Category Archives: tradecraft

tradecraft…boundaries (part I)

August 1, 2014 By in tradecraft Tags: , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

boundaries: preface

one of the best things that an adult…who is working with kids (and especially, an adult who is raising kids)…can do–to bring up responsible young people–is to give their toddlers, children, and teens boundaries…even their ‘tweens’ in a lot cases–especially, when you consider that the pre-frontal cortex isn’t fully developed until people are on their way past ‘legal adulthood’ as defined by state laws…you know the part of the brain i’m talking about…the part that controls impulsive behavior and the ability to make good decisions 🙂

in my opinon, all kids need boundaries…expecting a kid to function positively and responsibly in the world without good boundaries is like expecting a house to stand without a solid foundation…it’s just not gonna happen, folks…

one of my favorite gems on this topic comes from child and family expert, dr. david walsh:

“it’s a kid’s job to test limits, it’s our job (responsible parents and other adults) to set limits–in saying ‘no’ to our kids…we are (hopefully) teaching them to say ‘no’ to themselves (some day)” (walsh, 2014)…

importantly, one of the single most important ‘trade skills’ in working effectively with young people is establishing good and reasonable boundaries for kids to know and follow…i mean, how can any teacher, counselor, para, social worker, coach, youth leader, juvenile justice worker, or parent instruct a young person if that young person is doing what they want to do when they want to do it…with no regard for anyone else around them?!

this is a part of instructing our youth that we need to return to wholeheartedly and fearlessly in our society, in america…i would argue that there’s never been a more important time for us to get back to the ‘world of boundaries’ than right now…because it’s something we’ve strayed away from…and we can see the results reflected in how young people see themselves and act in the world today…it’s not a pretty sight…

so, with that…we begin a new series on boundaries…

stay tuned…

[i would like give a special ‘shout out’ to family friend and proud parent of two, rachel s.–who called for some special attention to this subject back when i wrote the post titled, ‘know your role’–so, while it’s a bit late in coming…this series is for you, sister! cheers!]

beyond tradecraft

July 18, 2014 By in faith stories, tradecraft Tags: , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

“you do not need to know precisely what is happening, or exactly where it is all going…what you need is to recognize the possibilities and challenges offered by the present moment, and to embrace them with courage, faith and hope.”
― thomas merton

one of the toughest kids i ever worked with (he’s on my top 25 list of all-time toughies-coming in at #25) was a high school student i encountered at summer camp…the place was the outdoor lutheran camp called luther heights bible camp (mentioned in several previous posts) and the summer was 1995…

note: just because you’re working at a bible camp doesn’t mean all the kids you meet are angels 🙂

anyways, up until this point, my experiences working with kids included working one-on-one with an at-risk, elementary school student in an after school mentoring program (for two semesters in college) and coaching soccer at sports camps (for four summers)…i had not yet delved into the world of juvenile justice, church youth work, or teaching…

i was an apprentice…

at herding cats

and he was a master…

at defiance 

and he was in my cabin group for the week…meaning, i was his counselor for the week…so, i was responsible for leading him and about 12 other high school boys through each day at camp (at the same time, there were about seven or eight other on-site cabins filled with the same number of high school students and a counselor)…the days would include games, challenge activities, morning/evening worship (a super-scaled down version of what you might encounter at an elca lutheran church on a sunday morning–to this day, i still prefer it to the formal sunday church stuff;), hikes, an overnight, special interest activities, talent show, bible study, etc…

usually, high school week is one of the best weeks of the summer…i mean, you’ve got kids who you can reason with and have relatively serious conversations with…ones who get your jokes…and often, ones who are really engaging and give you hope for the future of the world at large;) …but, this week was a tough one for me…because of carl (his name has been changed for this story)…

and no one could predict or foresee what was to transpire…at the end of our week together (and beyond)…it was unimaginable…it was unbelievable…or, so i thought…

anyways…

right away, when he got to camp, he had a major attitude–especially with anyone in authority–which revealed itself in an edgy tone and (sometimes) harsh language…i got the feeling that he had come through some hard knocks…given this, carl took up most of my time and energy that week…it began on sunday afternoon (that’s when the kids arrived–the typical week went from sunday – friday)…and each day his demeanor seemed to get progressively worse…no matter what we were doing–he opposed it, was non-compliant…and worse, tried to get the other guys in the cabin to follow his lead and join his rebellion against me…interestingly, he was quite charismatic and had a bit of charm–(his face reminded me of a young leonardo dicaprio–i didn’t care for the young dicaprio much either;)…so, he had some influence among the other guys…which doubled-down on the challenges for the week…

funny thing–this was summer camp…about as far as you can get from the responsibilities of work or school or home…so much of what we did every day was really fun…and it was that fact that made the whole week together so much more exhausting…in retrospect, carl’s behavior was a lot like that of my 2 year-old son…who says ‘no’ to just about everything i tell him to do…even if it’s the most fun thing in the world…that’s exactly what carl said to me…’no, no, no, no, no’…for 16 waking hours a day for an entire week…

by mid-week, the rest of the staff knew what i was up against…there were a couple of instances when the program director (kt) met with him and he received consequences for his behaviors…but, he was undeterred…he kept coming…

and all i could think about was friday…when the week would be over…for me, it couldn’t come soon enough…

over the course of the week, my fellow counselors supported me the best they could and i tried to keep a positive attitude…and hang in there with him…but my resolve was fading…

he seemed unreachable…

then, thursday night arrived…

we came to the final evening worship of the week…the one that usually carries a little more weight, because it’s the last one of the week and the kids will leave the next morning…and go back home…

honestly, i don’t remember worship being anything special that night…that doesn’t necessarily mean that it was lacking in any major way–more likely, it was because i was lacking…i was fried-stick a fork in me, i’m done! 

so, worship came and went…and we were dismissed to our cabins…

as i was herding my group towards the trail that led to our cabin, i realized that carl was not with us…so, i looked back to the fire ring where we had been seated for worship…and i could see him in the firelight, sitting there, like a statue…my first thoughts were, what now?! are you serious?!  so, you’re gonna take it to the limit?!

quickly, i caught the attention of one of my fellow counselors (one who was on support staff and didn’t have a cabin that week–all of the counseling staff had to serve a rotation on support staff…where they would help with cleaning dishes, maintenance, meals, leading random games and activities, preparing campfires, etc) and asked him to take my guys back to our cabin…

i watched my guys head back up the trail for a moment, then i turned back to the fire ring…i took a deep breath and walked back to where carl was sitting…and sat down right next to him…

i asked him…

so, what’s going on?

there was a moment of silence…then, i heard him…

carl started crying…it was the full-on, shoulder-shaking kind…

so, i sat there…waiting…

after a while, he said…

i’m so sorry, i’m so sorry for the way i’ve been acting–for the way i treated you…all week…

[i couldn’t believe what i was hearing, i was floored]

after a moment, i said…

it’s alright, don’t worry about it…

we talked for a little while longer…and he gathered himself together…after a while, we headed back to the cabin…the next day, it was like he was a whole new kid…no attitude…we were good…except for the fact that i was in complete and total shock at what had happened…

later that morning…his ride came, we said ‘our goodbyes’ and he headed home…

i thought that was the end of the story…but, it wasn’t…

…

one year later…

i was walking through camp (i went back again, in the summer of 1996, for tour #2) when i heard someone call out my name…

hey, dett!

[since there was another dave working at camp they called me ‘dett’–short for my last name: dettmann]

in response, i turned around and was surprised to see a face i would never forget–it was carl…so, i spoke up in earnest…

hey, carl, how’s it going?!

we talked for several minutes, he was enthusiastic and positive…then, he said…

good to see you, dett…hey, i’ve got to go…got to get back to my campers…

i was confused by what he said, so i asked…

campers?! 

he responded with a smile and said…

yeah, i’m one of the counselors for my church group that’s up here this weekend…look, i gotta get back (some churches utilized the camp for their own programs at times during the summer-usually when we were running a smaller camp on-site–as was the case this weekend)…

immediately, he took off after his campers…and i stood there in the middle of the trail, dumbstruck…

to this day, i am still struck by what happened all those years ago…by the realization that while we can do great things in the world…sometimes, what happens is beyond anything we can do ourselves…or, beyond any special talent or skill we might have…sometimes, what happens is truly extraordinary…

so, in closing, i would like to share this poem with you…forwarded to me by my friend/pastor katie sanders…i think it comes the closest to capturing what this experience means to me…

a future not our own

[by ken untener]

it helps now and then to step back and take a long view.
the Kingdom is not only beyond our efforts,
it is beyond our vision.

we accomplish in our lifetime only a fraction
of the magnificent enterprise that is God’s work.
nothing we do is complete, which is another way of
saying that the Kingdom always lies beyond us.
no statement says all that could be said.
no prayer fully expresses our faith. no confession
brings perfection, no pastoral visit brings wholeness.
no program accomplishes the church’s mission.
no set of goals and objectives include everything.

this is what we are about. we plant the seeds that one
day will grow. we water the seeds already planted
knowing that they hold future promise.
we lay foundations that will need further development.
we provide yeast that produces effects
far beyond our capabilities.

we cannot do everything, and there is a sense of
liberation in realizing this.
this enables us to do something, and to do it very well.
it may be incomplete, but it is a beginning,
a step along the way, an opportunity for the Lord’s
grace to enter and do the rest.
we may never see the end results, but that is the
difference between the master builder and the worker.

we are workers, not master builders, ministers, not
messiahs.

we are prophets of a future not our own.

tradecraft…the “ten attitude” part II

July 2, 2014 By in tradecraft Tags: , , , , , , , Leave a comment

in the weeks before summer comes, i get that old feeling again…

wouldn’t it be great to work at camp again?!

it’s a thought that bursts into my head every single time, as i drive out to work, during the ‘pre-summer days’…because the road i take to work goes west and west is where camp is…in the sawtooth wilderness of idaho (one of the most beautiful outdoor areas in the united states)…and when i’m ‘aimed in that direction’ i think, i could just drive a little further, a few more miles–out to camp…then, i remember that i have a wife and twins…

🙂

the camp i’m talking about is luther heights bible camp…and i worked there for six summers (to the chagrin of my parents:)…i remember my thoughts going into my first summer there…i’ll just work here for one summer–yeah, right…

in my summers there, i worked as a counselor, travel staff director (for day camps), and finally as an assistant program director…and–in addition to working at skyhawk’s sports academy (summer soccer camps), my time at luther heights was instrumental for me…in developing my skills and abilities herding cats…

this was especially true when we had kids attend our on-site programs…where we would be with them for 24 hours a day/six days a week…during these intense on-site weeks, it was impossible not to learn a lot about talking to, relating to, and engaging with kids (from the elementary level to high school kids)…

the days would include a morning/evening worship, games, crafts, bible study, nature activities, singing, skits, campfires, storytelling, hikes, challenge course activities, etc…

during these summers, i had the pleasure of working with such amazing and fun people…living and working in community together…kt, adam, chris & chris, e.j., beth, kari, kate h., hilary, nathan, matt, mary, debbie, nat, megan, holly, aaron, mark, jp, eric, jeff, jordan, brian, steve, heather, jon, maren, chelsea, laura, carol, and–of course–big e [see post titled, big e]

working at luther heights doubled-down on the importance of the ten attitude…i realized pretty quickly that my attitude could make or break the week, it was a counselor’s most important tool–especially, during those weeks when the kids didn’t go home at the end of the day…

because…

why should the kids care about what we’re doing, if we don’t?!

tradecraft…your voice (part VII)

June 2, 2014 By in teaching and coaching, tradecraft Tags: , , , , 1 Comment

“if at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.” ― steven wright

i love the above quote from steven wright…it is something that we can all relate to because no one likes to talk about failure or have their failures known…including me…but, that’s what this post is about…a time when i messed it up…

here’s the story…

a few weeks ago, a kid came into class–we’ll call him ‘jacob’–running his mouth, like he was known to do…this time, jacob was ‘going off’ about how he hated the school resource officer and how the ‘school cop’ was always on his case…his tone set me on edge from the get go…and it went downhill from there…

every year, there is one kid who can push your buttons like no other, really get under your skin, you know…it can get to the point that every time you hear the sound of their voice (regardless of the words) it feels like someone’s pulled out a tattoo needle and started digging in, started working over your nerves like nobody’s business…imagine that kind of thing happening nearly every day for nine months…then you’ll have an idea of what it’s been like, this year, with jacob…

and it’s the kind of thing that can drive even the most seasoned teacher to the brink…could also be one of the reasons why nearly half (46%) of all new teachers in america leave after the first five years (dr. david walsh (lecture), 2014; ‘american teacher’ documentary, 2011; national education association publication, 2008)…that fact alone should be enough to raise alarm bells across the country and is probably an issue worth returning to in a later post [note to self]…

anyways…

class was moving along and we working on an interactive observation activity…students were moving around the room and working with other students to complete their tasks…jacob wasn’t working, in fact, he was standing near some other boys and they began arguing over which branch of service was the best, and it was getting heated…i told them to ‘take it easy’ and focus on their tasks (it was the second or third time that i had to redirect these gentlemen during this block), but it didn’t slow down or stop their debate…they continued on and it got more personal…to the point where other students were beginning to be affected by what they were saying…

it was disrespectful, they way they were talking to each other…and disruptive…especially, the remarks that jacob was making…

and, i was done…

so, i launched out of my desk chair and came around my desk with a full head of steam and shouted:

enough! that’s enough!  jacob, just sit down and shut up!

immediately, i realized what i had said…it was like i could see the words floating over the desks in the classroom…like a bubble hovering over a cartoon character in the sunday comics…in that instant, i wished i hadn’t said those two words… “shut up”…

but, i couldn’t take it back…it was too late…

in that moment, the room went completely quiet…but, not the good kind of quiet…if you work around people (as a profession) you know exactly what i’m talking about…it was a quiet that resulted from a slap in the face, a cheap shot…

we finished off the class and i finished off the rest of my day, then headed home for the weekend…

the next day, my wife, kids, and i went out to breakfast with our friend joy…

during breakfast, i shared the story i just shared with you…after i was done…joy said, these things can happen, you know?

there was a bit of a pause in the conversation…

[you should know that joy’s a teacher…she’s been doing it a long time (longer than my wife and i) & she’s really good at it]

the next thing joy asked was…

joy: when did it happen?

me: on friday…

there was another pause…then, joy looked at me and said…

joy: it’s not too late, you can still apologize…

i guess it was my turn to get slapped in the face…because that’s exactly what it felt like when she said that to me…at the time, i said something like, yeah, ok…but, deep down i was pissed…thinking…

the hell you say, joy?! apologize?! you’ve got some nerve saying that to me, this kid needed ‘a talking to’!

[you can see that i was continuing the same mature attitude and mindset that i had demonstrated the day before…heh, heh]

anyways, i thought a lot about what she had said…and it went around in my head for about 48 hours…i thought about what i had said and done, i thought about my actions in the classroom that day…akin to looking into a good mirror…a kind of mirror that can show you the truth…reflect back the good, bad, and ugly things about yourself..and in this case, it was a painful process…

i thought about it right up until the time that jacob and his class were to arrive for monday’s lessons…

so, they came in and we went through a regular class…it was all routine–no issues or problems…at the end of class, i dismissed everyone…everyone but jacob…who i called up to my desk…

here’s what happened…

me: hey, i wanted to talk to you about friday and what went on…

jacob: o.k….

[i breathed in]

me: i wanted to apologize for what i said, for how i acted…

jacob: hey, d., it’s no problem, it’s all good, man…

me: no, it’s not o.k….it wasn’t o.k. for me to talk to you like that, it was disrespectful…telling you to ‘shut up’…you know, it’s not something i usually say, i broke one of my own rules there…and, i’m sorry… 

jacob: no worries, d., we’re good…but, i really appreciate you saying that anyways…

then, he left the room…

in the silence of the room, i knew that joy had been right…that i needed to do something that i didn’t want to…even though it was the right thing to do, even though i knew i was the one who made the mistake–in how i responded to him, in how i used my voice…because despite that saying we all learned long ago: sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me…we found out, pretty early on in life, that that saying is bullshit…words can hurt, words can cut deep…and saying the words ‘shut-up’, like i did, may not seem like an offense to some…but, i knew it was just that–it was a violation of a rule i have for myself, as a professional educator–a rule i have for myself as one who ‘herds cats’ professionally (especially since a good portion of the kids we work with are ‘talked to’ like that at home)…and like i told jacob, i broke it…and because of that, i knew i had to apologize…

so, with that…how have you used your voice?  how will you use your voice in the future?

important questions to ask, because in this line of work–herding cats…your voice can be a force for good or for ill…

[interestingly, the next day, when jacob and his class returned again…the air was a lot lighter…the edges had been softened…and jacob regarded me a bit better than he had in the past, more positively, i could feel the difference…]

“success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”                                                                                       ― winston churchill

tradecraft…your voice (part VI)

May 28, 2014 By in tradecraft Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

i spent three years working in youth ministry (christian setting)…

well, what does that mean?  

it means that you work in a youth program at a local church…planning and organizing activities, events, community service projects and opportunities for spiritual growth and development–for elementary, middle school, and high school youth–basically, you try to connect to children and youth in a church setting…

it can be a great job because of the relationships that can develop with youth and families in the church community…you can connect with individuals and families at a level that is just not possible in some settings and that is an amazing thing…but it can also be a challenging job…because most parents and families have really high expectations about what they think you should be doing for their kids (this is especially true in churches with large youth programs)…and it’s been my experience that, while a parent might be hesitant to approach a pastor with a complaint or criticism, they don’t have the same restraint when it comes to you (the youth director) and they’re very likely to let you know what they think of you and your work (sometimes, in some of the most un-christian ways you can imagine–where is the love?!)…i’ve worked in prisons and in churches and the same ‘rule of thumb’ applies to both settings — watch your back...i am certain that there is a sociological dissertation waiting to be written on “life behind the scenes at a local church”…

anyways, we’re movin’ on…

one summer, we (the senior high youth director and i–i was the junior high leader) took a group of 40 high school students and 12 adults to new york city for a week (our church was based in omaha, nebraska)…the week was primarily focused on community service projects…there were also some recreational activities mixed-in during the afternoons and evenings…for fun, we went to central park, times square, the today show, battery park, chinatown, and the statue of liberty…and we also went to ground zero (not for fun, but just to see it…the location where one of the 9/11 attacks happened–it was the kind of thing that knocks you on your ass when you see it, i’ll never forget it)…anyways, our service-partner organization in new york city was called ysop (ysop = youth service opportunities project)…so, while we were in new york city, we stayed at a hostel and each day ysop would send us out in small groups (by way of mass transit) to a different work project in a different borough (the bronx, queens, brooklyn, etc) in new york [their main focus is to send out volunteers to work with the homeless and the hungry–which is what we did!]

quick note: i’ve participated in a lot of service experiences in my life…and this one was, by far, one of the best mission trips i’ve ever been on…ysop runs a highly organized, efficient, and ‘legit’ operation…i would recommend their organization to anyone wanting to bring young people to serve in new york city while fully experiencing the realities of the boroughs…check ysop out at:  http://www.ysop.org/

[i know…there’s a lot of background to this story…but, we’re getting there...to ‘the voice’ part, i promise…hang tough;)]

so, it was wednesday…mid-week in our experience…we had been working hard and playing hard (seeing a lot of sites), and it had been an especially hot and humid week in the city…it was the moment, during these kind of trips, when little ‘flare ups’ start to occur between ‘kids and kids’, ‘kids and adults’, & ‘adults and adults’–it is bound to happen…in this particular case, we were all en route to public transportation (making our way from the hostel to the ysop office) and one of the kids (named aron) in the youth group asked the senior high youth director if she would alter the plan slightly for the evening so we could stay out later in the city…walking en masse, like this, we were quite the sight (moments like these made me feel bad for nyc:) …anyways, aron and the senior high youth director were at the back of the pack and i was at the middle, with some other kids and adults up in front of the herd…as aron and my colleague were talking, the conversation became more and more ‘heated’ (i heard most everything that was said; i think this is due to my bionic ears…but seriously, the tubes i got when i was a kid did something spectacular…could it be that my military doctor who implanted the tubes in my ears was a part of a covert government program to engineer super soldiers?!  we can rebuild you…🙂

basically, aron was asking to alter the plan for the group and my partner said, “no–not happening”…it came out very sharp and i cringed a bit when i heard the tone of her response…in her defense, she was as hot, tired and impatient as everyone else in the group…aron was agitated, too (at his limit)…normally, a great kid–positive, smart and not easily disgruntled…but, in this case, he wouldn’t let it go and huffed up towards the middle of the pack…mumbling his distaste about the decision to some of his peers…

after a few minutes…he must have caught sight of me walking nearby because he was suddenly at my side…and i could see a little bit of fire in his eyes…it was something i had seen before…it was the kind of look you see in a kid when they’re going to openly challenge you, to push your limits…

then, he spoke…

aron: can i ask you something?

me: sure.

aron: what would you do if we all took off running in different directions right now?

[at that moment, i stopped walking…then, he stopped walking…and there was a “pause”…warning bells went off in my head…and then, the  little voice in my head said, it’s a trap…don’t take the bait…]

me: well…i’d probably head down to times square and enjoy my free time…

[i held my serious face for as long as i could…which wasn’t long…then, i busted out laughing…he did too…]

after a minute, he spoke again…

aron: that’s probably the best thing i’ve heard this morning…awesome…

then, he sped up to some friends near the front of the pack…

he didn’t take off, neither did any of the other kids…but, it wasn’t really about ‘making a run for it’…he was just testing me… he was looking for a fight, he was looking for a confrontation (with me, the only other ‘official staff member’ on the trip)…in this case, he was looking for a fast ball and i threw him a curve…it helped that i had heard the earlier exchange and some of his grumblings–so, i had a bit of a head start on how to respond to him…what to say and how to say it…to defuse and disarm him...how to use my voice in that way...

it’s something you can learn to do, too… it’s a skill you can develop…

in time…

tradecraft…use of force [continued]

March 6, 2014 By in juvenile justice, tradecraft Tags: , Leave a comment

juvenile justice case files: use of force (the aftermath)

when i left off in the last post, i had just ‘taken a kid down’ and had him in a control hold on the ground (awaiting back-up)…

well, back-up did arrive…in the form of four other staff members…who all grabbed a limb and help me restrain the young man…

after a while, we were able to get him calmed down and into one of the quiet rooms near the staff office…i thanked them all for their help and they went back to their kids…

by then it was shift change and other staff began to show-up…after i had filled them in on the day’s events, they took over running the kids through their routines while i sat in the office and “wrote up the incident” (everything gets documented–especially, in cases like this–when you have to restrain a child/use force)

of the staff that were now “on shift”, one of them was my supervisor …he looked over my report and we talked about what happened…he said that i handled things well, best i could, given the situation…he said he would handle processing with brett…then, he asked me a really interesting question:

supervisor: do you know why he acted that way? i mean, do you know why he might’ve acted that way, today, specifically?

(i thought about it for a minute)

me: …a bad day?

supervisor: today’s your last day, right? your last shift. he’s on your case-load and you’ve got a good relationship with him…we see this happen sometimes…he knows you’re leaving and he wanted your attention…for some kids, for some of the kids that come through here…to act out, it’s the only way they know how to get ‘that attention’…

then he got up, shook my hand and said, “hate to lose you, good luck”…and went back to working with the kids…

and i was left there, in the quiet of the office, with that thought…

anyways…

regarding the use of force:

  • sometimes you have to use force to keep people safe;
  • federal, state and local law enforcement agencies do a good job of instructing their officers in the use of force; juvenile correctional agencies don’t always do a good job of that (if i had relied solely on the techniques that they had showed me–during a half-hour training–i wouldn’t have been able to control the youth or the situation);
  • if you’re in juvenile corrections you might want to consider self-defense/martial arts training…add it to your repertoire…it just might make the difference in the way a situation is resolved (i studied judo and aikido and those skills have served me well…there are other arts that are equally effective);
  • appropriate use of force is key; the amount of force i used was necessary and reasonable in order to gain control of the youth–it was not excessive; unfortunately, there are some people in this line of work who like to “get physical” or “thump” kids…and who take things too far…not cool…we don’t need those kind of people in this profession

tradecraft…use of force

March 4, 2014 By in juvenile justice, tradecraft Tags: , , , , Leave a comment

while it’s true that your voice is your most important tool in herding cats…

sometimes words aren’t enough…

sometimes, no matter what you say–a kid will take it to the next level and the situation will escalate…so, what do you do then???

well, first let me say that this post primarily relates to working with kids in juvenile justice settings…though (nowadays) it could apply to those working in schools or other youth settings…

so, if they escalate–if they take it to the next level…you may have to “go hands-on” with a juvenile or “physically restrain” a child in your care…it’s a fact…

if you’ve been following the blog then you know that i’ve talked about takedowns before…though the focus of those other posts was different and the takedown that was referenced was, most often, peripheral to the main point of the post…

the story i’m going to share is significant for two reasons: 1) it highlights the importance of the use of force and defensive tactics in this profession (valuable skills to have) and 2) it was i time when i was pretty much on my own to “make the call” to use force…in this case, i was the only person that was going to stop someone from getting hurt…

let’s start off with a classic clip from jackie chan…to get us fired-up for the story…

now, that you’re sufficiently prepared for this…let’s get to the real life story…

juvenile justice case files: use of force (the incident)

it all started out as a normal day at the idaho youth ranch (a minimum-secure juvenile facility in central idaho)…i showed up for my day shift on saturday morning at 7:00 am…upon arrival, i greeted the night staff and we visited for a little while before getting down to business…then, we started “wake-up” and “morning chores” (each kid had an area of the unit, in addition to his own room, that he was responsible for keeping clean–the tasks didn’t take too long to complete, typically) before heading out to breakfast…

we were about an hour into our morning routine when the first curve ball came…it was the time when my ‘regular partner’ would normally show up and replace the night staff…except, on this particular morning my partner didn’t make it in…eventually, the call came and we got word from a supervisor that my partner was out sick and a sub would be there (shortly) …the sub who showed up was an older woman, late 50s…and someone who didn’t normally “work on the units” with the kids…so, when she got there i thought…this should be interesting…

so, we got them through chores, breakfast, and onto to the day’s activities (which included some time in the gym, doing “house activities”, and with their horses-it’s a ranch after all-giddy up!)…throughout the day some of the kids were getting a little “mouthy” with each other–this could be best described as low-level, aggravating verbal exchanges that would flare up occassionaly…par for the course in this kind of work (in juvenile justice, most of your time is spent reminding kids about “what the expectations are” and redirecting them when they’re not doing what they need to–and, giving consequences, if needed; a lot of the kids who end up in these facilities have never had anyone set “boundaries” or “limits” for their behaviors…so, that was our role:)…anyways, early on i had a bad feeling in my gut…like something more serious was simmering just below the surface…

well, through lunch and into the early afternoon activities the initial low-level aggravation  grew into a larger unrest within the group…specifically, between two kids on my case load…kids we’ll call brett and andy…

their increased unrest was enough of a reason/warning sign to change the day’s plan..so, after conferring with my partner, i told the group we were heading back to the unit for some quiet time (where all residents would be in their rooms and quiet for a half-hour) to settle things down…during the walk back, brett and andy were still “going at each other” (verbally)…and their peers and i were trying to redirect them–at that time, the idaho youth ranch operated under a therapeutic philosophy called the “positive peer culture”…where the juveniles had a large stake in redirecting, confronting and helping their peers…and, generally speaking, such an environment had its advantages when trying to get the kids to comply with their program requirements (i mean, i could say something to a kid that he may or may not hear…but, when it’s a peer-especially in those teen years-it carries a lot of weight)…

anyways, neither the peers’ comments nor mine made any difference to brett and andy…they continued on in that same manner…and because we weren’t getting through, my next move was going to be ‘to speak with brett and andy individually’ while the others were in their rooms for quiet time…to try to head off any major trouble at the pass–but, as it turns out…i never got the chance to do that…

once we were “back on the unit”, i told all the kids to head to their rooms for quiet time…and every single youth complied, except for brett and andy…not only that, but their exchange got ‘more heated’…with brett beginning to threaten andy (like he was going to hurt him)…

it’s funny…i remember exactly where everyone was at this moment…it’s burned into my memory–andy was on my left, at the end of a hallway that led down to a series of rooms (including his own); brett was on my right, in the common room just outside the staff office (his room was not in the same hallway as andy’s); across from me, forming up the last corner of the diamond was my “partner for the day” (and she looked worried)…and honestly, i couldn’t blame her…i was worried, too…my heart was beating fast–i was sweating and hoping it wouldn’t go to the next level, you know…i don’t care who you are, but situations like this are extremely stressful, tense and unpredictable–and most people don’t like it when things escalate to this point…to the edge of physical conflict or violence…

so, we tried to stay calm ouselves…and redirect their behavior and get them to go to their rooms…by talking to them, by using our voices like we were trained to do…and while this tactic worked throughout the day to “diffuse little arguments” and “get them back on track”…it wasn’t working now…not at all…

in fact, their voices got louder and their language got more aggressive…neither one was backing down…

and then i knew what was going to happen, i knew it was going to hit the fan…so, press play on the eagles’ heartache tonight…you know how it goes, somebody’s gonna hurt someone, before the night is through…somebody’s gonna come undone, there’s nothing we can do…

so, i looked at my partner and nodded (she had a radio in her hand) and i said…

call for assistance…

(a ‘call for assistance’ would let the other staff in the other units know that there was a crisis “in-progress”, and that they should send any extra staff they had to our location as soon as possible)

anyways, once she clicked “the call button” and opened her mouth, brett lunged towards andy with his arm cocked (like he was going to hit him)…

and then, three things happened simultaneously…1) i grabbed brett mid-lunge; 2) andy bolted down the hallway and hid in his room; and 3) my partner disappeared…

once i had brett, i held him across the mid-section…he was struggling…he wasn’t fighting me as much as he was trying to get loose and pursue his target (andy)…but, he was thrashing…somehow, i managed to hold him in that way for a little while–importantly, although brett was just 15 years-old, he was my about my height/weight and he was a strong and athletic kid…so, this “up-right hold” was not ideal and i knew it wasn’t going to last for long (there was no way i could hold him like that until back-up arrived–it was not going to happen)…at the same time, i knew i couldn’t let go…so, i thought…

i’ve got to take him down myself–the sooner the better…

but before i did, i spoke to him, i told him (in my best raspy, clint eastwood voice)…

you’re going down…

(to this day, i don’t know what possessed me to say that…probably one too many 80s action flicks in my youth)

after i said those words, i spun him towards me and did an “outside of the foot sweep”–in judo, we call this throw osoto gari (large outer reaping)…and it can be really effective when done correctly…in this case, i nailed it and he went down (with me holding onto his shirt collar with one hand and his fore-arm/sleeve with my other hand) and i went down, too, on-top of him…as is the natural momentum/flow of this throw…esp. if you want to get them in a hold on the ground (which is what i wanted to do)…so, i went quickly into a side control hold (kuzure kesa gatame)…in this position, i had him and he wasn’t getting out…never-the-less, he still struggled and yelled…

so, i just held him there, pinned down (waiting for backup to arrive)…and i spoke to him again…this time i said…

it’s going to be alright, it’s going to be ok…

[to be continued…]

tradecraft…non-verbals (part II)

February 18, 2014 By in tradecraft Tags: , , , , , Leave a comment

when you’re doing this kind of work…herding cats…a good question to ask yourself is…what message am i sending?

i remember one day in class…when i was angry with a couple of students…they asked me, are you alright? 

i said, i’m fine…as “i sorted some papers” on my desk…by “sorted some papers”, i mean… furiously rustled and stacked three separate piles of handouts (for about 15 seconds), with jaw clenched and vein bulged–the one that runs across my right temple…

the next day, a student called me out on it…saying, hey, mr. d., you were kind of upset with us yesterday, weren’t you?  the student who was asking the question had a slight smile on his face and the climate in the classroom was “lighter”…

so, i asked him, what do you mean?

he replied, well, when we asked you “how you were?”…you said, “fine”…but then stacked your papers…”real angry-like”…

a couple of other students giggled at that…and after a short pause, i laughed myself…it was all i could do…because i knew they “had me”, i knew they were right…my actions, my gestures…my non-verbals had betrayed my words…my non-verbals had told the truth…

like me, you may have some “signs” that show your true feelings…physical gestures that are quite powerful…

sometimes they are things you can laugh about, like in the above example…other times, they can work against you…especially, if you’re not paying attention to your body language…sometimes they can ‘escalate’ a situation when combined with an aggressive/aggravated voice…

we see this happen in the following situations (and more) all the time…

  • getting too close to someone (proximity) who is agitated (when you’re agitated) may trigger their defensive/anger/fight or flight responses;
  • crossing your arms over your chest may send a defensive, defiant, or uncooperative signal;
  • clenching your fists when you are interacting someone may show them how angry you are;
  • pointing fingers and hands at someone’s face (proximity) may set them off (verbally or physically);
  • facing someone down (as opposed to talking to them ‘at their side’) may be perceived as a threat;
  • rolling your eyes at someone may be taken as disrespect

in our high-speed, high-stress society we can all go from zero to “big green monster” in a snap…but, as my friend craig says, even in a seemingly instant/knee-jerk moment…there is a chance, a window of opportunity…to pause, to breathe…

to stop ourselves before “the other guy shows up” and we hulk-smash the world around us…

tradecraft…non-verbals (part I)

February 15, 2014 By in tradecraft Tags: , , , 2 Comments

when you have a connection to a group of kids and have solid relationships with them…sometimes all it takes is “a look” to convey what you want to communicate…

you know what i’m talking about, when you were a kid there were times (if you think back) when your mom, dad, teacher, or coach…gave you the look…

the look could convey a couple of serious messages such as…

don’t do what you’re about to do, son…

don’t do what you just did (again), son…

don’t even think about it!

implied in the look, was the “or else” response…that was coming…the consequence, the punishment of “failing to comply with message sent in the look“–it was “understood” because there was history there (most likely)…where you disobeyed an adult who gave you the look before…and, you remember when they dropped the hammer on you…

nowadays, i use the look in my classroom for the same reasons…to send a message…without words…because sometimes the look is more powerful than words…sometimes a look says it all…

i also educate the kids in my classes about a particular non-verbal that they might see from me…by telling them…

you should be concerned when i’m not smiling…concerned about what you’ve done, or about what you might do…and, about what might happen because of it…me, not smiling, is a warning sign to you…

this works for me because i’m typically a jovial guy, smiling and laughing…it’s hardwired into my nature…for good or for ill…so, when i’m not smiling, when that’s not happening…something’s up…

awareness and proper use of non-verbals can be a really important skill to have in your tool box and a really effective means to communicate with young people–to remind them of expectations and boundaries…whether a parent, teacher, coach, youth worker, juvenile justice worker, etc…non-verbals can have a great impact on how situations and events play out…other important non-verbals besides the look are…posture, proximity (person-to-person), arm/hand/finger positioning, active listening, etc…

so, how do you…shout it out loud and speak volumes, without uttering a word?

tradecraft…know your role

January 9, 2014 By in tradecraft Tags: , , , Leave a comment

whether a teacher, youth director, juvenile justice worker–or, a parent…it is important to reflect and think about how you are interacting with the children you work with or the children you have…

and to know your role…

one day in class a student asked me:

hey, mr. d., you’re my friend, right?!

i replied:

no, i’m not…i’m your teacher

on a different day, another student from another class  ‘doubled down’ on that comment and asked:

hey, mr. d., do you want to come a house party i’m throwin’ this saturday?

while images of me pulling a high-school version of ‘frank the tank’ filled my head…i replied:

no, i’m good

for the past decade, one of my biggest pet peeves with parents (and occasionally with certain youth leaders) is their wanting their kids to like them and/or being ‘friends’ with their kids (this wasn’t something i saw a lot of in my work with kids in the ’90s) 

let’s pause and think about this for a minute–parents have to realize what they are giving kids when they do things in this way…they are giving them the parental power and authority…and, this kind of power is, quite honestly, too big for young people–remember, we’re talking about kids–children and teenagers, people whose brains are not fully developed…people who, have brain damage 🙂

and to give them…the keys to the kingdom…unbelievable?!

i recently heard a phenomenal lecture by dr. leonard sax (as recommended to me by my friend, katie sanders), where he addressed this very issue…it is a lecture that should be “required listening” for all parents and youth leaders–in his presentation there are two brilliant insights that rise above a lot of good material–they are:

the first prerequisite of being a good parent is that you cannot be concerned with whether your child likes you or not…

&

parents need to be confident of their authority…parents have stepped away from their authority in this country…

(lecture on faith and boys and girls–the great disappointment, 10/10/13  http://www.faith-and-life.org/media )

the unwillingness to be the authority, to be the parent…leads to kids who think they can do whatever they want whenever they want to…they believe they are entitled to it..they believe they should be calling the shots…disrespecting every other adult they encounter along the way (including their parents)…

ultimately, it provides kids with a false sense of how the real world works…how will they handle rejection, suffering, and struggle? what are we preparing them for? what are we setting them up for?

unfortunately, i see this kind of thing play out in my classroom every single day…

luckily, there is a remedy, a fix–though far from easy–we can change how we do things…we can actually herd dem cats, instead of letting ’em run wild…