you can’t handle the truth…

March 29, 2014 By in measure of a man Tags: , , , , , , , 6 Comments

there are traits that make a 16, 17, or 18 year-old male student truly amazing; like fearlessness, youthful optimism and a sense of adventure about the world around him — however, there are two significant adolescent male traits that can be a challenge in the classroom, home and community:  1) the edgy and ‘confident’ attitude that reveals itself as — i know it all and 2) the attitude/posture that says–i don’t care…about anything…

because boys don’t know it all AND should care (about something) …teaching boys is a really important thing for us to do well…in fact, we are at a critical time for ‘bringing up boys’ in u.s. history…a time when we need a few good men–to teach our boys…and i’m not talking about teaching specific subjects or curriculum components…i’m talking about teaching them what it means to be a man…we need male teachers who will stand “toe-to-toe” with boys and shepherd them into adulthood — truly!

don’t think this is teacher’s job? think again…it’s one of the most important things we can do in schools today…and, believe me, there are countless opportunities each day to help ‘grow boys into men’…in fact, there’s probably a teachable moment every time a boy opens his mouth to say something in class, guaranteed–in addition to a responsible male parent and/or family member (if available), most boys need a responsible male teacher in their lives–one who will smack ’em upside the head–figuratively, of course, in the school setting (heh, heh)–in the way that only a grown man can do…

don’t get me wrong, i’ve had amazing women teachers throughout my life; my wife and my sister are two of the best educators i’ve ever seen–they can rock the classroom…and there are thousands of great women teachers out there…and women can teach boys any subject in the book, no doubt…but, we’re not talking about teaching boys subject matter here…

we’re talking about teaching boys man matters…

and when it comes to teaching man matters…no one is better equipped for this task than a man…as evident in this quote from dr. leonard sax:

“…when it comes to showing boys how a gentleman behaves–how a gentleman interacts with women, how he responds to adversity, how he serves his community–then there is no substitute for having a male role model…that’s where boys can benefit most, in my judgement, from seeing a man, perhaps a teacher or a coach, who loves to read in his spare time, who participates in projects for habitat for humanity or in community service with his local synagogue or church, who’s a regular guy–not a saint, not rambo, not john wayne…just somebody real”(sax, 2007).

let me give you two, real-life examples about teaching boys man matters from my classroom…times when i needed to go ‘toe-to-toe’ with the boys in my class…

classroom case files (fall, 2007):

male student: men are smarter than women, that’s a fact (other men in class are nodding in agreement)

female student: i agree with them

(i am shocked at this!)

(other male students clap and laugh)

other male students: see, mr. d.!

mr. d.: let me ask you something young men, and the woman over here — where in the world did you get this idea? (we engage in debate and discussion — where i include facts/research that debunks and challenges what the boys put forth)…

it’s important to not let some comments slide; to openly challenge what has been stated with strong counter-arguments that are based in fact–and this was one of those times… and in the back of my mind, i was thinking…come on, do you really believe this? do you really believe this in the year 2007? come on, this is mad men shtuff…

let’s move on to the next example…

classroom case files (spring, 2014):

this next story takes place during a week when were discussing risk factors (for juveniles that may need social services and/or become delinquent)…on one particular day, i had them write down all the things that they do that drives their parents nuts…things that their parents wouldn’t want them doing …and they came up with some good ones: staying out past curfew, lying, using alcohol or drugs, ‘back talking’, not answering their phones, not cleaning their rooms, skipping school, etc…then, i had them flip it and write down all the things that would drive them nuts if they were a parent–things they wouldn’t want their kids doing…

[a few of my students are actually parents (teenage moms), so that always makes these exercises a bit more interesting; fyi-the teen parents i have in class this semester are not in this particular block of students, though i wish they were]

“things they wouldn’t want their kids to do” items: use/become addicted to drugs, drop out of school, bully another student, get arrested, get thrown in  jail, etc…then came one that was gender specific (daughter specific)…

get pregnant…

while most parents (regardless of gender) would agree that they wouldn’t want their daughters to get pregnant in high school…this item was voiced by a boy in class and then, immediately, a bunch of other guys chimed in to agree with him and comment on that item…some of the girls agreed, some stayed silent…but, the boys got louder and made “the getting pregnant thing” a one-sided deal, they talked about it like it was “her problem”…this is when i stepped in…

mr. d.: say that again? 

male student: you know, i would definitely be upset if my daughter got pregnant, i wouldn’t tolerate that…but, i would’ve kept her under lock and key beforehand…

mr. d.: what about your son? i take it that you put this item into a different category, according to gender…because you think it’s different for your son?

male student: of course, he’s got more freedom to date and see girls…it would be different with my daughter…you know…it’s what guys do…

mr. d.: what if your son was involved with a girl…and got a girl pregnant? then what? i mean, it takes ‘two to tango’, you know…are you gonna give him a free pass?

the male student started to lose steam…it was at this time that his friends tried to save him, to take his side and come to his rescue…so, they came at me and tried to back me down…

but, i didn’t back down…i continued to push back, hard–against this group of boys…i was forceful and there was iron in my words…

mr. d.: you know, we teach teen moms over here…i’ve had quite a few of them in my classes…and these girls have to take responsibility for their actions–the part they played in the pregnancy, no doubt…but, so should the boys, the teen dads…the boys who chalk this up as a ‘notch on their belts’…a ‘conquest’…like it makes them a man…but, let me tell you something…these guys…most of ’em…they don’t ‘show up’, they disappear–after the fact…you think that’s what it means to be a man?! you think that’s what it means to be a father?!

it got real quiet after that…

importantly, i didn’t shame, belittle, or ‘name-call’ any of the guys in my classroom…but i didn’t sit there quietly either, i didn’t let their comments slide, like it was nothing [importantly, a lot of where they get this mindset from is…the media, their male peers, and some older males (who get it wrong)…the double standard for men and women on this issue is pervasive throughout our society (i’ve got to guard against it myself)…but, it’s no excuse]…it was something they needed to be challenged on, it was something they needed to be called out on…because it’s part of the greater negative worldview regarding women…a negative worldview that some men hold and pass onto the younger generations–that women are objects…for the amusement and pleasure of men–and that kind of thinking affects how men treat women…thinking, after all, affects action (i am one to know, i’ve been there–intentionally and unintentionaly)…so, if you can influence the way a boy thinks, positively, he’ll be a better man for it, he’ll treat the women in his life with love and respect…

there are countless other issues that come up at school that need to be addressed with boys…bullying and harassment, work ethic, motivation, problem-solving, perseverance, responsibility, adversity and how to respond to it, ‘admitting when you’re wrong’, etc…i chose these two examples (that focus on gender bias) because it is an issue that comes up a lot at school (out of the mouths of boys) and in our society, in general …where it is common to equate masculinity with the ‘degradation of women’...male teachers can change that…

when a male teacher confronts a boy in class, it lands differently than if the same conversation had taken place in the presence of a female teacher (just as it would be different if a female teacher confronted a girl in class about the domain of women)–it carries a lot weight…or, in biblical terms (proverbs 27:17):

iron sharpens iron, and so one man sharpens another…

in these moments, it becomes immediately clear that when boys are up against a male teacher who won’t back down (yet talk to them with respect and reason)…a male who possesses real swagger, who really knows something about the world, who really cares about the world–that their ‘(over) confidence’ and i know it all attitude is most often revealed as a front…and that, most of all, they’ve got a lot to learn…

who better to challenge a male than a male teacher? who better to counter a negative behavior in a male, than a male? who better to call out a male on ‘what he thinks is cool’ — but is, in fact, a harmful approach to life, than another male? who better to encourage and support a male, than another male? especially, at this time in their lives, when they really need it — when they are pushing up against every parent and every other authority figure around them…when they are looking for an opponent, a fight — intentionally and deliberately — who better to push back with bravery, wisdom, and love…than another male?

the following observation from poet robert bly soundly sums up such things:

“during the sixties, some young men drew strength from women who in turn had received some of their strength from the women’s movement…one could say that many young men in the sixties tried to accept initiation from women…but only men can initiate men, as only women can initiate women…women can change the embryo to a boy, but only men can change the boy to a man” (bly, 1990).

we don’t need perfection, but we do need a few good men…

a male who is brave is best, a male who is tough is best, a male who is stubborn is best, a male who has been through some shit is best, a male who has moral fiber is best…and above all, a male who cares is best…*

in 2011, 84% of public school (k-12) teachers were female (Feistritzer, 2011)…and, given the impact that a male role-model can have–it is clear that we need more men in this field…men who will match, step for step, the young boys they will go up against every day…and given the class-sizes of schools across the nation, i think we can add men and balance the ‘teacher-profile ledger’ without threatening the jobs of women teachers…

so, men, sign up today!

*nowhere in this section do i mention that the male has to be straight…that’s not a prerequisite for this kind of work…for teaching man matters…one of my former colleagues–that i still hold in the highest regard–was/is an openly gay choir director at a church i worked at in omaha, nebraska…talk about stones…try doing that in nebraska, people…anyways, this guy had the respect and admiration of the staff, the families and the kids in the church community…and was an outstanding leader and role model for the boys in our youth programs…

recommended reading: boys adrift: the five factors driving the growing epidemic of unmotivated boys and underachieving young men–video games, teaching methods, prescription drugs, environmental toxins, and the devaluation of masculinity, dr. leonard sax, 2007; (one of the best books i’ve ever read about teaching and parenting boys in america); profile of teachers in the u.s. 2011, c. emily feistritzer, 2011: http://www.ncei.com/Profile_Teachers_US_2011.pdf; iron john-a book about men,  robert bly, 1990.

your in trouble, man…

March 22, 2014 By in measure of a man Tags: , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

one thing that still surprises me about our society is that…sometimes i encounter men who never got a copy of the manual of bathroom policies and procedures: men’s room edition…volume VII in the expansive body of work that concerns the ‘man code’…

it’s like they missed that day of class or never got the memo for this type of thing…

it doesn’t matter that the manual isn’t an actual publication or that it isn’t written down anywhere, for that matter…

because it’s the kind of thing that is passed down from generation to generation…it’s the kind of thing that is understood, or should be understood among all men…at least, in america…press play on lee greenwood’s proud to be an american…

what should be understood, what is so very important to understand…is…what you do and what you don’t do in the men’s room…not knowing these things (the do’s and the don’ts), not knowing the rules is a problem…and in the worst case scenarios, not knowing the rules could result in the revocation of your ‘man card’…

that should give you an idea of just how serious these offenses and violations are…

i should know…because i’ve been violated multiple times at work recently…

let me recount the tales…

one day, i walked into the men’s room at our school…

[it should be noted that our school does not have staff bathrooms…so, we have to use the same bathrooms the kids use…which means we’ve got bathrooms that look like all hell broke loose in there (this usually happens as soon as 30 minutes into the start of the school day as best as we can figure)…graffiti, trash, damaged stall doors and walls, un-flushed toilets, you name it…in all honesty, it looks like a scene straight out of the science-fiction classic escape from new york–with some of those same looking characters ‘in and out of there’ all day long…sometimes, when i’m in there, it gives me a bad feeling–the heebie–jeebies…like…i’m not getting out of here alive]

and, i found my urinal…it’s the one that is located against the far wall…on one side of my urinal is a second urinal (there’s only two) and on the other side is the wall i just mentioned…behind me (if i’m facing my urinal) are two stalls…on the other side of the urinals are two sinks/mirrors…

anyways…i’m at my urinal, doing my business…alone…a moment of contentment, you know…

when the door creaks open…

and ‘a fellow’ comes in (all males in this post shall remain nameless, to protect the innocent)…then it happens…he does the unthinkable…

he saddles up to the urinal next to me and starts doing his thing (violation #1)…

then, he commits a second violation almost immediately…he starts talking to me (violation #2)…

let me break this down for you…these are two things you don’t do in the men’s room…especially, in tandem…these are two blatant and reckless violations of the ‘man-code’…

first, let’s address violation #1…any man who knows the manual…knows that if there are just two urinals (as in this case)…and one man is already at one urinal…the ‘open one’ is not really open…especially, when both stalls are free…in this case, the correct move for the new arrival is to take one of the vacant stalls…

[this is true in just about every men’s bathroom situation…but the exceptional cases, the outliers…the rare cases where there are exceptions to the rules…which we’ll get to in a moment]

it’s known, it’s understood…

at the same time, this guy adds insult to injury by trying to talk to me…this is a big “no-no”…this isn’t a time for a casual chit-chat like we’re having a coffee at starbucks or enjoying a big ginger at the local irish pub (one of the best bars in minneapolis)…this is a time when you’re exposed and vulnerable…it’s it place of privacy–and it’s no place to start-up a conversation or make ‘small talk’–you’ve got to respect the space, man…

it’s known, it’s understood…

or so i thought…

unbelievably, later that same day…another ‘fellow’ committed the same exact offense, with the same exact one-two punch: 1) he took the adjoining urinal when there were two open stalls and 2) he tried to talk to me?!…and later that week, the guy who had violated me the first time–got me again (and then, it all became quite clear to me–this guy, missed that day of class…this guy, never got the memo)…

anyways, what happened was…i had just passed him in the hallway–he was talking someone…and, i thought–i’m safe…boy, i was wrong!  i had barely got to work and he was there, right next to me–again!  by the third incident (sixth violation) i was so rattled that i was hugging my urinal like it was my last true friend in the world…like tom hanks gripped wilson in castaway…if i was any closer, i would’ve been standing in the basin…

so, nowadays, i survey the scene completely (immediate area and nearby hallways) and have only come to accept a “no visual-contact” radius (for those two characters) of 100-yards as my safe zone…

anyways, if you’re an up and coming man, a young lad (this includes you, jack)…pay close attention to what’s been said here…and to the few rare exceptions below…and don’t ever forget what you’ve been told…

urinal decorum: exceptions to the rules (situations where it’s o.k. to take the urinal next to a man who’s already ‘in position’)…

  • you can take up a position next to an occupied urinal if there is a partition between the urinals
  • you can take up a position next to an occupied urinal if there are no open stalls and you ‘can’t wait’
  • you can take up an adjoining position if you are at major event like a football game, concert, etc…where there is a trough urinal (the over-arching rule in this situation is: get in and get out—quickly!)
  • in such cases where there are multiple urinals and multiple men in position, you will, to your best efforts, attempt to keep one urinal between you and any other man in position 
  • the only time you can talk to someone at an adjoining urinal is when a) you are drunk and/or b) when the person taking up a position next to you is your homie

[the policies, procedures (and exceptions) have been included in this post with the expressed written permission of the international coalition of men’s men]

*the term violation refers to a norm violation…a norm is defined as an unwritten rule for socially acceptable behavior…other such violations would be sitting next to someone in a movie theater when there are other available ‘open seats’; farting in church; eating off of someone else’s plate; etc (many others of which were highlighted brilliantly in the show seinfeld)…

glory days…

March 14, 2014 By in herding (my own) cats Tags: , , , , , Leave a comment

i’m about two years into my forties…

and, when i stop and think about this time of my life…

i wonder–what can i tell my kids about crossing this threshold? what advice can i give them? how can i warn them? (heh, heh)

i guess i would tell them…

40 (41, 42, etc…) is different…it hits you in different ways…physically and mentally…forty feels different…

as an example…the other day, i played a rough and rowdy game of floor hockey with my colleagues after work–it is a good stress reliever for all of us…better to take it out on each other than the kids we work with–the next day, i had to peel myself out of bed…all stiff and sore and creaking bones…there was a particularly sore spot…my knee-cap…where the auto instructor had hacked me pretty good…but, it was all in good fun…

anyways…there are some points in life when you feel your age…

at least with floor hockey, i feel as if i can still keep up and “get in the game” (despite the aches and pains)…this was not the case, when (a few years ago) i tried to re-enter the futbol world and play on a soccer team with some friends…i mean, when i signed-up for the league i was excited and enthusiastic about the season…then, i got on the field and tried to play…it was like i was stuck in the mud…i couldn’t believe how slow i was…moving to and from the ball, trying to dribble and make a move–it was laughable…it was like my legs were telling me, are you kidding–you want us to do what?! …you’ve heard of muscle memory…this was muscle amenesia…it was like i had never played…my legs had gone off the grid, pulled a ‘jason bourne’, you know…

when i signed up to play, i had in my mind…the image, the memory of the player i was, back then…back when i was younger…i thought i was still that guy…but, the hard reality hit me on the field (as i struggled through the games)…that it had all changed… and that the player i knew then, in my glory days, was gone…

it was a hard thing to face, to come to grips with…i’m still trying to face that truth, that reality…today…

but, there’s something else…

from a philosophical perspective, it hits you pretty hard as well–it knocks you down…you reflect, look back and ponder the days gone by…the good times, the bad times, the in-between times…all those moments and memories that you’ve come through…

and you think about what lies ahead…

your impending doom…

but seriously, when you hit ‘forty’…you think about your mortality, you think about the fact that some day you won’t be around anymore…you think about the time when you’ll meet your maker…

forty (and beyond) is different…

so, to my son and daughter–all i can say is…

live your life, enjoy it when you can, where you can…best you can…

tradecraft…use of force [continued]

March 6, 2014 By in juvenile justice, tradecraft Tags: , Leave a comment

juvenile justice case files: use of force (the aftermath)

when i left off in the last post, i had just ‘taken a kid down’ and had him in a control hold on the ground (awaiting back-up)…

well, back-up did arrive…in the form of four other staff members…who all grabbed a limb and help me restrain the young man…

after a while, we were able to get him calmed down and into one of the quiet rooms near the staff office…i thanked them all for their help and they went back to their kids…

by then it was shift change and other staff began to show-up…after i had filled them in on the day’s events, they took over running the kids through their routines while i sat in the office and “wrote up the incident” (everything gets documented–especially, in cases like this–when you have to restrain a child/use force)

of the staff that were now “on shift”, one of them was my supervisor …he looked over my report and we talked about what happened…he said that i handled things well, best i could, given the situation…he said he would handle processing with brett…then, he asked me a really interesting question:

supervisor: do you know why he acted that way? i mean, do you know why he might’ve acted that way, today, specifically?

(i thought about it for a minute)

me: …a bad day?

supervisor: today’s your last day, right? your last shift. he’s on your case-load and you’ve got a good relationship with him…we see this happen sometimes…he knows you’re leaving and he wanted your attention…for some kids, for some of the kids that come through here…to act out, it’s the only way they know how to get ‘that attention’…

then he got up, shook my hand and said, “hate to lose you, good luck”…and went back to working with the kids…

and i was left there, in the quiet of the office, with that thought…

anyways…

regarding the use of force:

  • sometimes you have to use force to keep people safe;
  • federal, state and local law enforcement agencies do a good job of instructing their officers in the use of force; juvenile correctional agencies don’t always do a good job of that (if i had relied solely on the techniques that they had showed me–during a half-hour training–i wouldn’t have been able to control the youth or the situation);
  • if you’re in juvenile corrections you might want to consider self-defense/martial arts training…add it to your repertoire…it just might make the difference in the way a situation is resolved (i studied judo and aikido and those skills have served me well…there are other arts that are equally effective);
  • appropriate use of force is key; the amount of force i used was necessary and reasonable in order to gain control of the youth–it was not excessive; unfortunately, there are some people in this line of work who like to “get physical” or “thump” kids…and who take things too far…not cool…we don’t need those kind of people in this profession

tradecraft…use of force

March 4, 2014 By in juvenile justice, tradecraft Tags: , , , , Leave a comment

while it’s true that your voice is your most important tool in herding cats…

sometimes words aren’t enough…

sometimes, no matter what you say–a kid will take it to the next level and the situation will escalate…so, what do you do then???

well, first let me say that this post primarily relates to working with kids in juvenile justice settings…though (nowadays) it could apply to those working in schools or other youth settings…

so, if they escalate–if they take it to the next level…you may have to “go hands-on” with a juvenile or “physically restrain” a child in your care…it’s a fact…

if you’ve been following the blog then you know that i’ve talked about takedowns before…though the focus of those other posts was different and the takedown that was referenced was, most often, peripheral to the main point of the post…

the story i’m going to share is significant for two reasons: 1) it highlights the importance of the use of force and defensive tactics in this profession (valuable skills to have) and 2) it was i time when i was pretty much on my own to “make the call” to use force…in this case, i was the only person that was going to stop someone from getting hurt…

let’s start off with a classic clip from jackie chan…to get us fired-up for the story…

now, that you’re sufficiently prepared for this…let’s get to the real life story…

juvenile justice case files: use of force (the incident)

it all started out as a normal day at the idaho youth ranch (a minimum-secure juvenile facility in central idaho)…i showed up for my day shift on saturday morning at 7:00 am…upon arrival, i greeted the night staff and we visited for a little while before getting down to business…then, we started “wake-up” and “morning chores” (each kid had an area of the unit, in addition to his own room, that he was responsible for keeping clean–the tasks didn’t take too long to complete, typically) before heading out to breakfast…

we were about an hour into our morning routine when the first curve ball came…it was the time when my ‘regular partner’ would normally show up and replace the night staff…except, on this particular morning my partner didn’t make it in…eventually, the call came and we got word from a supervisor that my partner was out sick and a sub would be there (shortly) …the sub who showed up was an older woman, late 50s…and someone who didn’t normally “work on the units” with the kids…so, when she got there i thought…this should be interesting…

so, we got them through chores, breakfast, and onto to the day’s activities (which included some time in the gym, doing “house activities”, and with their horses-it’s a ranch after all-giddy up!)…throughout the day some of the kids were getting a little “mouthy” with each other–this could be best described as low-level, aggravating verbal exchanges that would flare up occassionaly…par for the course in this kind of work (in juvenile justice, most of your time is spent reminding kids about “what the expectations are” and redirecting them when they’re not doing what they need to–and, giving consequences, if needed; a lot of the kids who end up in these facilities have never had anyone set “boundaries” or “limits” for their behaviors…so, that was our role:)…anyways, early on i had a bad feeling in my gut…like something more serious was simmering just below the surface…

well, through lunch and into the early afternoon activities the initial low-level aggravation  grew into a larger unrest within the group…specifically, between two kids on my case load…kids we’ll call brett and andy…

their increased unrest was enough of a reason/warning sign to change the day’s plan..so, after conferring with my partner, i told the group we were heading back to the unit for some quiet time (where all residents would be in their rooms and quiet for a half-hour) to settle things down…during the walk back, brett and andy were still “going at each other” (verbally)…and their peers and i were trying to redirect them–at that time, the idaho youth ranch operated under a therapeutic philosophy called the “positive peer culture”…where the juveniles had a large stake in redirecting, confronting and helping their peers…and, generally speaking, such an environment had its advantages when trying to get the kids to comply with their program requirements (i mean, i could say something to a kid that he may or may not hear…but, when it’s a peer-especially in those teen years-it carries a lot of weight)…

anyways, neither the peers’ comments nor mine made any difference to brett and andy…they continued on in that same manner…and because we weren’t getting through, my next move was going to be ‘to speak with brett and andy individually’ while the others were in their rooms for quiet time…to try to head off any major trouble at the pass–but, as it turns out…i never got the chance to do that…

once we were “back on the unit”, i told all the kids to head to their rooms for quiet time…and every single youth complied, except for brett and andy…not only that, but their exchange got ‘more heated’…with brett beginning to threaten andy (like he was going to hurt him)…

it’s funny…i remember exactly where everyone was at this moment…it’s burned into my memory–andy was on my left, at the end of a hallway that led down to a series of rooms (including his own); brett was on my right, in the common room just outside the staff office (his room was not in the same hallway as andy’s); across from me, forming up the last corner of the diamond was my “partner for the day” (and she looked worried)…and honestly, i couldn’t blame her…i was worried, too…my heart was beating fast–i was sweating and hoping it wouldn’t go to the next level, you know…i don’t care who you are, but situations like this are extremely stressful, tense and unpredictable–and most people don’t like it when things escalate to this point…to the edge of physical conflict or violence…

so, we tried to stay calm ouselves…and redirect their behavior and get them to go to their rooms…by talking to them, by using our voices like we were trained to do…and while this tactic worked throughout the day to “diffuse little arguments” and “get them back on track”…it wasn’t working now…not at all…

in fact, their voices got louder and their language got more aggressive…neither one was backing down…

and then i knew what was going to happen, i knew it was going to hit the fan…so, press play on the eagles’ heartache tonight…you know how it goes, somebody’s gonna hurt someone, before the night is through…somebody’s gonna come undone, there’s nothing we can do…

so, i looked at my partner and nodded (she had a radio in her hand) and i said…

call for assistance…

(a ‘call for assistance’ would let the other staff in the other units know that there was a crisis “in-progress”, and that they should send any extra staff they had to our location as soon as possible)

anyways, once she clicked “the call button” and opened her mouth, brett lunged towards andy with his arm cocked (like he was going to hit him)…

and then, three things happened simultaneously…1) i grabbed brett mid-lunge; 2) andy bolted down the hallway and hid in his room; and 3) my partner disappeared…

once i had brett, i held him across the mid-section…he was struggling…he wasn’t fighting me as much as he was trying to get loose and pursue his target (andy)…but, he was thrashing…somehow, i managed to hold him in that way for a little while–importantly, although brett was just 15 years-old, he was my about my height/weight and he was a strong and athletic kid…so, this “up-right hold” was not ideal and i knew it wasn’t going to last for long (there was no way i could hold him like that until back-up arrived–it was not going to happen)…at the same time, i knew i couldn’t let go…so, i thought…

i’ve got to take him down myself–the sooner the better…

but before i did, i spoke to him, i told him (in my best raspy, clint eastwood voice)…

you’re going down…

(to this day, i don’t know what possessed me to say that…probably one too many 80s action flicks in my youth)

after i said those words, i spun him towards me and did an “outside of the foot sweep”–in judo, we call this throw osoto gari (large outer reaping)…and it can be really effective when done correctly…in this case, i nailed it and he went down (with me holding onto his shirt collar with one hand and his fore-arm/sleeve with my other hand) and i went down, too, on-top of him…as is the natural momentum/flow of this throw…esp. if you want to get them in a hold on the ground (which is what i wanted to do)…so, i went quickly into a side control hold (kuzure kesa gatame)…in this position, i had him and he wasn’t getting out…never-the-less, he still struggled and yelled…

so, i just held him there, pinned down (waiting for backup to arrive)…and i spoke to him again…this time i said…

it’s going to be alright, it’s going to be ok…

[to be continued…]

digital demeanor…

February 22, 2014 By in observations Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

with the regular and on-going controversies of adolescents involved in inappropriate on-line communications continuing to surface (the most recent one involving a “tweet” from a student attending a high school in minnesota)…

the issue of digital demeanor…is worth mentioning…

so to are the harms that can result from “behaving badly in electronic spaces”…spaces that “seem private” or “distant from the real world”…but are, in fact–real in their consequences…

since we don’t know enough about “the recent minnesota high school case” to judge it appropriately, let me give you  an example about what i mean by digital demeanor...from an experience in my classroom…to illustrate how things can go horribly wrong…

[note: while digital demeanor can include words and images transmitted by way of desk-top and lap-top computers, phones and other digital devicies…this blog post primarily focuses on “cell-phone issues and demeanor” because the use of cell-phones is prevalent among my students]

classroom case files: nearly eight years ago, in my first year of teaching…one male student sent another male student a text message that included images of brokeback mountain…with harassing statements that included the sender calling the other student “gay” and a “f**” and other inappropriate comments that the sender thought “were funny”…the incident came to light (in-class) because of a verbal altercation that happened as a result of that message…the sender, of course, received consequences for his actions–from me and the school administration…in this case, the consequences were only “school-based”…but, had it gone differently…it could’ve easily reached the level where criminal charges were filed by the victim…

stuff like this is serious and far from funny…and unfortunately…stuff like this still happens regularly…

specifically, these virtual spaces allow people to post words or images that may harm or harass another person…or come back on the person who posted the word or image, if they did so impulsively, without thinking, or without “the proper training”…it should come as no surprise then, that a lot of these cases involve teenagers who text, tweet, or post something in a public/on-line venue of some kind–in other words, they involve cases of people whose brains are not fully developed…

these posts and images, as you know, are sent out into the world by way of mobile digital devices (most often, by way of cell-phones)…devices that have been provided to adolescents by adults (parents) in their lives…because, ultimately, it is socially acceptable to do so…

so, let’s review…

we give teenagers…people whose brains are still developing (specifically, the impulse control and decision-making parts) a tool of unbelievable and unprecedented power when we give them a hand-held digital device…a tool that allows them the unsupervised and unrestricted ability (often times)–to transmit/receive unformed, uninformed, irrational, immature, reckless and impulsive messages between them and the world at large…

so, should we be surprised when a teen makes a mistake here?!  it is like handing them the keys to a 2014 ford mustang sports car…a la ‘fast and furious’…(without driver’s education, a permit, and a license) and saying, ‘have fun!’…

let me be clear…i am not making excuses for teens here…absolutely not–digital demeanor is, clearly, a major social problem–especially for adolescents…

at the same time, it is not just a concern for adolescents but for adults as well…i mean, i’ve had to exercise self-discipline in my own use of this kind of power…at times, i’ve made mistakes…and hit “send” on an email or a text that was reactive or aggressive–the kind of messages i wish i could have back, you know…

so, i guess, what i’m asking is…where is the line?  are we setting the boundaries that we need to set for our young people?  are we holding them accountable when they violate those boundaries? are we teaching them to make good choices?  are we teaching them to be responsible with this kind of power?  importantly, while a significant amount of parents need to “tighten-up” their house rules and monitoring of their teen’s digital use…this is not a rant against parents or a “blame the parents” blog post…believe me, i can feel for parents who have done the right thing, who have set limits and boundaries for their kids–and to their horror, their kids “still messed it up”–teens make their own choices, after all…and have to accept responsiblity for those choices…but, what can we do?  how can we do the “digital thing” better?  how can we improve our digital demeanor?

finding answers to these questions may be difficult, but a good starting point is with nationally known, parent/child educator, dr. david walsh…

dr. walsh travels around the country and talks about ‘the teenage brain’, boundaries, and digital responsibility (the lessons he shares are extremely valuable and can be taken from both his books and his “face-to-face” presentations)…from his research, he has identified three pillars of digital health (walsh, 2014):

  1. Digital participation: Young people who participate meaningfully in their digital lives learn that technology isn’t just for entertainment; it is also a tool for learning, networking and engagement.
  2. Digital citizenship: We like to think of digital citizenship as the habit of mind that guides the way we treat one another online.
  3. Digital discipline: Digital discipline is the set of skills, behaviors and practices that enable us to power down and unplug when we need to.

of these, digital demeanor falls most certainly in the category of digital citizenship…or, what i would call the ‘moral category’…the right way and wrong way to behave and treat one another online…the guidelines and boundaries that parents, teachers, and other meaningful adults can set for young people in our society…

a good general rule that applies to this situation is one that we all learned in kindergarten–if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all…

because just like kids who inappropriately over-share and blurt (verbally) in homes, schools and other settings all over the world…they also, inappropriately over-share and blurt online–and i believe we can curtail that type of behavior–i believe we can herd dem cats on the digital frontier, as well…

personally, given the fact that these digital devices are such “life and learning disruptors” for adolescents…especially, phones (i see it regularly as a high school teacher)…i cringe at the thought of my children having and using cell-phones some day…so, here are some things that i promise to do as a father (if phones and phone usage are still a major social issue at the time my children start asking for one)…to establish ‘phone guidelines’ in our house (this is what my top 10 would look like)…

  1. i will make it known in our family that it is privilege to have your own cell-phone (not a right…and point out, that a cell-phone is a luxury item)
  2. i will make it known in our family that we will make decisions about phones together (who gets one, when they get it and what kind they get)
  3. i will delay getting our children cell-phones for as long as possible (i will be stubborn about it, regardless about what “their friends are doing”)
  4. for their first phone…i will get them one in “the ugly, un-cool, flip-phone” category with limited features–an 80’s cell-phone would be ideal (no internet access, no camera, etc…just the ‘bare bones’)
  5. once they demonstrate the ability to use the phone in #4 responsibly (for at least two years)…they may earn a phone with more power/features
  6. with each level of “increased power and features” i will give them “increased guidelines” (about how to use those tools responsibly)
  7. i will let them know that they will pay for their own phone and phone plans…whether by chores or own employment
  8. i will establish house rules for “shut-off” times…where they can’t be on their phones and/or have their phones in their rooms after certain times at night (see dr. walsh’s digital discipline)
  9. i will limit my own usage of technology around my wife and family (especially at the dinner table)
  10. i will pray that this plan works and that they use their phones like they’ve been taught:)

bonus: i will add any additional rules headquarters (my wife) tells me to;)

i’ll let you know (in 12+ years) if this works for us…

recommended readings: dr. dave’s cyberhood: making media choices that create a healthy electronic environment for your kids, dr. david walsh (2001); why do they act that way?: a survival guide to the adolescent brain for you and your teen , dr. david walsh (2004); no-why kids (of all ages) need to hear it and ways parents can say it, dr. david walsh (2007); girls on the edge: the four factors driving the new crisis for girls–sexual identity, the cyberbubble, obsessions, environmental toxins, dr. leonard sax (2010)

tradecraft…non-verbals (part II)

February 18, 2014 By in tradecraft Tags: , , , , , Leave a comment

when you’re doing this kind of work…herding cats…a good question to ask yourself is…what message am i sending?

i remember one day in class…when i was angry with a couple of students…they asked me, are you alright? 

i said, i’m fine…as “i sorted some papers” on my desk…by “sorted some papers”, i mean… furiously rustled and stacked three separate piles of handouts (for about 15 seconds), with jaw clenched and vein bulged–the one that runs across my right temple…

the next day, a student called me out on it…saying, hey, mr. d., you were kind of upset with us yesterday, weren’t you?  the student who was asking the question had a slight smile on his face and the climate in the classroom was “lighter”…

so, i asked him, what do you mean?

he replied, well, when we asked you “how you were?”…you said, “fine”…but then stacked your papers…”real angry-like”…

a couple of other students giggled at that…and after a short pause, i laughed myself…it was all i could do…because i knew they “had me”, i knew they were right…my actions, my gestures…my non-verbals had betrayed my words…my non-verbals had told the truth…

like me, you may have some “signs” that show your true feelings…physical gestures that are quite powerful…

sometimes they are things you can laugh about, like in the above example…other times, they can work against you…especially, if you’re not paying attention to your body language…sometimes they can ‘escalate’ a situation when combined with an aggressive/aggravated voice…

we see this happen in the following situations (and more) all the time…

  • getting too close to someone (proximity) who is agitated (when you’re agitated) may trigger their defensive/anger/fight or flight responses;
  • crossing your arms over your chest may send a defensive, defiant, or uncooperative signal;
  • clenching your fists when you are interacting someone may show them how angry you are;
  • pointing fingers and hands at someone’s face (proximity) may set them off (verbally or physically);
  • facing someone down (as opposed to talking to them ‘at their side’) may be perceived as a threat;
  • rolling your eyes at someone may be taken as disrespect

in our high-speed, high-stress society we can all go from zero to “big green monster” in a snap…but, as my friend craig says, even in a seemingly instant/knee-jerk moment…there is a chance, a window of opportunity…to pause, to breathe…

to stop ourselves before “the other guy shows up” and we hulk-smash the world around us…

tradecraft…non-verbals (part I)

February 15, 2014 By in tradecraft Tags: , , , 2 Comments

when you have a connection to a group of kids and have solid relationships with them…sometimes all it takes is “a look” to convey what you want to communicate…

you know what i’m talking about, when you were a kid there were times (if you think back) when your mom, dad, teacher, or coach…gave you the look…

the look could convey a couple of serious messages such as…

don’t do what you’re about to do, son…

don’t do what you just did (again), son…

don’t even think about it!

implied in the look, was the “or else” response…that was coming…the consequence, the punishment of “failing to comply with message sent in the look“–it was “understood” because there was history there (most likely)…where you disobeyed an adult who gave you the look before…and, you remember when they dropped the hammer on you…

nowadays, i use the look in my classroom for the same reasons…to send a message…without words…because sometimes the look is more powerful than words…sometimes a look says it all…

i also educate the kids in my classes about a particular non-verbal that they might see from me…by telling them…

you should be concerned when i’m not smiling…concerned about what you’ve done, or about what you might do…and, about what might happen because of it…me, not smiling, is a warning sign to you…

this works for me because i’m typically a jovial guy, smiling and laughing…it’s hardwired into my nature…for good or for ill…so, when i’m not smiling, when that’s not happening…something’s up…

awareness and proper use of non-verbals can be a really important skill to have in your tool box and a really effective means to communicate with young people–to remind them of expectations and boundaries…whether a parent, teacher, coach, youth worker, juvenile justice worker, etc…non-verbals can have a great impact on how situations and events play out…other important non-verbals besides the look are…posture, proximity (person-to-person), arm/hand/finger positioning, active listening, etc…

so, how do you…shout it out loud and speak volumes, without uttering a word?

teacher mojo

February 13, 2014 By in herding (my own) cats, teaching and coaching Tags: , , , , , , Leave a comment

having kids changes you…more than you can possibly comprehend at any point prior to the instant that they show up in your life…

one of the changes that i’ve experienced in regards to this–has happened on the job…working with and teaching high school students…more specifically, in how i work with and teach students…

i now refer to “the change” in this way (originally coined by my wife)…

having kids messes with my teacher mojo…

look, before my kids came along i thought i would be hell at work, less patient, and have a shorter fuse with the students in my classes…but, surprisingly, what’s happened has been the complete and total opposite…honestly, “the change”…caught me off guard, knocked me down, and rocked my world in ways that i never knew were possible…who would’ve thought?!

take the example from the hard lessons post…in the past, i would’ve been harder on those guys that we’re giving me trouble–i would’ve been less patient and understanding…and quick to drop the hammer…my patience might have lasted one or two months, max…not a full semester…

but that’s not me today…

i’m different…i’ve been changed…

when i talk to my students in class…all i can see are my own children in them, i see my students at one or two years old…so, it’s changed how i do things in my classroom…how i handle bad behaviors and challenging issues–because it’s harder to drop the hammer on a one-year-old…

now, some critics might say:

hey, d., you’ve lost your edge, man…

while i can see their point, i would disagree and say:

no, my edge is just different…it’s grown…it’s expanded…

i still ‘call kids out’ and hold them accountable, i just do it differently…my well is deeper, my heart is bigger…nowadays…i have a greater capacity to be compassionate and understanding–to be patient and merciful…

i have more grace to give…

hit me with your best shot

February 4, 2014 By in herding (my own) cats Tags: , , , , Leave a comment

along with the “i don’t wanna’s” and the “no’s” (as mentioned in the last post), another way that our twin’s behavior has turned is in the “physical aggression department”…

importantly, this is not the type of behavior that is described in the post titled love bites…this is different…this is intentional and deliberate aggression…

let me tell you about the first time that we saw this type of behavior in one of our kids…

well, it happened a couple of months ago, when the twins were 22 months old…we had just spent an hour visiting with a small group of people (that included family and friends)…we had been hanging out in our living room, having some snacks, and playing…it had been a good time…eventually, a few family members left and we were continuing to visit…

i remember looking across the room, my son and daughter were playing on the couch…at first everything was fine–they were laughing and having fun…my son had a thomas the train engine in his right hand and he was rolling it over one of the cushions…then, it happened…as i watched, i saw my son pull back his right arm, swing it towards my daughter and smash the train engine right into her face–hard…my daughter wailed and wailed…

and, i thought…

cinders and ashes!!! (the thomas the train version of profanity)

at this point, we took the train away from my son, scolded him, and set him in “time out” for 2 minutes…while our son was in “time-out”, we consoled our daughter…and when that was done, we brought my son out and talked to him for a minute (about what not to do) and had him ‘mend fences’ with our daughter…

it was the first time we had to discipline one of our kids for that kind of thing…and now that i think about it, it was the first time we had to discipline one of our kids for anything…since then, we’ve had to discipline them (yes, both son and daughter) for a variety of other aggressive actions…

because even the most innocent human beings, like these two, can take things too far…