Tag Archives: Relationships

lessons in love (for my son)

February 12, 2016 By in herding (my own) cats, measure of a man Tags: , , , 4 Comments

it’s taken me nearly 44 years on the planet to understand what it means to love a woman…here’s some of what i’ve learned, jack…because you might want to know what that might mean for you–if “loving a woman” is something you want to do, or choose to do yourself someday–if not, that’s another conversation we can have–regardless of what path you take–know that you’ll get the same love and embrace from your old man, cheers!

  1. know yourself…take time to examine and evaluate the things that you’ve said and done…learn from the past…sometimes your heart gets broken because of things they’ve done…but, sometimes it gets broken because of things you’ve done–from the way you’ve been living in the world, guaranteed.
  2. love yourself…see and “believe in” the good that’s in you…no man can have love for another person while at the same time despising himself.
  3. let her know that she’s your queen…court her, pursue her intentionally (and in a healthy/’law-abiding manner’)…listen to her, show up in her life when it counts, give a timely gift, treat her right, woo her–to win her over and beyond!!!
  4. women are not disposable objects that were put on the earth to please and entertain you, son–treat them with love and respect…’call out’ men who don’t.
  5. only say, “i love you” if you really mean it…those words carry a lot of weight.
  6. balance – if all you’re doing is spending time with your “special one”…then, that’s a problem …now, if you’re anything like your old man, when you do fall for someone—you will fall hard…it’s gonna happen…and you’re gonna lose your mind for a minute (at this time, you will most likely start to see cartoon versions of blue birds flying around and chirping as you randomly and uncontrollably burst into song–zippity doo dah day!)…it’s o.k., it’s a good thing to have those feelings and emotions–but, don’t forget to share your time and love with your friends and family, too!
  7. date one person at a time.
  8. reciprocity – no romance is 100% fair or equal…but, most good ones get close–if you’re doing all the work, making plans, showing up in her life, etc…and she’s “phoning it in” and “treating you bad” — that’s a red flag, son–so, cut her loose, “break it off” and move on.
  9. don’t play games – if you’re not “into her” or “not feeling it”–have the balls to tell her that to her face (never “break it off” by text or email) and move on.
  10. when your heart gets broken, and it will–(privately) share your pain with those “select few” family members and friends you trust; you will know who they are–not everyone gets the honor and privilege of knowing this shtuff–they will be there for you; and keep your distance from her–physically, socially, online, phone, etc…trying to pursue her beyond this point doesn’t do a damn bit of good and makes you look like an idiot.
  11. and if/when you “mess it up” (in how you’ve treated her)…step up, be a man, own it–and apologize for the harm you’ve caused.
  12. sometimes, “i’m sorry” doesn’t cut it…and what happens is a product of not knowing yourself and not dealing with yourself and your shit (this one goes a lot to #1, but probably pops up at other points as well)–because eventually, your shit will rise to the surface – – my shit has a long history of flying out sideways  🙂  [if some of your issues keep resurfacing, keep coming up…then, have faith, be brave, and do the right hard thing–talk to a trained professional counselor–someone who is qualified to advise you and who doesn’t have an axe to grind].
  13. you can talk to me, too…anytime, anyplace…in joy, in pain, in exuberance, in sadness, and in all those “in-between” times…you can ask me anything–and i mean anything…i’ve been there, believe me…and i’m still here, i’m still standing.
  14. trust God, trust the process.

i love you, son.

dad

[this is the tip of the iceberg for the things that i hope to impress upon my son regarding this topic (as he gets older), most of the other things “not listed here” are not for public consumption–they are private matters, personal ones, that are just for me and jack–but today, you get a glimpse behind the curtain…so, enjoy–and have a happy valentine’s day!]

love is thicker than water

February 19, 2015 By in observations Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , 4 Comments

but nothing lasts forever
your best efforts don’t always pay
sometimes you get sick and you don’t get better
that’s when life is short even in its longest days

-john mellencamp

my cousin died when she was 46…

her name was lisa and it happened last fall…

and i remember walking into the funeral home with my mom, dad, and sister…we came first to an anteroom, and upon entering, my eyes found her three children…one in college, one in high school and one in junior high…and then, i saw her husband coming ’round the corner…and that’s when i lost it…and then her husband lost it, too…and then we all embraced in a messy, tearful, tangled hug…

my aunt and uncle were there, too…bonnie and jay…and though they were visibly broken, somehow, some way they were keeping it together…my cousin john was there, too (lisa’s brother–it was always just the two of them)–wrecked, but holding strong as well…i guess they had all cried enough tears in the previous few weeks…lisa had been in the hospital for a little while before she died…and despite the fact that she had maintained an amazingly optimistic and hopeful attitude, right up until the end, the cancer was merciless and relentless…it would not be held at bay, it would not yield…

sometimes you get sick and you don’t get better…

so, over three days time, we went from the viewing, to the funeral service, to the burial and then to the reception …returning to my aunt and uncle’s place on occasion to regroup…it was weird, it was surreal…being around people who you normally long to see and visit with…our relatives, our family…yet, not having her there…it didn’t make sense…

along with that, i didn’t have a lot of experience being at funerals or knowing people who had died…in my world, it added up to a handful of people….most of them were older…grandparents, even great grandparents…people from “the greatest generation”…people who had lived long, full lives…and while we definitely felt the loss of their passing, their dying made more sense…and their funerals more closely resembled what people commonly call “happy funerals”…where the person “is celebrated” and the funeral is “a celebration”…

this wasn’t a “happy funeral”…this wasn’t “a celebration”…

this was sadness, grief, and pain…

i think everyone felt that it happened too soon…

probably because everyone that was there knew lisa…and if you knew her…you knew what living life really meant, you knew what true innocence and goodness and faith really meant…you knew it because when you saw her, when you talked to her…you would see it, you would hear it…and when you see that kind of life, that kind of life force…in a human being…you think to yourself...nothing on earth can stop that, nothing can extinguish that fire, that spirit…  

and when a light like that goes out, it goes dark for everyone who looked upon it…

that’s the way i felt (and feel), anyways…

and there was something else…there is something more to the story…

something remarkable, despite the utter pain of her passing…something unique about her story…from beginning to end, from birth ’til death…

the remarkable thing is the love that her family holds for one another…the four of the them–lisa, john, bonnie, and jay…now, don’t get me wrong they’re not perfect or without trial or tribulation…they’re like any other family–any other real family, that is, that goes through the up’s and down’s of life…and believe me, they’ve come through their own fires…and yet still remained–a family…a family that they created…in love…especially between lisa and her parents…and, most especially, between lisa and her mom, bonnie…a mother and daughter…but more than that, best friends…i guess it’s significant for me because lisa (and her brother, john) were adopted–early in their marriage my aunt and uncle came to realize that they couldn’t have children…but, they still wanted kids…so, they adopted lisa and john…

as a man, i have no idea what a woman experiences or feels when she’s told she can’t have kids…when she’s told she can’t give birth to her own children…i mean, i know women who have had that experience outside of this story and often think that…

that’s really, really terrible

because

man, she would be an amazing mom (and he would be an awesome dad)

then instantaneously, the same thought always pops into my head…

i wonder if they’ll adopt?

my thinking probably plays out like this because at my base, at my core…i know lisa, john, bonnie, and jay…i know their story…i know what they mean to me…

i know that their family was (and is) closer than some biological families are…

i know that bonnie and jay have always seen lisa and john as their own…their son, their daughter…

i know that we (my sister and i) always saw them as our cousins not our ‘adopted ones’…

i know that, growing up, they were (without a doubt) our closest cousins…

i know that they have been and always will be my family…

not by blood, but by love…

ryan

April 17, 2014 By in measure of a man Tags: , , , 6 Comments

so, ryan asked me…

hey, mr. d….would it be o.k. if i asked melanie (his girlfriend) to prom during your last hour?

i agreed…saying…

sure, what do you have in mind?

what he “had in mind” was this…

ryan showed up to my last class of the day…and i introduced him as a guest speaker that would be presenting on adolescents and alcohol…it fit with what we were doing…and right away, when he came in the door–melanie looked up, surprised…the look on her face said…what is he doing in class?! (i think it was the most attentive i’ve seen her all year;)

he went through his presentation (he had made up a power point that i ‘previewed’ earlier)…he talked about ‘the dangers of alcohol use for teenagers’ and ‘how we see increases in use around the time of prom’… then, he said…

given all these dangers…there’s just one question i have…melanie, will go to prom with me?

she got up, said “yes” and gave him a hug…the class erupted in applause… and, after what seemed like an eternity…i said, you can stop hugging now…

[thought i might have to call a code purple…’unauthorized public display of affection’ ;)]

i share this story not because of how it relates to prom…because depending on your perspective and/or your child’s high school experience, prom may or may not be a positive social ritual/tradition for your teenager…

but, i share this story for another reason…i share this story because of what ryan did, because of how he treated his girlfriend…because of his boldness (it takes courage to do that kind of thing in front of a group of students you don’t know)…

he put in work...he took the time to come up with a creative way to ask her to prom; he took the time to think about her…and, i think it was even more significant because she was his girlfriend…the look on her face was priceless, i could tell (at that moment) that he had succeeded in making her feel special…because of the love and respect he demonstrated…

i congratulated him later and said, ‘good work, young man’…

it’s important to hold up these stories, to celebrate these moments…

because there are a lot of guys out there who wouldn’t even think of doing something like that; there are a lot of guys out there who just expect things from girls…like they’re entitled to it…

but, they’re not…they need to put in work…show love and respect…like ryan did…

 

tradecraft…processing

November 5, 2013 By in tradecraft Tags: , , , , Leave a comment

for the readers out there that are just beginning to practice youth work of some sort or might be interested in pursuing this kind of work as a career…this one’s for you!:)

let’s get one thing straight, this kind of work isn’t rocket science–but it’s not exactly common sense either…it is a trade..like carpentry or auto repair or hvac or being a jedi knight..and like any trade, there is an art and a science to what we’re doing here…there are skills and tactics–tradecraft–that can take you from apprentice to journeyman to–well, a tradesman in search of mastery…

it can take you from padowan to jedi master…

anyways…this entry highlights “the next steps” regarding skills/tactics following a disciplinary action…like the one i mentioned in the last post, where i sent a kid to the CLAS program for pickin’ on another student…

q: what do you do when that kid you sent out comes back?

one: follow-up with the dismissed student and ask them some questions…do you know why i sent you out? ask them what they plan to do from here on out; …how could you do things differently next time?

two: welcome them back and put what ‘went down’ in the past, this can be tough… especially, when the kid has demonstrated a knack for ‘getting under your skin’ and ‘pushing your buttons’…but, this is what it means to be a professional–a skilled laborer in this field…in the past, i’ve told kids glad you’re back, today is a new day, the past is the past, we’re movin’ on, etc…

this is known as processing…

and it is a way to get them thinking about what they did and why they should do it differently next time…it is also a healthy/positive way to assimilate them back into the group, to “mend fences”, to let them know yeah, i sent you out–i’ll hold you accountable…but i’m also willing to give you another chance…it’s a way to restore the relationship…

90% of the time, it takes between 5-10 minutes to “process” with a kid…

may the force be with you…