i have a language problem, and anyone who knows me knows it’s true–it’s no secret…it’s been something i’ve been trying to work on since we’ve had children–and there was one day, in the not too distance past, when i knew–things had to change…here’s that story…
it was a day after many long weeks–we had sold our house and just moved into a new house–and at the same time that we were dealing with that major life transition, my wife and i were trying to keep up with our kids and our jobs…anyways, one day after work, i picked up our kids from daycare and headed home–they were tired from all of it, too…and it showed in their behaviors, as they were crabby with each other and with me for the whole ride home…
[author’s note: when we got home my kids were demanding snacks and juice and having to go to the bathroom and 100 other things…meanwhile, i was running through a mental checklist in my brain of what we had in the liquor cabinet, because daddy was going to need some “juice”, too! 🙂 ]
so, here’s what went down on that fateful day in october…
jack: daddy, i have to go poopy.
me: go ahead and head into the bathroom, i’ll be in there in a minute.
he goes into the bathroom and gets to work and i get grace some juice and a snack…
jack (after a few minutes): daddy, i’m done!
daddy (walking towards the bathroom): o.k., i’m coming.
jack: can you wipe me?
daddy: yep.
i say this as i turn towards the toilet paper holder…unfortunately, i don’t see any toilet paper on the holder…i look to the basket where “backup paper” is kept and it’s empty, too…then, i hear my son’s voice again…
jack: can you wipe me, daddy?
me: yes, jack.
then, i hear my daughter crying for more snack from the other room…and i shout to her…
me: in a minute, gracie.
feverishly, i start going through the cabinets, looking for the almighty tp…it’s not looking good, i can’t find any…and i hear jack again…
jack (impatiently): daddy, i need to be wiped.
daddy (more impatiently): i know.
frustration is mounting on all sides when i go to the last cabinet…no dice…no toilet paper in there either…and that’s when i say it, that’s when i swear…
me: fuck!
i realize i’ve said it “out loud”, but it’s too late…because jack speaks up again, to my chagrin…and this is how it goes…
jack: fuck!
[then again]
jack: fuck! fuck! fuck! fuck! fuck!
[then]
me: no! no! no! no! no!
eventually, i locate some tp in our bathroom and use it on him and get them their snacks and juice…and eventually, everything settles down…
but, deep down, i know that parent fail #76 just happened…
…
in the months that followed, i tried, really hard, to regulate my language…that experience was enough to startle me into some efforts for better behavior…i mean, having my son mimic me like that, like a little mockingjay–what the fuck?! 🙂
then, recently…i was startled again, when i heard my daughter say…
oh my God!
when i heard her say that, i stopped right in my tracks (again, i was making them their after day care snack) because she said it like an expletive–not in a praise to the Almighty kind of way…
here’s our exchange…
me: hey, now…we don’t say that.
gracie: oh, o.k.
me: we say, “gosh” or “golly”, right?!
gracie: o.k.
me (not really wanting to ask): where did you hear that?
jack and gracie are silent and then look at each other…then, gracie sings…
oh my God, i’m coming home.
at first, i don’t get it and am a bit confused…
me: what? wait?! from the song we play?!
[we have an i-home where we play all kinds of music, and what i realized–in that moment–was that she was referencing a song called, “Oh my God, I’m Coming Home” by the christian musician david crowder.]
after a short conversation about the differences between singing it like the way he does and using it in everyday life as an expletive, my kids go off to play and think/say nothing of it going forward…
but, i’m still worked up about it, i’m still ticked…mostly at david crowder…mr. pop-christian musician...in my mind, i envision confronting him and throwing down…damn you, crowder, damn you!
…
since the most recent incident, i have mixed up the playlist…and substituted in–“Mama I’m Coming Home” by ozzy osbourne…
i grew up in a lutheran family…we were church regulars (every sunday)…it was important for us, growing up…we would pray before dinner and at night before bed; we would talk about religion and faith (in addition to politics) at the dinner table…and my sister and i actively participated in “youth group” (monthly meetings for kids at church where we would do a variety of activities–some faith related and some not)…
but for me, when i was thirteen, the main reason why i got up and ready for church every sunday wasn’t for the love of Jesus–and it wasn’t to deepen my faith…
it was because i thought the pastor’s daughter was ‘hot’…
she was two years older than me and i had the biggest crush on her…so, every sunday…i really, really wanted to go to church–crazy, right?! i wanted to, though, because…i hoped to catch a glimpse of her…a glimpse of beth is all i wanted…and sometimes i did see her there…when i did, my heart would start to beat a little faster and i would see (and hear) blue birds flying around and chirping (the cartoon version)…everywhere…zippity do da day…
and, i tried to get close to her and talk to her–i wasn’t subtle…
i was thirteen…
my motivations, my intentions had to be blatantly clear to everyone… including beth…in fact, anyone who saw my face on those sunday mornings knew what i was feeling, knew that i was love struck…
to give you an idea of my mindset…let me take you to a prayer we used to recite at church (nearly) every sunday…the Apostle’s Creed…the opening line went like this…
I believe in God, the Father Almighty, Creator of Heaven and earth;
my version went like this…
I believe in God, the Father Almighty, Creator of Heaven and beth;
🙂
well, time went by…and beth and i became friends…nothing more, nothing less…it was an infatuation that came and went…though it took up a lot of my ‘mind time’ and focus at that point in my life…especially, on sundays…
years later, i realized that while i had been going to church…i really hadn’t ‘been there’ (fully)–at all…i had spent a lot of that time focused on the wrong things…not that relationships and romance aren’t great…they are…i am a hopeless romantic, after all…but, my heart and mind were always preoccupied…caught up in the ‘shiny object of a teenage crush’…
at the same time, i realized that as intensely as i was seeking out and pursuing beth…God was intensely seeking out and pursuing me…i was just too foolish to realize it then…still, God (through the Holy Spirit) was laying the foundation, working on me, whispering to me…and it stuck…a lot longer than what i had hoped for with beth…
but, it is a greater love, after all…
when i think back to that time, i think of an onion…and realize that, back then…when i was at church or contemplating my faith…i was just living on the surface…enamored with the ‘surface things’ of life; the superficial and material world around me…over time, i began to see the layers, see what i was missing out on…
and, go deeper…
and, eventually, turn to and embrace the God that had been pursuing me for years…
that doesn’t mean that my gaze hasn’t faltered or my faith hasn’t wavered since that realization…it has happened, periodically, througout my life course…when it has, i find myself on surface again…apart from what’s really important…distracted by other shiny objects that come along (whether it is something from within, like my anxiety and fears…or something outside of myself, like my career, household projects, sports, media and entertainment, or other material pleasures and possessions)…
thankfully, God’s gaze does not falter, God’s faith does not waver…
God does not give up the chase, He continues the pursuit…the desire to know and love me…and the world…
i know this because it’s in these moments when He calls me ‘to go deeper’, to come back home (sometimes with awhisper, sometimes with ashout) and return to His loving embrace…
and, somehow, some way…i make my way back…
[and now, as parents, becks and i are passing on our faith to our kids…slow and steady like…because we know what that relationship means to us; how important it is in our lives…how it has and continues to transform and change the way we see and love people…and we want that for jack and grace…so maybe, just maybe…as they get older…they’ll see what’s below the surface, see the layers, see what they might be missing out on…and, go deeper…into the loving arms of God…who is relentlessly pursuing them (and has been doing so, since the day they were born)…]
(it's like) herding cats... 