Monthly Archives: November 2013

tradecraft…your voice (part III)

November 24, 2013 By in juvenile justice, tradecraft Tags: , , , Leave a comment

when you witness someone use their voice like i mentioned in the last post, you feel like you’re seeing something extraordinary…something that borders on the supernatural…

here’s a story from the trenches that illustrates what i mean…

years ago, i worked at cooper village–a juvenile group home in omaha, nebraska (i love omaha, by the way, it’s one of the easiest towns to feel at home in–show up twice at the same bar in omaha and you’re a regular–can’t beat that!  of all of the bars i visited in omaha, my favorite (hands down)…was the homy inn (classic)–two visits were just not enough when it came to this place, cheers!:)

anyways…at this juvenile group home, we worked with a variety of kids who had low-level criminal offenses on their records, other delinquency, alcohol and drug problems, and family issues…it was a minimum secure group home…

one day, a kid comes running down the living quarters hallway–he is shouting and swearing just outside our staff office…trailing behind him, is his staff (our living unit was connected to their housing section and today the door between the residences was open, which was common)…so, upon hearing this, my partner and i come out of our office and approach the youth, thinking ok, we’re gonna have to take this kid down… restraints/ ‘takedowns’ are a part of juvenile justice-fun!:) …but before we get that far, we get a knowing look from his staff (dom)–his eyes say, wait…all the while this kid is pacing back and forth–swearing and muttering that he’s gonna hurt someone…

at that point, dom takes up a position nearby and begins talking to the kid (close enough to jump in on a takedown, if needed, but not too close–like us, he was giving the kid some room to move…the habits of nonverbal interaction)…immediately the kid dials in to dom’s voice and what he’s saying (though the kid is still pacing)…dom continues to talk to him in a calm, reassuring voice…

dom: i know about the phone call you just got, i understand why you’re upset, i would be upset, too…

the kid paces and swears some more…

(dom sticks with it)

dom: i know you’re upset, but right now you’re ‘still good’…you haven’t let it get the best of you, you haven’t let it ‘get out of hand’…it’s what you do next that matters the most–you know that we’ve got an event scheduled for tomorrow and right now, you’re on the list for an off site trip to the library–that hasn’t changed, yet…i know you want to go on that trip, i know you want to get off-site for a few hours, so let me help you get there…

the kid is now moving side to side, facing dom–the kid is still agitated…still looks like he could escalate and ‘take it to the next level’ at any moment…bounce off the walls (or us) and what not, a la parkour…

(but, dom is persistent and continues)

dom: i want you to listen to me, i want you to follow my instructions, ok?  i am going to help you, i want you to lay down on the ground, i want you to lay down on your stomach…

i’m thinking, yeah right–let’s just grab this kid…come on?!

…a couple more minutes go by and the kid is still upright, moving side to side (and still upset)…so, dom repeats his directives…then, the unbelievable happens–the kid complies!!!  he crouches down on his knees, puts his arms out in front of him, touches the ground, and eases himself down (on his stomach)…

dom: that’s good, that’s right…now, slide your arms out a bit, that’s it–now, turn your palms up…good…

the kid continues to comply (and is now laying on the ground in the typical restraint position)…

dom: relax, just breathe…that’s good…

dom crouches down next to the kid and continues to talk to him, continues to calm him down…fifteen minutes later, the juvenile is calm and back in control…dom helps him up and they walk back to his housing unit together…

later, i found dom, shook his hand and told him, “damn, dude…i’ve never seen anything like that–awesome–nice work!”–it was the coolest takedown i’d ever seen…honestly, i was still in shock and thinking, what just happened?!…he had taken a kid down without raising a hand-he had taken a kid down with just his voice…

skills and tactics like this have been referred to as verbal judo and such a designation is appropriate…

critics might say…”well, dom had a rapport and a relationship with the kid and that’s why he did what he was told”…i wouldn’t disagree with their emphasis on “the two R’s”–they are definitely an important part of the de-escalation process–but, how do rapport and relationships happen?  through communication, social interaction, and repeated verbal exchange…rapport is established and relationships are built…”the two R’s” are part of the communication continuum, if you will…and when combined with the words, tone, and volume of someone who knows how to talk to others, how to use their voice effectively …sometimes…amazing things can happen!

tradecraft…your voice (part II)

November 21, 2013 By in tradecraft Tags: , , Leave a comment

communication is one topic that is so important to working with kids (or to working with people, in general) that spending “just one” post on it won’t do…so, welcome to this mini-series on your voice…

and i can’t talk about the power of your voice without making mention of or tipping my cap to one of the most powerful voices i’ve ever met–the voice of my mother-in-law…

this woman can talk, i’m pretty sure she invented words–and, if not words, persuasive speaking…by merely saying, ‘hi, how are you?’ (press play on the minnesota accent) she has been moved (instantly) from coach to first class seating on a plane, been switched from an average hotel room to the penthouse suite, received free food and drinks, you name it…it won’t surprise you to know that her voice has had the same effect on our kids, their cousins, and other small ones…with her words, she can move and direct them in ways that i never knew was possible…it is unbelievable–she has a gift and it is something to see! one of the things that makes her voice so compelling is the fact that she uses it to (authentically) engage and connect with others–what happens is a kind of instant rapport…you feel like you’ve known her for years…

the way she talks is impressive, and honestly, it reminds me of something i’ve seen before…when a guy named obi-wan kenobi…used the jedi mind trick…

importantly, your voice is a tool you can develop and fine-tune, over time–something that will serve you well in this kind of work…whether a coach, youth director, juvenile justice worker, teacher, etc…your voice can redirect and focus, inspire and influence, de-escalate and manage,  instruct and build up kids that you are working with each and every day…your voice can be a powerful force…

tradecraft…your voice (part I)

November 18, 2013 By in tradecraft Tags: , , , , , Leave a comment

i remember inviting my parents to come to a soccer game that i was coaching…

i had visited my parents at their jobs, and i thought it was ‘pretty eye-opening’ to see them in action–they worked hard, enjoyed what they did and had the respect of their colleagues…nowadays they’re retired and living in a retirement community that caters to veterans/ex-service men and women–so they spend their days driving the posted speed limit-“13 mph” (they live in one of the colonies), drinking margaritas at the daily happy hour event, and loungin’ in their soft clothes🙂

anyways…back then…i wondered what they would think of me as a coach…

they showed up before kick-off and stayed for the whole game; afterwards, my mom said (wide-eyed), they really listened and responded to you?! …it was a compliment, but she sounded incredulous, almost like she couldn’t believe what she saw:)

truth be told, i didn’t know i had it in me either…i didn’t know that i was capable of “coaching” until i started doing it…interestingly, she identified one of the most important tools available to someone who herds cats for a living…

communication…

at that moment, i realized that i had this tool in my toolbox–i could talk to kids, i could encourage them, i could motivate them…i could use my words, i could use my voice–to influence them (and i liked it)…

i think apollo creed liked it too…

where i’ve been…

November 16, 2013 By in observations Tags: , Leave a comment

i grew up in a miltary family, my sister and i are air force brats…

this experience influenced me in a lot of ways, including in my work with youth…

when you grow up like this, you are often on the go–from place to place every few years–and your normal is “change”…you meet people, become friends, have experiences together, then move on…(from 6th – 12th grade i was at five different schools–and before then, at other schools in other towns)…during this time, the one constant in your life is your immediate family (for me, this included dad, mom, and sister)…they are your rock, your home…because for you and other military brats…home is not and has not been a physical place or location…

living life in this way lent itself to some amazing experiences–seeing different parts of the country, seeing different parts of the world (we lived in japan for three years)–and in these places, we had the opportunity to meet all kinds of different and interesting people; we had ‘our minds blown’ (in really good ways) as youngsters–it was an adventure onto itself…on the flip side, there are challenging experiences too–like instability, repeatedly having to “start-over”, self-doubt, and being the outsider to the “new place”…

such an experience is summed up well by sociologist georg simmel (in his work on individuality and social forms)…“In the case of the stranger, the union of closeness and remoteness involved in every human relationship is patterned in a way that may be succinctly formulated as follows: the distance within this relation indicates that one who is close by is remote, but his ‘strangeness’ indicates that one who is remote is near” (Levine, 1971).

while the lifestyle of the military brat provides a heightened sense and feeling of being the stranger, of peripheral-living (so to speak)–i don’t think this is unique to the military brat…but a common, everyday experience for anyone who has been (or is) a teenager…living (day in and day out) with the questions…am i accepted? do they like me? do i belong?

it’s in this space where my past meets their present…that i am able to engage and relate to kids that i might not be able to, had i not had that kind of experience growing up…it is a sweet spot for me…

q: how does your past impact your present day life? how do your experiences inform what you do???

love bites…

November 8, 2013 By in herding (my own) cats, observations Tags: , , , 6 Comments

while i have picked up some ‘tricks of the trade’ when it comes to working with other people’s kids…it is a whole different ballgame when it comes to my own…

basically, when it comes to herding (my own) cats, i have no idea what i’m doing…

sure, in the past, i’ve been kicked, punched, elbowed, grabbed, pushed, bitten, scratched, spit at, and swore at by young people in my charge…but, i hadn’t experienced any of these shenanigans by the little ones i had helped bring into the world, by my own offspring …until they started biting…it was something i wasn’t ready for and it rattled my cage a bit…

my son was the primary offender…and this kind of thing happened a lot before he could really talk or make words or knew how to show affection…at this time, if he was excited he would run at you (full speed), tackle you, and bite you–hard…often times, i felt like one of those poor victims attacked by the angst-ridden, brooding, pale-faced vampire kids in the twilight series…anyways, in one of his most exuberant fun-loving moments, my son bit his cousin–his cousin didn’t feel the love…so, we separated my son from his cousin and i gave my son a stern word…but, was that enough?

my daughter, of course, was not to be upstaged by my son’s antics…so, one day, she took her own pound of flesh…it was a day that started out as a normal one in our household …we had just finished a breakfast that included thawed/toasted/ buttered/syrupy waffles, diced fruit, milk, and random three-day-old cheerios that the kids scraped off the kitchen floor…

satiated, my daughter and i were playing on the living room floor, having a good ole time wrestling around and laughing…at one point during the melee, i rolled over to hide from her saying, “where did daddy go?”–and then it happened–she bit me, right between the shoulder blades–it hurt…so, i squawked, i screamed, i yelled– “stop it, let go!”…in my insulated, child-proof cranium it went more like “stop it, let fuckin’ go!” (it was a minor miracle that i didn’t shout it out loud) anyways, while she was clamped down on the skin of my back, i was twisting and turning–trying to reach behind me and grab ahold of her…but, she was elusive and determined and i couldn’t quite reach her…as i flailed about on the ground, images of jurassic park filled my head–you know the part, where the guy is mauled by the flesh-eating baby dinosaurs…

i was thinking–i’m not going make it out of here alive…

somehow, i endured and survived and got loose of her…i told her, “don’t do that” and she cried –i thought what just happened? why do they keep biting? what can we do to make them stop?  what else could i do besides separating them and giving them a stern word? 

then, i thought back to the day when we first picked up our twins at that curiosity shop in chinatown…now, what did that guy tell me?!

no, but seriously, i realized that there are some things in life that there isn’t a playbook for, or instructions not included moments…i also realized, hey, these guys are one–what do they know? they like you, they bite you…that’s how they show their affection, their love–they’ve got love bites…it’s a phase…we’re movin’ on…

man in the mirror…

November 6, 2013 By in observations, teaching and coaching Tags: , Leave a comment

in-between the summers that i worked for skyhawk’s sports academy, (when i was in college) i coached a club u13 boys soccer team with a friend…who lived down the hall from me in the dorms…

during one particular game, when i was coaching solo, one of my players knocked into a kid on the opposing team and got the ball…the ref whistled for a foul and their team got a free kick…the game went on like this for a little while and a few of their players got knocked down…at half-time, i heard some murmuring through the cadre of parents on our side of the field…so, i looked up and saw the opposing team’s coach stomping towards me…

when he got up to me, he said, what kind of team are you running here…ever hear of sportsmanship?! and then he stormed back to the other side before i could utter a word…the parents on my side got pretty riled up over the altercation (i know this is surprising, given the reputation of parents in youth sports;)

anyways, the game went on and we were down by a goal, then we scored to tie…then, we scored to win the game in dramatic fashion…at the end of the game, the opposing team’s coach came back over and apologized for his behavior…

it would be easy for me to make this guy out to be the bad guy for how he acted–who does that?!…but, truth be told (and despite the “ten attitude” influence), i was cultivating some of that same aggression and intensity in my own coaching persona–as a u13 coach no less?! when i look back now, i realize how ridiculous some of my own behavior was…

in one particular case, a friend came to watch a soccer practice i was leading…at this practice, i was playing alongside the kids in a scrimmage drill–and at one point, i got a bit intense and knocked into one of my very own players to get the ball…later, my friend called me out on my behavior saying, “took it a bit too far that time, didn’t you?” and she was right, i did…

at that point, i had to ask myself…what am i teaching these kids???

early on in my career, i made a lot of mistakes like this one…where i was too intense in my approach…or other times where i was too hard in discipline, too lax in discipline, often inconsistent, not gentle enough with my redirection, not encouraging enough, you-name it…there were a lot of rough edges when i first started out…but, by listening to/working with others…by going alongside skilled coaches, juvenile justice workers, youth directors and teachers–by going alongside masters–people who really knew how to herd cats well…i watched and i learned (over time)…

tradecraft…processing

November 5, 2013 By in tradecraft Tags: , , , , Leave a comment

for the readers out there that are just beginning to practice youth work of some sort or might be interested in pursuing this kind of work as a career…this one’s for you!:)

let’s get one thing straight, this kind of work isn’t rocket science–but it’s not exactly common sense either…it is a trade..like carpentry or auto repair or hvac or being a jedi knight..and like any trade, there is an art and a science to what we’re doing here…there are skills and tactics–tradecraft–that can take you from apprentice to journeyman to–well, a tradesman in search of mastery…

it can take you from padowan to jedi master…

anyways…this entry highlights “the next steps” regarding skills/tactics following a disciplinary action…like the one i mentioned in the last post, where i sent a kid to the CLAS program for pickin’ on another student…

q: what do you do when that kid you sent out comes back?

one: follow-up with the dismissed student and ask them some questions…do you know why i sent you out? ask them what they plan to do from here on out; …how could you do things differently next time?

two: welcome them back and put what ‘went down’ in the past, this can be tough… especially, when the kid has demonstrated a knack for ‘getting under your skin’ and ‘pushing your buttons’…but, this is what it means to be a professional–a skilled laborer in this field…in the past, i’ve told kids glad you’re back, today is a new day, the past is the past, we’re movin’ on, etc…

this is known as processing…

and it is a way to get them thinking about what they did and why they should do it differently next time…it is also a healthy/positive way to assimilate them back into the group, to “mend fences”, to let them know yeah, i sent you out–i’ll hold you accountable…but i’m also willing to give you another chance…it’s a way to restore the relationship…

90% of the time, it takes between 5-10 minutes to “process” with a kid…

may the force be with you…

present day: lookin’ out

November 1, 2013 By in observations, teaching and coaching Tags: , , , , Leave a comment

not long after the “spiderman entry”…

i sent a kid to the CLAS program (for an hour)–our version of ISS…for messin’ with another student…i had warned him, “keep your hands to yourself”…but, he wasn’t getting the message…and continued his troublesome ways–pickin’ on a  student, instigating and aggravating…so…

take a walk, son…

it’s important that…once you get a whiff of something like that…harassment/bullying…as a teacher, counselor, youth director, coach, juvenile justice worker, etc…you take action (right away)…in this case, my response says/reinforces don’t do that, not around me…