves, our very humanity …the things we’ve seen and experienced ultimately remind us that–yes, sometimes we stumble, sometimes we fall…but, that’s what makes us who we are…
as difficult as it was to navigate the early days with twins (nearly) two years ago (see previous two posts)…what made it possible to survive…what lifted us up when we were down…what made the difference was…
the people who showed up in our lives…the physical presence of friends and family saved us…
as a man, to ask for help…to accept help–is not something i relish…”we men” (in general) are brought up to do it ourselves–if a job needs doing then we’ll take care of it on our own, for ourselves and for our families (images of john wayne blazing through town, tall in the saddle, fill my head)…because submitting to others or being that vulnerable–to need someone else’s help, to rely on someone else–would reveal a weakness in our very character as men…
but i had to do just that…i had to submit, i had to surrender at that moment (and thereafter on occasion), when they showed up for us…because, truth be told, we wouldn’t have survived the storm of ‘being new parents’ without reinforcements…
these visitations…by our friends and family–they were the living, breathing incarnations of love, care, courage, strength, and hope…
long ago, there was a singular, miraculous, and glorious incarnation…when, a little fellow was born…his name was Jesus…and he came to a world who needed him…to those who were alone, hungry, crazy, helpless, pained, excluded, poor, and more…in their weakness, in their vulnerability…
he showed up…embraced mankind…and spoke…
it’s o.k., i am here, i am with you, now and forever…
(it's like) herding cats... 