Category Archives: tradecraft

tradecraft…your voice (part V)

December 15, 2013 By in juvenile justice, tradecraft Tags: , , , , , , Leave a comment

make no mistake…talking to people, engaging with people who are coming at you with aggression and anger (and not losing control of yourself) is difficult…i was lucky to have people around me who showed me how to navigate those situations (by their example), friends and coworkers who showed me the way…

in my journey, herding cats…i learned three simple phrases to help me (get) back in control–these phrases were/are really important for me in my work with young people (no matter the setting)…i consider them to be gems…maybe you will too…

these phrases are called “deflectors”– and my favorites include:

regardless, never-the-less, and be that as it may

let me give you a scenario when these deflectors served me well…

the scenario that i am going to share took place at the school where i currently work at (as a high school teacher)…the school is part alternative high school and part career-technical education center–the students we instruct are from a variety of backgrounds and have had a variety of life expriences…some of the kids we teach are tough to work with and are resistant to authority and being in school–they are similar, in some regards, to what you would experience working in juvenile justice…

one day, during my first year of teaching, a female student had her phone out in class (this happens all the time, cell phones are one of the biggest distractions and disruptors in today’s classroom–and because of the disruptive nature of phones, we have classroom rules against having them out)…she was about two rows back, one student in a class of twenty…

so, i addressed her…(names have been changed to protect the innocent;)

me: alexis, can you please shut off your phone and put it away

(alexis did not respond to me, continued to have her phone out…and showed ‘what was on her phone’ to the girl sitting next to her–so, at this point, it wasn’t just her learning that was being affected, but those around her were being distracted as well)…

me: alexis, can you put your phone away

alexis: no, i don’t have to…i can be on it if i want

me: not true, you know the expectations…so, plea–

alexis (interrupts me and takes it to the next level): you’re fuckin’ bullshit, mr. d.

it’s funny, when certain things happen in class–everybody listens…this was one of those times…instantly, the class got “real quiet”…i’m pretty sure it was the most quiet my classroom has ever been (with students in it)…and at that moment, after she said what she had said, all of the students were looking at me…waiting… thinking…what’s he gonna do, now?! (you could read it on their faces)…

i had the same question, for a minute…then, my juvenile justice brain clicked on…and, luckily, i remembered the deflectors…at the same time, i told myself–stay calm…

(i took a deep breath)

me (my voice and tone were ‘even’): regardless, you need to follow my directions–you need to put away your phone…i’ll give you one minute to do so, if you don’t…i’ll take your daily points for today (each day, students earn daily points…it is a way they “get paid” in our career-tech programs)…

a minute came and went, then she responded–her response was original…

alexis (looked up from her phone and spoke–aggressively): you’re fuckin’ bullshit, mr. d.

me (still ‘even’ in voice and tone): never-the-less, we have work to do…put your phone away and let’s get to it…look, if you put your phone away now, you’ve only lost one day’s points and we’ll move on–don’t do it, continue on in this way, and i’ll take tomorrow’s…i’ll give you a minute to choose…

all throughout this exchange the class was transfixed, their eyes flicked between us–some heads swiveled back and forth (from me to her)…like they were watching a tennis match… at this moment, their attention turned back to her…

another minute came and went…and she responded again…

alexis: you’re fuckin’ bullshit, mr. d. (still with her phone out, still not complying)

at this point, what flashed through my mind…what i wanted to say was–no, you’re fuckin’ bullshit–bitch!!! (gives you an idea of just how twisted my mind is, right?!:)

but i didn’t say that…not “out loud” anyways…instead, i countered once again with my last deflector…

me (still calm): be that as it may, you know what you need to do…last chance, put your phone away or i’ll have to send you down to the resource room–for not complying with me and for the ‘disrespect’ (the resource room was a room where the school resource officer would meet with a student–a “time out”, if you will–nowadays we have a version of ISS were kids get sent, it is monitored by a regular staff member–not a school cop)

(she was a fighter, stubborn and unwilling to back down–and so, she came at me again)

alexis: you’re fuckin’ bullshit, mr. d.

(i exhaled)

me: ok, alexis, head on down to the resource room

she got up (with her phone, of course) and headed on down to the resource room…i took another deep breath and continued on with class…20 minutes later she came back to class and actually set her phone on my desk and got back to work…(later, i thanked the officer for “having my back”)…

interestingly, i never had a problem with her in class again and we got along well after that…

a few days after the incident, i was able to talk to her about what went wrong...to process the incident…to talk about expectations and consequences…to listen to her and what was going on with her…she explained to me that, at that moment, on that day…she was having a really hard time with things at school and in other classes (w/friends)–“it was all going to shit” (she told me)…turns out that her outburst had nothing to do with me, phones, or class rules and expectations…she was having a bad day–and, it just came out on me…

this is a really important part of the story…because, what happens often times is about something else…what is going down in a kid’s life (apart from you) is the origin or cause of the bad behavior…a good number of the kids we see have experienced (or are in the midst of) hard knocks…so, it’s really important to live up to and be the adult in those hard situations–and not take things personally…

it is not easy to do, situations like this are stressful, tense and hit you hard–and sometimes you fail in how you respond–your natural response is to lash out and strike back at the person who is hurting you…and in that space, you fail (i have failed enough times to know what i’m talking about here)…but, taking the high road–this should be your goal (how you want to handle things)…it’s what professionals do (most of the time)…

i sincerely believe that how i handled things in this situation rippled out, like waves when a stone is cast into a small, still pond…

she came at me hard, she was aggressive and disrespectful…but, because of those three simple phrases–i was able to stay above it, to speak to her with respect–to not take it personally and lose control…she felt that…and that’s why we were able to move on and continue life together in the classroom–that’s why we were able to maintain the relationship…at the same time, the other students felt those ripples…they saw how she treated me and they saw how i treated her…they felt it too…and afterwards, i felt that same wave wash over me in return–and, i held that good feeling, that good regard they had for me…until the end of the year and beyond…

it’s true that i used more than those phrases to maintain control…i combined them with choices (she had control too, or some sense of it)–giving options to kids you work with is key in navigating conflict; also, through these exchanges, i was reminding her of expectations that i had explained to the class at the beginning of the year and at other times in our journey together…she knew the score, she knew what could happen…it was no surprise…

while choices and expectations are important in this kind of work as well…i cannot overstate the power of these three deflectors…they are gems…they are fine tools of this trade…

i hope they serve you well, too…

recommended readings: back in control by gregory bodenhmer, 1984 (it’s where i got the three phrases from (during a training at the idaho youth ranch)–this book has a lot of really good information in regards to working with difficult young people!); verbal judo: the gentle art of persuasion by george j. thompson, ph.d, 2004 (a book i’ve mentioned before and one that is required reading for anyone in any setting who wants to learn how to talk to people, persuade others, and navigate difficult interactions!); a wizard of earthsea by ursula k. le guin, 1969 (the first book in a fiction/sci-fi/fantasy epic series…in the tradition of the lord of the rings–a parable about what happens when you speak something into the world–profound!)

tradecraft…your voice (part IV)

December 2, 2013 By in juvenile justice, tradecraft Tags: Leave a comment

most of the time, i worked with individuals like dom (see last post), who cared a lot about kids and did the job the right way–with integrity and fairness…when they spoke to kids they did so in a way that conveyed…

basic human dignity and respect…

i learned a lot from people who used their voices like that…who spoke from that perspective or point of origin…and i tried to adopt that approach in my own work…

however, there were times when i saw the opposite kind of style, the dark side of the voice…here’s a real-life scenario that exemplifies the dark side…

one day, i arrived on shift at cooper village (the juvenile group home i mentioned in the previous post) and there was tension in the air–you could just feel it…then i heard it…a female staff member, speaking to one of the juvenile males in our care…her tone and volume were heightened…i hadn’t been there but a minute, so i didn’t know what had transpired prior to my arrival, but i knew her and i knew how she talked to kids (typically)–there was always a sharpness to her voice, a tone that set the kids and other staff on edge…and it always made a shift with her a little more challenging (most of the women i’ve worked with were very skilled at using their voices to communicate with young people–i always felt that they had an innate advantage over “us guys”, she was the exception to the rule)…

so, i by-passed the commons area and made my way to the office to set my gear down and sign-in for the shift…thinking…great, she’s “teeing up” the kids for our shift…gonna be a fun night…

i dropped off my gear and spoke to another coworker in the office, sounds like things are getting heated? …he rolled his eyes and nodded to the commons area and said, are you surprised?  we had seen it happen before…i took a deep breath and walked back out to the commons area, the female staff member was cleaning up something from snack time, but still jawing with the juvenile– who was sitting on a couch across the room from her (the juvenile’s tone was getting sharp as well)…she whispered something to me like, he didn’t complete his chores and is now out in the commons–he needs to get it done…

why don’t you let me give it a try (talking to him), i said quietly, so only she could hear me…

she shrugged and then got on him again to do what she wanted (her tone was edgy and her impatience was showing–her face was red and showed irritation and anger)…i was already done with her…so, i started speaking to him to support her in getting him to do what she wanted him to, but at the same time trying to get him to do it without ‘setting him off’…

my philosophy (and the philosophy of the other people i worked with) was…we can get physical, go ‘hands on’, go ‘all the way’ if we have to…but, it’s not our goal, if we can get things accomplished–confront, redirect, and lead the kids through their daily routines without the use of force–then that’s what we’d prefer to do…

unfortunately, i was late to the party…and by this time, i was just another voice on his case…so, he chirped something at me like, she’s been on me since she got here – his blood was up and rising higher by the minute…

his comment emboldened her and the course she was on…and she went at him pretty hard, telling him what he should’ve done this morning, what he still hadn’t done…it was a mini-tirade…i was thinking, what did i walk into?! i glanced behind me, and saw my other coworker propped up against the wall, we exchanged a knowing look…

this is gonna get ugly…

and then it did…the juvenile had had enough…and he launched out of his sitting position, towards the female staffer…i got in his way–and instantly–my partner was at my side and we grabbed his arms and yelled “clear the floor”–the directive commanding the other juveniles to quickly find their rooms (they scattered like mice and the female staffer backed away near the office)–truth be told, the kid went absolutely ballistic–flailing, yelling and swearing…we couldn’t control him in the standing position (he was a big kid…more than six feet tall and about 170 pounds)…trying to control someone standing up is difficult, if not impossible (it’s no surprise that the FBI reports that “more than 70% of use of force scenarios end up on the ground–in a grappling or ground fighting event”)…so, we tried to get him on the ground, but he was twisting and turning and full of juice–so, we called for her to call for backup…while they were en route, he ‘slipped our grip’ several times, but we managed to control him, momentarily, against a wall–though he was still bucking against our “holds” and railing against her…

moments before backup arrived, we got him down to the ground, but it wasn’t pretty…he was continuing to thrash and scream and fight…when the others arrived, we each grabbed a limb and held him tight to the floor in the standard restraint position…my partner spoke to him in a calm voice…eventually (about 20 minutes later), we were able to talk him down and get him under control…not too long after that, we got him to agree to walk down to the “time-out room” where we could continue to process with him…at this point, i looked up and around–i didn’t see the female staffer anywhere…i thought, where is she now–set him off and let the rest of us clean up your mess?!

all the parties involved had to document the incident…

the next day, his social worker came down to address the incident and review the consequences that the female staffer had outlined for his punishment…when she came on the unit and into the office, i was quick to follow–i asked for a moment of her time and closed the door to the office…after a couple of minutes of casual conversation about the incident…i finally said…

yeah, the juvenile bears some responsibility for what ‘went down’, no doubt–he could’ve handled things a lot better, responded differently…but, she could’ve too…i reviewed the earlier logs, talked to other staff members and was there when “it went down”–she “set him off” and his consequences should be tempered on that count…

she agreed…

the point of this story is that you can use your voice negatively–and escalate, insult, disrespect, and anger kids just as easily as you can use your voice in the opposite fashion–positively and professionally…there is always that potential in any human encounter…

have i been sharp, short, impatient, or used negative and disrespectful speech towards juveniles? absolutely…i’m human and i’ve made mistakes–but, i don’t live there…

we all have bad moments and bad days…and it definitely happens in this line of work–on occasion–but, those moments and those days don’t define you…hopefully…however, if it happens to you more often than not…or you intentionally ‘go there’, to extremes (like the woman in the above scenario)…this is not the line of work you should be pursuing… because…

we’re looking for a few good voices…

tradecraft…your voice (part III)

November 24, 2013 By in juvenile justice, tradecraft Tags: , , , Leave a comment

when you witness someone use their voice like i mentioned in the last post, you feel like you’re seeing something extraordinary…something that borders on the supernatural…

here’s a story from the trenches that illustrates what i mean…

years ago, i worked at cooper village–a juvenile group home in omaha, nebraska (i love omaha, by the way, it’s one of the easiest towns to feel at home in–show up twice at the same bar in omaha and you’re a regular–can’t beat that!  of all of the bars i visited in omaha, my favorite (hands down)…was the homy inn (classic)–two visits were just not enough when it came to this place, cheers!:)

anyways…at this juvenile group home, we worked with a variety of kids who had low-level criminal offenses on their records, other delinquency, alcohol and drug problems, and family issues…it was a minimum secure group home…

one day, a kid comes running down the living quarters hallway–he is shouting and swearing just outside our staff office…trailing behind him, is his staff (our living unit was connected to their housing section and today the door between the residences was open, which was common)…so, upon hearing this, my partner and i come out of our office and approach the youth, thinking ok, we’re gonna have to take this kid down… restraints/ ‘takedowns’ are a part of juvenile justice-fun!:) …but before we get that far, we get a knowing look from his staff (dom)–his eyes say, wait…all the while this kid is pacing back and forth–swearing and muttering that he’s gonna hurt someone…

at that point, dom takes up a position nearby and begins talking to the kid (close enough to jump in on a takedown, if needed, but not too close–like us, he was giving the kid some room to move…the habits of nonverbal interaction)…immediately the kid dials in to dom’s voice and what he’s saying (though the kid is still pacing)…dom continues to talk to him in a calm, reassuring voice…

dom: i know about the phone call you just got, i understand why you’re upset, i would be upset, too…

the kid paces and swears some more…

(dom sticks with it)

dom: i know you’re upset, but right now you’re ‘still good’…you haven’t let it get the best of you, you haven’t let it ‘get out of hand’…it’s what you do next that matters the most–you know that we’ve got an event scheduled for tomorrow and right now, you’re on the list for an off site trip to the library–that hasn’t changed, yet…i know you want to go on that trip, i know you want to get off-site for a few hours, so let me help you get there…

the kid is now moving side to side, facing dom–the kid is still agitated…still looks like he could escalate and ‘take it to the next level’ at any moment…bounce off the walls (or us) and what not, a la parkour…

(but, dom is persistent and continues)

dom: i want you to listen to me, i want you to follow my instructions, ok?  i am going to help you, i want you to lay down on the ground, i want you to lay down on your stomach…

i’m thinking, yeah right–let’s just grab this kid…come on?!

…a couple more minutes go by and the kid is still upright, moving side to side (and still upset)…so, dom repeats his directives…then, the unbelievable happens–the kid complies!!!  he crouches down on his knees, puts his arms out in front of him, touches the ground, and eases himself down (on his stomach)…

dom: that’s good, that’s right…now, slide your arms out a bit, that’s it–now, turn your palms up…good…

the kid continues to comply (and is now laying on the ground in the typical restraint position)…

dom: relax, just breathe…that’s good…

dom crouches down next to the kid and continues to talk to him, continues to calm him down…fifteen minutes later, the juvenile is calm and back in control…dom helps him up and they walk back to his housing unit together…

later, i found dom, shook his hand and told him, “damn, dude…i’ve never seen anything like that–awesome–nice work!”–it was the coolest takedown i’d ever seen…honestly, i was still in shock and thinking, what just happened?!…he had taken a kid down without raising a hand-he had taken a kid down with just his voice…

skills and tactics like this have been referred to as verbal judo and such a designation is appropriate…

critics might say…”well, dom had a rapport and a relationship with the kid and that’s why he did what he was told”…i wouldn’t disagree with their emphasis on “the two R’s”–they are definitely an important part of the de-escalation process–but, how do rapport and relationships happen?  through communication, social interaction, and repeated verbal exchange…rapport is established and relationships are built…”the two R’s” are part of the communication continuum, if you will…and when combined with the words, tone, and volume of someone who knows how to talk to others, how to use their voice effectively …sometimes…amazing things can happen!

tradecraft…your voice (part II)

November 21, 2013 By in tradecraft Tags: , , Leave a comment

communication is one topic that is so important to working with kids (or to working with people, in general) that spending “just one” post on it won’t do…so, welcome to this mini-series on your voice…

and i can’t talk about the power of your voice without making mention of or tipping my cap to one of the most powerful voices i’ve ever met–the voice of my mother-in-law…

this woman can talk, i’m pretty sure she invented words–and, if not words, persuasive speaking…by merely saying, ‘hi, how are you?’ (press play on the minnesota accent) she has been moved (instantly) from coach to first class seating on a plane, been switched from an average hotel room to the penthouse suite, received free food and drinks, you name it…it won’t surprise you to know that her voice has had the same effect on our kids, their cousins, and other small ones…with her words, she can move and direct them in ways that i never knew was possible…it is unbelievable–she has a gift and it is something to see! one of the things that makes her voice so compelling is the fact that she uses it to (authentically) engage and connect with others–what happens is a kind of instant rapport…you feel like you’ve known her for years…

the way she talks is impressive, and honestly, it reminds me of something i’ve seen before…when a guy named obi-wan kenobi…used the jedi mind trick…

importantly, your voice is a tool you can develop and fine-tune, over time–something that will serve you well in this kind of work…whether a coach, youth director, juvenile justice worker, teacher, etc…your voice can redirect and focus, inspire and influence, de-escalate and manage,  instruct and build up kids that you are working with each and every day…your voice can be a powerful force…

tradecraft…your voice (part I)

November 18, 2013 By in tradecraft Tags: , , , , , Leave a comment

i remember inviting my parents to come to a soccer game that i was coaching…

i had visited my parents at their jobs, and i thought it was ‘pretty eye-opening’ to see them in action–they worked hard, enjoyed what they did and had the respect of their colleagues…nowadays they’re retired and living in a retirement community that caters to veterans/ex-service men and women–so they spend their days driving the posted speed limit-“13 mph” (they live in one of the colonies), drinking margaritas at the daily happy hour event, and loungin’ in their soft clothes🙂

anyways…back then…i wondered what they would think of me as a coach…

they showed up before kick-off and stayed for the whole game; afterwards, my mom said (wide-eyed), they really listened and responded to you?! …it was a compliment, but she sounded incredulous, almost like she couldn’t believe what she saw:)

truth be told, i didn’t know i had it in me either…i didn’t know that i was capable of “coaching” until i started doing it…interestingly, she identified one of the most important tools available to someone who herds cats for a living…

communication…

at that moment, i realized that i had this tool in my toolbox–i could talk to kids, i could encourage them, i could motivate them…i could use my words, i could use my voice–to influence them (and i liked it)…

i think apollo creed liked it too…

tradecraft…processing

November 5, 2013 By in tradecraft Tags: , , , , Leave a comment

for the readers out there that are just beginning to practice youth work of some sort or might be interested in pursuing this kind of work as a career…this one’s for you!:)

let’s get one thing straight, this kind of work isn’t rocket science–but it’s not exactly common sense either…it is a trade..like carpentry or auto repair or hvac or being a jedi knight..and like any trade, there is an art and a science to what we’re doing here…there are skills and tactics–tradecraft–that can take you from apprentice to journeyman to–well, a tradesman in search of mastery…

it can take you from padowan to jedi master…

anyways…this entry highlights “the next steps” regarding skills/tactics following a disciplinary action…like the one i mentioned in the last post, where i sent a kid to the CLAS program for pickin’ on another student…

q: what do you do when that kid you sent out comes back?

one: follow-up with the dismissed student and ask them some questions…do you know why i sent you out? ask them what they plan to do from here on out; …how could you do things differently next time?

two: welcome them back and put what ‘went down’ in the past, this can be tough… especially, when the kid has demonstrated a knack for ‘getting under your skin’ and ‘pushing your buttons’…but, this is what it means to be a professional–a skilled laborer in this field…in the past, i’ve told kids glad you’re back, today is a new day, the past is the past, we’re movin’ on, etc…

this is known as processing…

and it is a way to get them thinking about what they did and why they should do it differently next time…it is also a healthy/positive way to assimilate them back into the group, to “mend fences”, to let them know yeah, i sent you out–i’ll hold you accountable…but i’m also willing to give you another chance…it’s a way to restore the relationship…

90% of the time, it takes between 5-10 minutes to “process” with a kid…

may the force be with you…

tradecraft: the “ten attitude”

October 25, 2013 By in teaching and coaching, tradecraft Tags: , , , , , 4 Comments

one of the first paid youth positions i held was as a soccer coach with skyhawk’s sports academy in washington state…(it was a summer sports camp organization)…

i was nineteen when i first started working with this organization, and at the time…i didn’t know jack about working with kids…green as could be…a complete and total rookie!

looking back, i realize that this was a great place to start what has now become a life-long career for me, what has become my profession…honestly, i owe a lot to this organization and to the people i worked with during those summers (4)…it was soooooo influential for me–it still impacts my work today…more than 20 years later!!!

i had played soccer since i was five, i loved it, so this job was fun for that reason and also because i worked with a lot of guys i played soccer with in high school…i worked with quite a few friends…jeff, tuan, “ghandi”, john, hugh, ben and others–guys who loved soccer and loved the job!  we would travel around the state together, lead soccer camps (to kids aged 5-12 years old), scrimmage after camp times, and hang-out…what more could you ask for in a job?! working here (6 hours a day, 5 days a week), i learned how to motivate, inspire, encourage, train, coach, listen and talk to kids…i also learned a lot of great games and stories and “how to tell stories” (each day after lunch, the camp director would tell crazy-funny stories to the entire camp of kids–anywhere from 20-100 kids–keeping their attention and entertaining them for up to 30 minutes–so great)!!!

of all the things i learned working here, the most important was “the attitude you bring to the job”…i still remember the first time i met the vice president of skyhawk’s…his name was dave…and he led us in some games and drills (just like he would do if he were leading a group of kids) and he was extremely positive, enthusiastic and engaging…and in leading us in that way, he was teaching us about the energy and enthusiasm that he (and the organization)  expected us to bring to camp each and every day…

and he asked us, “where are you, on a scale of 1-10, today?!” (ten being the highest, best/most positive attitude you can have)…”do you have a ‘ten attitude’???”…the lesson here was simple…your attitude matters; it is vitally important to how you relate, motivate and coach these young people–it is a choice, choose to be a ten!!! 

further reading: if you have an interest in this kind of thing, attitude and motivation…you should check out the book in the side-bar titled, “make the big time where you are” by frosty westering…one of the most successful college football coaches (ever) and a great human being!

cheers!