Looking forward

one of the things that helped me when i was down and out last year was reading the book meditations – by marcus aurelius. a friend had sent it to me when he heard i was having a hard time and i found it to be pretty awesome (thank you, juan, for the gift). not only for its insights on facing hard things, but also for the everyday wisdom and philosophy it contained. often referred to as the stoic’s bible, one of the key ideas that struck me was the fact that we really are just a mere blink of an eye in the span of human existence — and that while we do matter, we shouldn’t make too much of our role in the natural course of things. this is not to say that our lives don’t count for much or that our friends & family (& others) don’t value our presence — but, with the stoic approach, it does have the potential to right-size things about ourselves and our place in the human story (keep things in perspective, if you will). nevertheless, i found it to be a good companion to – not a replacement for* – the work i was doing with my counselor (as referenced in the last post). and, i think there might be something of value in it for you, too.

as i close this one out, you should know that i spent over a week on the title of this post. now, some of you might be like, what?! get your sh** together, dettmann – just put a title on it and send it out🙂 and i hear that, but — i was going back and forth between “looking forward” and “looking ahead”. i settled on “looking forward” because of the positivity that is embedded in the phrase — when you look forward to something you are hopeful, waiting with anticipation for what’s to come — and expecting that something good will happen. and, it’s hard to look forward when you’re always looking back — or living back, trapped in the past or by the past — and take it from me, if you don’t deal with your history and that of your ancestors, your sh** will always come out sideways. but, if you do take the time to do the hard work (and reconcile with that shtuff) — you can really live (for today and for tomorrow) — and look forward with new eyes — knowing that something good is coming.

*in my view, nothing can replace the help you can get from a trained mental health professional (if available) and/or medication (if needed).

note: there are a number of translations of meditations out there, but i really like the one pictured here, by Gregory Hays.

silent night

it will happen…you will have a time (or times) in your life, when something keeps you up at night

for my wife and i, one of those times was when the twins showed up–the early months were truly nuts!!!

i remember, in the haze of those early days, my head hitting the pillow then bouncing back up–instantly…this would happen regularly because one of the twins was crying, hungry, or needed consolation…since we kept them on the same feeding schedule, we would be up a lot of nights on that front (my wife would breast-feed one and i would bottle-feed the other at the same time)…one morning, the sleepless nights became all too evident when my wife asked me, do you remember what you did last night?! (the one question that can strike fear in the heart of any husband)…i replied, uh, no, i don’t…she gave me a small smile and said, yeah,  i woke up to the sound of you shouting and rustling around in bed…she paused for dramatic effect…and said, i looked over to see you commando-crawling through the bed-sheets shouting, ‘i’ve got to get out of here, i’ve got to get out of here!’ (we still laugh about that night)…

…often times, i would be sitting up all night with one of the babies…then, glance at the clock and realize–hey, i’ve got to get ready for work…so, i would set the baby down, get cleaned up, go in and teach a full day…then, come home and do it all over again…and again…and again…i remember going into the bathroom one day at work…and, as i was washing my hands, i caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror–it was ugly, i looked like hell (i was sportin’ what could be best described as the post-apocalyptic, world war z zombie look)–jeepers!  unfortunately, i wasn’t the only one who realized the ‘state of things’ in our world…because as i was walking down the hall to the copy room, my colleague stopped me and asked, are you alright?! (his face showed genuine concern–with a sprinkling of the early stages of panic:)…i mumbled some indiscernible response and continued on…in a way that would make the undead proud…

i didn’t really know what tired was until that point in my life…

so, if you’re there, at that point in your life…in the midst of a storm…where something is keeping you up at night…i wish for you peace, rest, and a good night’s sleep…i wish for you a silent night…