i was standing there, outside a really fancy store in one of the most high-end/well-polished shopping centers in minnesota, when i suddenly felt the urge that ‘i had to go’…

my wife and i had just finished a really good breakfast at zumbro’s and were stopping by the galleria shopping center to pick up a gift for my mom when it hit me…that ‘old feeling’…immediately, i knew i had to ‘book it’ or it was going to get ugly…

my stomach rumbled–up, down, and around–and it almost came out…but, i tightened up the one muscle that could save me, the one muscle that’s the last line of defense before the levee breaks (press play on the led zeppelin classic of (almost) the same name)…my true friend…the sphincter muscle…and, i prayed…i need you now, like never before, my friend–mercy! 

in a guttural whisper i told my wife…

i have to go to the bathroom… 

and turned and sprinted off towards the nearest restroom, the nearest sanctuary…

my form was horrible, it could be best described as a gallop that a lame horse might make over rugged terrain…it was ‘super awkward’, people…because running and ‘clenching’ just don’t go well together, you know…i’m thinking that this is why long distance runners just ‘let it go’…anyways, i wasn’t about to let that happen, not here not now, so i was concentrating hard…my jaw was tight, my face was set in stone, and beads of sweat were forming on my forehead…

i have to make it..i think i can, i think i can, i think i can…

for i knew what could happen…the unthinkable…and folks, we’re not talking about a ‘shart’…but a ‘shet’ (shit + jet)…we’re talking a full-on geyser…the entire strength of all the hoses at the local fire department couldn’t match the force that was about to erupt from within me…

thankfully, i spotted the restroom sign ahead, i was closing in on the bathrooms…gaining ground…

i have to make it…i think i can, i think i can, i think i can…

i made it to a hallway where there were three bathrooms and rushed to door one–it was locked…i cursed under my breath and moved to the next door–it was locked, too [more cursing]…in a panic, i approached door three thinking…

this is gonna be close…what if i don’t make it?! will the power elite that roam the hallowed halls of the galleria grant me a pardon to return or will i be banished from their realm forever?! 

please, Lord, let it be vacant! 

door three opened–i flew in and bolted it shut…

i took one step towards the toilet and it happened…

it started to come out…

i kept going forward…

and sat down on the sparkling porcelain throne and finished ‘my business’…

afterwards, i spent the next hour cleaning up the bathroom…top to bottom…in the process, i threw out my boxers and did a little laundry…thankfully, i was wearing my ‘weather proof’ rei shorts…somehow, i don’t think what happened to me was what the designers had in mind when they named ’em ‘weather proof’ – but, they held up 🙂

and so did i…

several months after this experience, we started potty training our kids…and it didn’t work out like we thought it would or thought it should…it didn’t take, you know…and our kids had some accidents at daycare…when i heard that that had happened, i wanted to run to them, to sweep them up and away…and say…

it’s o.k.

sometimes, it happens.

sometimes, accidents happen.

take it from me.