silent night

December 22, 2013 By in herding (my own) cats Tags: , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

it will happen…you will have a time (or times) in your life, when something keeps you up at night…

for my wife and i, one of those times was when the twins showed up–the early months were truly nuts!!!

i remember, in the haze of those early days, my head hitting the pillow then bouncing back up–instantly…this would happen regularly because one of the twins was crying, hungry, or needed consolation…since we kept them on the same feeding schedule, we would be up a lot of nights on that front (my wife would breast-feed one and i would bottle-feed the other at the same time)…one morning, the sleepless nights became all too evident when my wife asked me, do you remember what you did last night?! (the one question that can strike fear in the heart of any husband)…i replied, uh, no, i don’t…she gave me a small smile and said, yeah,  i woke up to the sound of you shouting and rustling around in bed…she paused for dramatic effect…and said, i looked over to see you commando-crawling through the bed-sheets shouting, ‘i’ve got to get out of here, i’ve got to get out of here!’ (we still laugh about that night)…

…often times, i would be sitting up all night with one of the babies…then, glance at the clock and realize–hey, i’ve got to get ready for work…so, i would set the baby down, get cleaned up, go in and teach a full day…then, come home and do it all over again…and again…and again…i remember going into the bathroom one day at work…and, as i was washing my hands, i caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror–it was ugly, i looked like hell (i was sportin’ what could be best described as the post-apocalyptic, world war z zombie look)–jeepers!  unfortunately, i wasn’t the only one who realized the ‘state of things’ in our world…because as i was walking down the hall to the copy room, my colleague stopped me and asked, are you alright?! (his face showed genuine concern–with a sprinkling of the early stages of panic:)…i mumbled some indiscernible response and continued on…in a way that would make the undead proud…

i didn’t really know what tired was until that point in my life…

so, if you’re there, at that point in your life…in the midst of a storm…where something is keeping you up at night…i wish for you peace, rest, and a good night’s sleep…i wish for you a silent night…

prepare the way

December 17, 2013 By in herding (my own) cats Tags: , , , , , Leave a comment

it is the season of expectation and anticipation…

for my wife and i, it was nearly two years ago when we were preparing to welcome our twins into the world…

as we waited…we talked to people who had kids, we read books about having kids, my wife signed up for the moms of multiples club, we painted the nursery, we built cribs, and we absorbed the advice solicited and unsolicited from those who noticed the babies bump…

we even took classes…

classes that, at the time, seemed logical–want to learn something new??? take a class–my wife and i are educators after all (having that background might make you think we had an advantage–but, we didn’t)…there are a lot of things you can learn from school–however, what life will be like with twins is not one of them…such preparations seem laughable now…

one of the most bizarre classes we took was on breastfeeding–and yes, i went too…not that any amount of education would help me out on this front…so, the instructor gave us the basics and handed us our demo-babies–their eyes kinda creeped us out…you know the kind i’m talking about–they were the painted on ones that follow you around the room, we ‘were good’ once we had blindfolded both our fake-babies:) …then, the instructor proceeded to go on and on about the physical/emotional bonds of the woman and child (children in our case), how potent mother’s milk was and how very good it was for the health and well-being of the babies–somewhere along the way, she mentioned a football hold–where you snuggle in the babe just like it’s a pigskin–this gave me license to ‘not pay attention anymore’…

so, i checked out…my thoughts drifted to how the viking’s season might progress; to my favorite english premier league soccer team, liverpool, who were struggling at the time; to tests i hadn’t graded yet; to admonishing myself for failing to bring my trusty flask of jack daniel’s along to this circus; to a scene in a movie–you know the one i’m talking about–the one from the hand that rocks the cradle (where the nanny is breastfeeding kids that were not her own)…let’s just say, that scene takes on a whole new level of creepiness after a breastfeeding class!  interestingly, the instructor made breastfeeding seem like a snap…like it was one of the easiest things a new mom would be doing…in reality, it was the complete opposite in our experience–it was difficult, unnatural and something that made my wife snap!

another strange thing related to this was the off-hand comments other moms would make to my wife, like ‘i breast-fed for 6 months, it was no problem’ or ‘i was breastfeeding for nearly a year, it was such a special time’–the one-uppers came out of the woodwork around this time…i handled it maturely, like any adult would…and slashed the tires of their mini-vans…you may be able to breast-feed like the wind, sister, but let’s see how you do when you’ve got to walk your ass home?!

no, but seriously…there were all kinds of preparations made in the waiting time…things we thought would prepare us–but nothing did…the reality of it all was truly different–it was like a bomb went off in the center of our lives–and when the smoke cleared, it was harder than we could have imagined (ugh!), but more incredible and more amazing than we could have believed…

tradecraft…your voice (part V)

December 15, 2013 By in juvenile justice, tradecraft Tags: , , , , , , Leave a comment

make no mistake…talking to people, engaging with people who are coming at you with aggression and anger (and not losing control of yourself) is difficult…i was lucky to have people around me who showed me how to navigate those situations (by their example), friends and coworkers who showed me the way…

in my journey, herding cats…i learned three simple phrases to help me (get) back in control–these phrases were/are really important for me in my work with young people (no matter the setting)…i consider them to be gems…maybe you will too…

these phrases are called “deflectors”– and my favorites include:

regardless, never-the-less, and be that as it may

let me give you a scenario when these deflectors served me well…

the scenario that i am going to share took place at the school where i currently work at (as a high school teacher)…the school is part alternative high school and part career-technical education center–the students we instruct are from a variety of backgrounds and have had a variety of life expriences…some of the kids we teach are tough to work with and are resistant to authority and being in school–they are similar, in some regards, to what you would experience working in juvenile justice…

one day, during my first year of teaching, a female student had her phone out in class (this happens all the time, cell phones are one of the biggest distractions and disruptors in today’s classroom–and because of the disruptive nature of phones, we have classroom rules against having them out)…she was about two rows back, one student in a class of twenty…

so, i addressed her…(names have been changed to protect the innocent;)

me: alexis, can you please shut off your phone and put it away

(alexis did not respond to me, continued to have her phone out…and showed ‘what was on her phone’ to the girl sitting next to her–so, at this point, it wasn’t just her learning that was being affected, but those around her were being distracted as well)…

me: alexis, can you put your phone away

alexis: no, i don’t have to…i can be on it if i want

me: not true, you know the expectations…so, plea–

alexis (interrupts me and takes it to the next level): you’re fuckin’ bullshit, mr. d.

it’s funny, when certain things happen in class–everybody listens…this was one of those times…instantly, the class got “real quiet”…i’m pretty sure it was the most quiet my classroom has ever been (with students in it)…and at that moment, after she said what she had said, all of the students were looking at me…waiting… thinking…what’s he gonna do, now?! (you could read it on their faces)…

i had the same question, for a minute…then, my juvenile justice brain clicked on…and, luckily, i remembered the deflectors…at the same time, i told myself–stay calm…

(i took a deep breath)

me (my voice and tone were ‘even’): regardless, you need to follow my directions–you need to put away your phone…i’ll give you one minute to do so, if you don’t…i’ll take your daily points for today (each day, students earn daily points…it is a way they “get paid” in our career-tech programs)…

a minute came and went, then she responded–her response was original…

alexis (looked up from her phone and spoke–aggressively): you’re fuckin’ bullshit, mr. d.

me (still ‘even’ in voice and tone): never-the-less, we have work to do…put your phone away and let’s get to it…look, if you put your phone away now, you’ve only lost one day’s points and we’ll move on–don’t do it, continue on in this way, and i’ll take tomorrow’s…i’ll give you a minute to choose…

all throughout this exchange the class was transfixed, their eyes flicked between us–some heads swiveled back and forth (from me to her)…like they were watching a tennis match… at this moment, their attention turned back to her…

another minute came and went…and she responded again…

alexis: you’re fuckin’ bullshit, mr. d. (still with her phone out, still not complying)

at this point, what flashed through my mind…what i wanted to say was–no, you’re fuckin’ bullshit–bitch!!! (gives you an idea of just how twisted my mind is, right?!:)

but i didn’t say that…not “out loud” anyways…instead, i countered once again with my last deflector…

me (still calm): be that as it may, you know what you need to do…last chance, put your phone away or i’ll have to send you down to the resource room–for not complying with me and for the ‘disrespect’ (the resource room was a room where the school resource officer would meet with a student–a “time out”, if you will–nowadays we have a version of ISS were kids get sent, it is monitored by a regular staff member–not a school cop)

(she was a fighter, stubborn and unwilling to back down–and so, she came at me again)

alexis: you’re fuckin’ bullshit, mr. d.

(i exhaled)

me: ok, alexis, head on down to the resource room

she got up (with her phone, of course) and headed on down to the resource room…i took another deep breath and continued on with class…20 minutes later she came back to class and actually set her phone on my desk and got back to work…(later, i thanked the officer for “having my back”)…

interestingly, i never had a problem with her in class again and we got along well after that…

a few days after the incident, i was able to talk to her about what went wrong...to process the incident…to talk about expectations and consequences…to listen to her and what was going on with her…she explained to me that, at that moment, on that day…she was having a really hard time with things at school and in other classes (w/friends)–“it was all going to shit” (she told me)…turns out that her outburst had nothing to do with me, phones, or class rules and expectations…she was having a bad day–and, it just came out on me…

this is a really important part of the story…because, what happens often times is about something else…what is going down in a kid’s life (apart from you) is the origin or cause of the bad behavior…a good number of the kids we see have experienced (or are in the midst of) hard knocks…so, it’s really important to live up to and be the adult in those hard situations–and not take things personally…

it is not easy to do, situations like this are stressful, tense and hit you hard–and sometimes you fail in how you respond–your natural response is to lash out and strike back at the person who is hurting you…and in that space, you fail (i have failed enough times to know what i’m talking about here)…but, taking the high road–this should be your goal (how you want to handle things)…it’s what professionals do (most of the time)…

i sincerely believe that how i handled things in this situation rippled out, like waves when a stone is cast into a small, still pond…

she came at me hard, she was aggressive and disrespectful…but, because of those three simple phrases–i was able to stay above it, to speak to her with respect–to not take it personally and lose control…she felt that…and that’s why we were able to move on and continue life together in the classroom–that’s why we were able to maintain the relationship…at the same time, the other students felt those ripples…they saw how she treated me and they saw how i treated her…they felt it too…and afterwards, i felt that same wave wash over me in return–and, i held that good feeling, that good regard they had for me…until the end of the year and beyond…

it’s true that i used more than those phrases to maintain control…i combined them with choices (she had control too, or some sense of it)–giving options to kids you work with is key in navigating conflict; also, through these exchanges, i was reminding her of expectations that i had explained to the class at the beginning of the year and at other times in our journey together…she knew the score, she knew what could happen…it was no surprise…

while choices and expectations are important in this kind of work as well…i cannot overstate the power of these three deflectors…they are gems…they are fine tools of this trade…

i hope they serve you well, too…

recommended readings: back in control by gregory bodenhmer, 1984 (it’s where i got the three phrases from (during a training at the idaho youth ranch)–this book has a lot of really good information in regards to working with difficult young people!); verbal judo: the gentle art of persuasion by george j. thompson, ph.d, 2004 (a book i’ve mentioned before and one that is required reading for anyone in any setting who wants to learn how to talk to people, persuade others, and navigate difficult interactions!); a wizard of earthsea by ursula k. le guin, 1969 (the first book in a fiction/sci-fi/fantasy epic series…in the tradition of the lord of the rings–a parable about what happens when you speak something into the world–profound!)

tradecraft…your voice (part IV)

December 2, 2013 By in juvenile justice, tradecraft Tags: Leave a comment

most of the time, i worked with individuals like dom (see last post), who cared a lot about kids and did the job the right way–with integrity and fairness…when they spoke to kids they did so in a way that conveyed…

basic human dignity and respect…

i learned a lot from people who used their voices like that…who spoke from that perspective or point of origin…and i tried to adopt that approach in my own work…

however, there were times when i saw the opposite kind of style, the dark side of the voice…here’s a real-life scenario that exemplifies the dark side…

one day, i arrived on shift at cooper village (the juvenile group home i mentioned in the previous post) and there was tension in the air–you could just feel it…then i heard it…a female staff member, speaking to one of the juvenile males in our care…her tone and volume were heightened…i hadn’t been there but a minute, so i didn’t know what had transpired prior to my arrival, but i knew her and i knew how she talked to kids (typically)–there was always a sharpness to her voice, a tone that set the kids and other staff on edge…and it always made a shift with her a little more challenging (most of the women i’ve worked with were very skilled at using their voices to communicate with young people–i always felt that they had an innate advantage over “us guys”, she was the exception to the rule)…

so, i by-passed the commons area and made my way to the office to set my gear down and sign-in for the shift…thinking…great, she’s “teeing up” the kids for our shift…gonna be a fun night…

i dropped off my gear and spoke to another coworker in the office, sounds like things are getting heated? …he rolled his eyes and nodded to the commons area and said, are you surprised?  we had seen it happen before…i took a deep breath and walked back out to the commons area, the female staff member was cleaning up something from snack time, but still jawing with the juvenile– who was sitting on a couch across the room from her (the juvenile’s tone was getting sharp as well)…she whispered something to me like, he didn’t complete his chores and is now out in the commons–he needs to get it done…

why don’t you let me give it a try (talking to him), i said quietly, so only she could hear me…

she shrugged and then got on him again to do what she wanted (her tone was edgy and her impatience was showing–her face was red and showed irritation and anger)…i was already done with her…so, i started speaking to him to support her in getting him to do what she wanted him to, but at the same time trying to get him to do it without ‘setting him off’…

my philosophy (and the philosophy of the other people i worked with) was…we can get physical, go ‘hands on’, go ‘all the way’ if we have to…but, it’s not our goal, if we can get things accomplished–confront, redirect, and lead the kids through their daily routines without the use of force–then that’s what we’d prefer to do…

unfortunately, i was late to the party…and by this time, i was just another voice on his case…so, he chirped something at me like, she’s been on me since she got here – his blood was up and rising higher by the minute…

his comment emboldened her and the course she was on…and she went at him pretty hard, telling him what he should’ve done this morning, what he still hadn’t done…it was a mini-tirade…i was thinking, what did i walk into?! i glanced behind me, and saw my other coworker propped up against the wall, we exchanged a knowing look…

this is gonna get ugly…

and then it did…the juvenile had had enough…and he launched out of his sitting position, towards the female staffer…i got in his way–and instantly–my partner was at my side and we grabbed his arms and yelled “clear the floor”–the directive commanding the other juveniles to quickly find their rooms (they scattered like mice and the female staffer backed away near the office)–truth be told, the kid went absolutely ballistic–flailing, yelling and swearing…we couldn’t control him in the standing position (he was a big kid…more than six feet tall and about 170 pounds)…trying to control someone standing up is difficult, if not impossible (it’s no surprise that the FBI reports that “more than 70% of use of force scenarios end up on the ground–in a grappling or ground fighting event”)…so, we tried to get him on the ground, but he was twisting and turning and full of juice–so, we called for her to call for backup…while they were en route, he ‘slipped our grip’ several times, but we managed to control him, momentarily, against a wall–though he was still bucking against our “holds” and railing against her…

moments before backup arrived, we got him down to the ground, but it wasn’t pretty…he was continuing to thrash and scream and fight…when the others arrived, we each grabbed a limb and held him tight to the floor in the standard restraint position…my partner spoke to him in a calm voice…eventually (about 20 minutes later), we were able to talk him down and get him under control…not too long after that, we got him to agree to walk down to the “time-out room” where we could continue to process with him…at this point, i looked up and around–i didn’t see the female staffer anywhere…i thought, where is she now–set him off and let the rest of us clean up your mess?!

all the parties involved had to document the incident…

the next day, his social worker came down to address the incident and review the consequences that the female staffer had outlined for his punishment…when she came on the unit and into the office, i was quick to follow–i asked for a moment of her time and closed the door to the office…after a couple of minutes of casual conversation about the incident…i finally said…

yeah, the juvenile bears some responsibility for what ‘went down’, no doubt–he could’ve handled things a lot better, responded differently…but, she could’ve too…i reviewed the earlier logs, talked to other staff members and was there when “it went down”–she “set him off” and his consequences should be tempered on that count…

she agreed…

the point of this story is that you can use your voice negatively–and escalate, insult, disrespect, and anger kids just as easily as you can use your voice in the opposite fashion–positively and professionally…there is always that potential in any human encounter…

have i been sharp, short, impatient, or used negative and disrespectful speech towards juveniles? absolutely…i’m human and i’ve made mistakes–but, i don’t live there…

we all have bad moments and bad days…and it definitely happens in this line of work–on occasion–but, those moments and those days don’t define you…hopefully…however, if it happens to you more often than not…or you intentionally ‘go there’, to extremes (like the woman in the above scenario)…this is not the line of work you should be pursuing… because…

we’re looking for a few good voices…

tradecraft…your voice (part III)

November 24, 2013 By in juvenile justice, tradecraft Tags: , , , Leave a comment

when you witness someone use their voice like i mentioned in the last post, you feel like you’re seeing something extraordinary…something that borders on the supernatural…

here’s a story from the trenches that illustrates what i mean…

years ago, i worked at cooper village–a juvenile group home in omaha, nebraska (i love omaha, by the way, it’s one of the easiest towns to feel at home in–show up twice at the same bar in omaha and you’re a regular–can’t beat that!  of all of the bars i visited in omaha, my favorite (hands down)…was the homy inn (classic)–two visits were just not enough when it came to this place, cheers!:)

anyways…at this juvenile group home, we worked with a variety of kids who had low-level criminal offenses on their records, other delinquency, alcohol and drug problems, and family issues…it was a minimum secure group home…

one day, a kid comes running down the living quarters hallway–he is shouting and swearing just outside our staff office…trailing behind him, is his staff (our living unit was connected to their housing section and today the door between the residences was open, which was common)…so, upon hearing this, my partner and i come out of our office and approach the youth, thinking ok, we’re gonna have to take this kid down… restraints/ ‘takedowns’ are a part of juvenile justice-fun!:) …but before we get that far, we get a knowing look from his staff (dom)–his eyes say, wait…all the while this kid is pacing back and forth–swearing and muttering that he’s gonna hurt someone…

at that point, dom takes up a position nearby and begins talking to the kid (close enough to jump in on a takedown, if needed, but not too close–like us, he was giving the kid some room to move…the habits of nonverbal interaction)…immediately the kid dials in to dom’s voice and what he’s saying (though the kid is still pacing)…dom continues to talk to him in a calm, reassuring voice…

dom: i know about the phone call you just got, i understand why you’re upset, i would be upset, too…

the kid paces and swears some more…

(dom sticks with it)

dom: i know you’re upset, but right now you’re ‘still good’…you haven’t let it get the best of you, you haven’t let it ‘get out of hand’…it’s what you do next that matters the most–you know that we’ve got an event scheduled for tomorrow and right now, you’re on the list for an off site trip to the library–that hasn’t changed, yet…i know you want to go on that trip, i know you want to get off-site for a few hours, so let me help you get there…

the kid is now moving side to side, facing dom–the kid is still agitated…still looks like he could escalate and ‘take it to the next level’ at any moment…bounce off the walls (or us) and what not, a la parkour…

(but, dom is persistent and continues)

dom: i want you to listen to me, i want you to follow my instructions, ok?  i am going to help you, i want you to lay down on the ground, i want you to lay down on your stomach…

i’m thinking, yeah right–let’s just grab this kid…come on?!

…a couple more minutes go by and the kid is still upright, moving side to side (and still upset)…so, dom repeats his directives…then, the unbelievable happens–the kid complies!!!  he crouches down on his knees, puts his arms out in front of him, touches the ground, and eases himself down (on his stomach)…

dom: that’s good, that’s right…now, slide your arms out a bit, that’s it–now, turn your palms up…good…

the kid continues to comply (and is now laying on the ground in the typical restraint position)…

dom: relax, just breathe…that’s good…

dom crouches down next to the kid and continues to talk to him, continues to calm him down…fifteen minutes later, the juvenile is calm and back in control…dom helps him up and they walk back to his housing unit together…

later, i found dom, shook his hand and told him, “damn, dude…i’ve never seen anything like that–awesome–nice work!”–it was the coolest takedown i’d ever seen…honestly, i was still in shock and thinking, what just happened?!…he had taken a kid down without raising a hand-he had taken a kid down with just his voice…

skills and tactics like this have been referred to as verbal judo and such a designation is appropriate…

critics might say…”well, dom had a rapport and a relationship with the kid and that’s why he did what he was told”…i wouldn’t disagree with their emphasis on “the two R’s”–they are definitely an important part of the de-escalation process–but, how do rapport and relationships happen?  through communication, social interaction, and repeated verbal exchange…rapport is established and relationships are built…”the two R’s” are part of the communication continuum, if you will…and when combined with the words, tone, and volume of someone who knows how to talk to others, how to use their voice effectively …sometimes…amazing things can happen!

tradecraft…your voice (part II)

November 21, 2013 By in tradecraft Tags: , , Leave a comment

communication is one topic that is so important to working with kids (or to working with people, in general) that spending “just one” post on it won’t do…so, welcome to this mini-series on your voice…

and i can’t talk about the power of your voice without making mention of or tipping my cap to one of the most powerful voices i’ve ever met–the voice of my mother-in-law…

this woman can talk, i’m pretty sure she invented words–and, if not words, persuasive speaking…by merely saying, ‘hi, how are you?’ (press play on the minnesota accent) she has been moved (instantly) from coach to first class seating on a plane, been switched from an average hotel room to the penthouse suite, received free food and drinks, you name it…it won’t surprise you to know that her voice has had the same effect on our kids, their cousins, and other small ones…with her words, she can move and direct them in ways that i never knew was possible…it is unbelievable–she has a gift and it is something to see! one of the things that makes her voice so compelling is the fact that she uses it to (authentically) engage and connect with others–what happens is a kind of instant rapport…you feel like you’ve known her for years…

the way she talks is impressive, and honestly, it reminds me of something i’ve seen before…when a guy named obi-wan kenobi…used the jedi mind trick…

importantly, your voice is a tool you can develop and fine-tune, over time–something that will serve you well in this kind of work…whether a coach, youth director, juvenile justice worker, teacher, etc…your voice can redirect and focus, inspire and influence, de-escalate and manage,  instruct and build up kids that you are working with each and every day…your voice can be a powerful force…

tradecraft…your voice (part I)

November 18, 2013 By in tradecraft Tags: , , , , , Leave a comment

i remember inviting my parents to come to a soccer game that i was coaching…

i had visited my parents at their jobs, and i thought it was ‘pretty eye-opening’ to see them in action–they worked hard, enjoyed what they did and had the respect of their colleagues…nowadays they’re retired and living in a retirement community that caters to veterans/ex-service men and women–so they spend their days driving the posted speed limit-“13 mph” (they live in one of the colonies), drinking margaritas at the daily happy hour event, and loungin’ in their soft clothes🙂

anyways…back then…i wondered what they would think of me as a coach…

they showed up before kick-off and stayed for the whole game; afterwards, my mom said (wide-eyed), they really listened and responded to you?! …it was a compliment, but she sounded incredulous, almost like she couldn’t believe what she saw:)

truth be told, i didn’t know i had it in me either…i didn’t know that i was capable of “coaching” until i started doing it…interestingly, she identified one of the most important tools available to someone who herds cats for a living…

communication…

at that moment, i realized that i had this tool in my toolbox–i could talk to kids, i could encourage them, i could motivate them…i could use my words, i could use my voice–to influence them (and i liked it)…

i think apollo creed liked it too…

where i’ve been…

November 16, 2013 By in observations Tags: , Leave a comment

i grew up in a miltary family, my sister and i are air force brats…

this experience influenced me in a lot of ways, including in my work with youth…

when you grow up like this, you are often on the go–from place to place every few years–and your normal is “change”…you meet people, become friends, have experiences together, then move on…(from 6th – 12th grade i was at five different schools–and before then, at other schools in other towns)…during this time, the one constant in your life is your immediate family (for me, this included dad, mom, and sister)…they are your rock, your home…because for you and other military brats…home is not and has not been a physical place or location…

living life in this way lent itself to some amazing experiences–seeing different parts of the country, seeing different parts of the world (we lived in japan for three years)–and in these places, we had the opportunity to meet all kinds of different and interesting people; we had ‘our minds blown’ (in really good ways) as youngsters–it was an adventure onto itself…on the flip side, there are challenging experiences too–like instability, repeatedly having to “start-over”, self-doubt, and being the outsider to the “new place”…

such an experience is summed up well by sociologist georg simmel (in his work on individuality and social forms)…“In the case of the stranger, the union of closeness and remoteness involved in every human relationship is patterned in a way that may be succinctly formulated as follows: the distance within this relation indicates that one who is close by is remote, but his ‘strangeness’ indicates that one who is remote is near” (Levine, 1971).

while the lifestyle of the military brat provides a heightened sense and feeling of being the stranger, of peripheral-living (so to speak)–i don’t think this is unique to the military brat…but a common, everyday experience for anyone who has been (or is) a teenager…living (day in and day out) with the questions…am i accepted? do they like me? do i belong?

it’s in this space where my past meets their present…that i am able to engage and relate to kids that i might not be able to, had i not had that kind of experience growing up…it is a sweet spot for me…

q: how does your past impact your present day life? how do your experiences inform what you do???

love bites…

November 8, 2013 By in herding (my own) cats, observations Tags: , , , 6 Comments

while i have picked up some ‘tricks of the trade’ when it comes to working with other people’s kids…it is a whole different ballgame when it comes to my own…

basically, when it comes to herding (my own) cats, i have no idea what i’m doing…

sure, in the past, i’ve been kicked, punched, elbowed, grabbed, pushed, bitten, scratched, spit at, and swore at by young people in my charge…but, i hadn’t experienced any of these shenanigans by the little ones i had helped bring into the world, by my own offspring …until they started biting…it was something i wasn’t ready for and it rattled my cage a bit…

my son was the primary offender…and this kind of thing happened a lot before he could really talk or make words or knew how to show affection…at this time, if he was excited he would run at you (full speed), tackle you, and bite you–hard…often times, i felt like one of those poor victims attacked by the angst-ridden, brooding, pale-faced vampire kids in the twilight series…anyways, in one of his most exuberant fun-loving moments, my son bit his cousin–his cousin didn’t feel the love…so, we separated my son from his cousin and i gave my son a stern word…but, was that enough?

my daughter, of course, was not to be upstaged by my son’s antics…so, one day, she took her own pound of flesh…it was a day that started out as a normal one in our household …we had just finished a breakfast that included thawed/toasted/ buttered/syrupy waffles, diced fruit, milk, and random three-day-old cheerios that the kids scraped off the kitchen floor…

satiated, my daughter and i were playing on the living room floor, having a good ole time wrestling around and laughing…at one point during the melee, i rolled over to hide from her saying, “where did daddy go?”–and then it happened–she bit me, right between the shoulder blades–it hurt…so, i squawked, i screamed, i yelled– “stop it, let go!”…in my insulated, child-proof cranium it went more like “stop it, let fuckin’ go!” (it was a minor miracle that i didn’t shout it out loud) anyways, while she was clamped down on the skin of my back, i was twisting and turning–trying to reach behind me and grab ahold of her…but, she was elusive and determined and i couldn’t quite reach her…as i flailed about on the ground, images of jurassic park filled my head–you know the part, where the guy is mauled by the flesh-eating baby dinosaurs…

i was thinking–i’m not going make it out of here alive…

somehow, i endured and survived and got loose of her…i told her, “don’t do that” and she cried –i thought what just happened? why do they keep biting? what can we do to make them stop?  what else could i do besides separating them and giving them a stern word? 

then, i thought back to the day when we first picked up our twins at that curiosity shop in chinatown…now, what did that guy tell me?!

no, but seriously, i realized that there are some things in life that there isn’t a playbook for, or instructions not included moments…i also realized, hey, these guys are one–what do they know? they like you, they bite you…that’s how they show their affection, their love–they’ve got love bites…it’s a phase…we’re movin’ on…